Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Nature Of Olympian Gods According To The Wild Kingdom, Part Three
The slopes of Olympus. Marlin Perkins, Lorne Greene, David Suzuki, and Steve Irwin are all standing with Zeus (king of the Olympians, just in case you didn't know). Hera stands with them, tapping her toe in annoyance at her husband. Pan keeps playing his pipes. Several cameramen are recording everything for posterity. And Jim Fowler is swaying on his feet, bruised and battered. "You know, Zeus, I thought we had an exclusive for our show to do a special from Olympus."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Marlin, but all of these guys called in a marker."
"Aren't you dead, Mr. Perkins?"
"Me, Mr. Suzuki?"
"Well, that's an interesting question. While we're at it, Mr. Suzuki, why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
"Nonsense. I'm wearing glasses."
"And nothing else."
"Of course not, Mr. Greene. Walking around naked is something I do from time to time. Everyone should try it. And aren't you dead too?"
"Why do people keep asking me that? I was on Bonanza, you know, and Battlestar Galactica before it was a Star Wars rip off and before the whole cast started cursing in strange ways and taking off their clothes for no reason. And my show's Starbuck was a guy!"
"Crikey! I'd say the old boy is a little cranky, mate!"
"Do these mortals ever speak in a way that sounds sensical?"
"I'm still pissed at you, husband."
"What's the problem with the sheila, mate?"
"I'm not a sheila, mortal. And aren't you dead?"
"Who, me? Nonsense, mate! Though it would explain why I've felt like I'm in a dream for the last four years."
"Oh, you're dead, Mr. Irwin. I believe I'm the only naturalist here who's still alive, in fact. I'm not sure about Mr. Fowler there, though. Don't you remember the stingray that finished you off?"
"Stingray, Mr. Suzuki? I tackled a stingray once, by crikey! It was a big critter!"
"Again, husband, why did you invite these people to Olympus?"
"Hera, it's a really long story, you must know..."
"Yes, your dalliances with mortal wenches usually do start off with really long stories. Which reminds me, I'm still pissed at you for your latest carnal wanderings."
"By crikey, big guy! You're in a bit of a pickle this time, aren't ya?"
"Sleep with the occasional attractive person that catches your eye and turns you on, and your immortal wife never lets you live it down."
"That's because it never stops with you, husband."
"Oh, would someone call for a doctor? Or an ambulance? I've busted some ribs."
"That's nice, Jim. We'll get to that shortly, but first, while the rest of us are back here watching, why don't you go over there and tackle that Chimera monster at the far end of the meadow?"
All of the cameras pan that way. The chimera glares at them, all three heads, one a goat, one a fire breathing lion, and one a snake.
"We never had a beast that looked that good when I was doing Battlestar Galactica. The special effects have gotten better."
"That's not a special effect, Mr. Greene. That's a real animal."
"Oh. Oh, I see. Well, in that case, I have a question. Why do you abuse your sidekick, Mr. Perkins?"
"Yes, I agree. Why do you do that?"
"Mr. Suzuki, Mr. Greene, it's to be expected. Now, Jim, why don't you go over there and show that Chimera who's boss?"
"I can't, Marlin. Everything hurts. My head is spinning...."
The Crocodile Hunter breaks out into a sprint, racing towards the Chimera, jumping on his back, tackling the beast, pinning him to the ground. "That's not the way mighty Bellorophon bested the first Chimera."
"Stop stalling, husband. Come clean about your latest dalliance with a mortal."
"What latest dalliance? I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, wife."
"Zeus, it might just be the opinion of an old actor, but playing stupid with your wife might not be the best course of action."
"I agree with Mr. Greene. In fact, if you're looking for good advice, go no further then talking to your Mutual of Omaha agent for the right plan just for you."
"When did you become a sellout to the corporations, Marlin?"
"Sellout, Mr. Suzuki? I have no idea what you're talking about."
The Crocodile Hunter has the Chimera pinned and at his mercy, and is belting out the words to Waltzing Matilda. Jim Fowler collapses back to the ground. Pan comes up to the group, carefully inspecting the fallen Jim.
"This might just be my opinion, but I think this man is dead."
"Nonsense, Pan! He still has an arm wrestling bout with Hercules to do. Come on, Jim, get up. Stop faking. Get up, Jim. Jim? Jim? Hey, Jim!!! The Mutual of Omaha depends on you fighting with animals, Jim! It's not like they actually have any profits! Do you really want to disappoint them? Jim? Jim? Oh darn. The Mutual of Omaha is going to have my head on a pike for this..."