Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Lion, The Witch, And The Wild Kingdom
Marlin Perkins and Jim Fowler appear on screen, near what appears to be a castle. Jim looks bruised and battered. His arm is in a sling, and his leg is in a brace. He seems to be dazed.
"Good evening, and welcome to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I'm Marlin Perkins, and this is my good friend Jim Fowler. Say hello to everyone watching, Jim."
"I need some pain killers."
"Oh, that's our Jim, always kidding around."
"I'm serious. I'm in so much pain. I need something. Anything. Preferably something strong. Morphine."
"Last time out, Jim got into a bit of a fight with the Rancor monster on the planet Tatooine, in the palaces of Jabba the Hutt, as you'll recall..."
"Just some tylenol if you can't manage prescription meds. I think I've got busted ribs."
"Yes, Jim, we'll get right on that. Tonight we're in the magical kingdom of Narnia. We came here through a wardrobe in an English castle, and we've already chatted with a creature that looks like a satyr of myth. He asked if we were sons of Adam. He's brought us here, to the castle which was once ruled by the Kings and Queens of Narnia in the golden age of this land. In fact, there he is over there, having what appears to be carnal relations with a goat. We won't show you that, because this is a family show. Speaking of which, you really should protect your family with Mutual of Omaha insurance."
"I can feel the broken rib digging into my lungs, Marlin."
"This whole kingdom is filled with talking animals, like bears, badgers, beavers, mice, fox, and wolves, all of whom speak English for some reason that I can't recall right now. Isn't that wonderful? It's also filled with creatures of myth, like minotaurs and centaurs. And it's ruled over by a talking lion, who, we're told, is a metaphor for Jesus Christ. He's on his way here as we speak."
"You're not going to make me wrestle the Jesus metaphor lion, are you, Marlin?"
"We'll see, Jim, we'll see."
The lion appears at the top of the hill. He's big, bigger then any lion they've seen before, and he looks majestic. He starts to descend towards them. "Oh, my! That's the biggest lion I've ever seen. Bigger then that lion you wrestled with in Tanzania back in 1975, Jim. Remember that one?"
"How could I forget? He bit my arm!"
"And you were a real trooper, weren't you?"
"Greetings, sons of Adam. I am Aslan."
"Wow, you sound almost Irish. Doesn't he sound Irish, Jim?"
"Don't make me fight him."
"On my mother's side, I am Irish."
"Tell me, Aslan, would you mind if Jim fights with you, just to show the folks back home what a Jesus metaphor lion looks like in action?"
"Oh, don't do that, Marlin, I'm so sore and hurt and in pain..."
"I would have to refuse, Marlin, Son of Adam. I only do battle with true evil, like the White Witch, or the Talmarine generals, or Glenn Beck. However, he can do battle with that minotaur over there if he'd like."
A very large minotaur approaches. He looks really tough. And he seems to like the idea of fighting a Son of Adam. Jim looks like he might faint. "Splendid, Aslan! That's just perfect! All right, we're going to stand here with Aslan while Jim goes over there and tackles the minotaur..."
"Go to hell, Marlin! You hear me? I said go to..."
The minotaur grabs Jim and tosses him into the air.
"You've got him right where you want him, Jim!"