Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
M Is For Murder, Part Two
Murderer Arrested On Sesame Street A suspect has been arrested in the murder of beloved muppet Elmo. This morning, long time Sesame Street resident Grover was taken into custody by Inspector Lars Ulrich for questioning. Neighbors were shocked by the arrest, watching the blue muppet with the strange gravely foreign accented voice taken out in a perp walk by the grim inspector.
"Me not understand!" Cookie Monster said in between eating handfuls of cookies. "Grover kill Elmo? Very strange!" The next sentence was incomprehensible as Cookie Monster chowed down on half a bag of Oreos. "...Grover fun!"
This reporter just had to ask. "Cookie Monster, weren't you converted to healthy eating awhile back? Fruits and vegetables and all that? Didn't you come out and say that cookies are a sometimes snack?"
Cookie Monster shrugged at that. "Me was made to say that! Political correctness infested the studio! Me hate vegetables! Me love Oreos!"
Susan Robinson witnessed the arrest. "The police dragged him out like an animal. They couldn't have been more outrageous if they had tried! It was ridiculous! Grover wouldn't hurt a fly!"
Husband Gordon Robinson agreed with his wife. "You know, I could see if it was Animal, from the Muppets. Something's just wrong with that thing. I think he's a drug user, if you ask me. But Grover? Why would he do something like that?"
Kermit the Frog, longtime Muppet and acquaintance of the accused, weighed in with his statement. "Kermit the Frog here. You know, if it was my wife Miss Piggy accused of the murder, I'd be saying, that figures. She's a real tyrant, by the way. I just don't have any spine to file for divorce..."
This reporter watched Miss Piggy show up, and slap her frog husband silly for the remark, then drag him away. In the opinion of this reporter, that frog has the worst luck. Meanwhile, funeral plans for Elmo continued to be drawn up. The film company is wondering how to fill the gap.
Finally, this reporter was on the scene at the police station, where Grover was brought in for booking. The muppet looked frantic, as if his entire world was crashing down around him. Understandable, given that he's been arrested. He looked at the crowd of reporters, and in that distinctive odd voice of his, insisted, "I am not guilty, sir! Please if you would tell my story!"
At that, Grover was taken inside. Inspector Ulrich was about to follow when a reporter from Access Hollywood spoke up. "Lars! What's the truth about the rumor that Elmo committed suicide because your band is breaking up?"
Ulrich sneered. "Damn you, are you really this stupid???" He slapped the reporter, and stormed into the police station.
The reporter, if you want to call him that, looked offended. "Did you see that? Lars Ulrich from Metallica just hit me! You see him hit me?"