Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Misadventures Of Lars Ulrich

The following are two fake news articles from WD featuring a police inspector I've used before. I wonder what the real Lars Ulrich would think of this version....

Police Hunt For Ritual Sacrifice Killer After Full Moon Murder
Reporters gathered today in this small Ontario town to hear a statement from police on the shocking discovery of a murder victim last weekend. The victim, an unnamed man, was found dead in the woods by hikers, naked and chained to a stone altar, his heart missing. Inspector Lars Ulrich of the Ontario Provincial Police spoke at the press conference to the assembled group.
"We are not releasing the victims' name at this time, pending notification of next of kin," Ulrich told the group. "The victim was murdered in what we believe to be a dark ritual at a place that appears to be used for satanic rituals. Objects found at the scene appear to confirm those suspicions. I can confirm for you that he was naked, chained to a large flat stone, and that his heart was carved out of his chest. It appears that the heart might well have been eaten by the killer."
At this point, several of the less-hardy reporters threw up. Ulrich looked annoyed. "Oh, come on, people! Suck it up! I haven't shown you any crime scene photos, have I?"
This reporter had the first question. "Inspector! Do you have any suspects?"
"We're following several leads after speaking to his friends. And we've checked his messages, of course. Our primary suspect is a woman who left a bizarre, disjointed rant about him ignoring her and paying the consequences. Our officers are running down every avenue of investi.. Oh, good God! Are you still throwing up?"
At this point, another reporter spoke up. "Sir! Entertainment Tonight here. Is it true that Metallica is breaking up once and for all?"
Ulrich glared at the man. "Why should I care?"
"But you're Lars Ulrich," the entertainment reporter spoke up. "You're in the band."
Ulrich rolled his eyes. "God damn it! I am not that Lars Ulrich! A man was murdered! That's what's important here! Not a music group!"
The reporter seemed to persist. "But the whole world revolves around entertainment!"
Ulrich looked out at the others. "Tell me that not all reporters are as dumb as this one."

Hunt Continues For Ritual Sacrifice Murderer
The Ontario Provincial Police continue their hunt for the killer of an unnamed man, found dead three weeks ago by hikers at a stone altar, his heart cut out. Inspector Lars Ulrich briefed reporters today on the progress of the case.
"We are pursuing every lead. We have reason to believe that our killer is running out of time. Our profile has it that our killer is a woman, obsessed with the victim, and unable to let go. Apparently unable to take a hint, too, from the evidence we've gathered. The woman in question cut out the heart of our victim and consumed it in a ritual, as you remem... oh, now come on! Stop throwing up! Be professional!"
The reporter in question was a colleague from the Globe. He's always had a weak stomach. At this point, a young nun walked into the press conference, facing the assembled reporters, and began a rather unexpected rant. "I always told him he'd have a bad end! I told him, but did he listen to me?" When asked who she was, she identified herself. "Sister Delilah! I'm from the Sisters Of Little Or No Mercy! I knew the victim, and I can tell you, he was going to end up dying like this, or freezing to death on some god foresaken mountain! There was no in between for him!"
Ulrich attempted at this point to retake control of the press conference. "Who lets people like this in here?"
"Sir!" This came from the correspondant from Access Hollywood. "Is it true that Metallica is angry about being shut out from Lollapalooza this year?"
Ulrich looked annoyed at the question. "First off, what the hell is a Lollapalooza? And second, damn it, when will you people learn? I'm not that Lars Ulrich!"
The correspondant looked confused; it's a frequent condition among entertainment reporters. "You're not?"

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