Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm Single And Am Looking For Complete Strangers To Annoy Or To Fornicate With

I've been at Myspace for awhile now, and while for the most part I'm finding it useful, there are a couple of exceptions, and they're both forms of spam.

One, of course, is the occasional music band that turns up among the email inbox, asking you to listen to their new album, turn up at their upcoming concert, or pay some sort of attention to. It's not really that big a deal. They're just trying to market themselves, so sometimes I'll give them a listen, but other times, I'll just click on spam. So far that's the only commercial spam I've been getting.

What I do find annoying, and what I'm talking about today, are those people who send messages to complete strangers, obviously looking for someone to hook up with. No doubt, of course, they're sending the exact same message to dozens of other prospective hookups, sperm donors, or sugar daddies.

You know how it starts out. "Hi! I'm Cyndi! I just read your profile, and I think you're so cute! I like sunsets and walks under the starts and having someone who'll take care of my every whim and who I can take for every cent I can get!"

I've had a few of them. The last was just some days ago, from a poster calling herself Damselgurl. Her message turned up in my inbox within an hour of her joining myspace (perhaps you too have gotten a message from her?).

 "How are you doing? I hope good .My name is Aliya.I saw your profile, I will like to know more about you , I am new to online dating .I got some questions for you.... How long have u been on this got kids? Ever married? I will like to know more about you I dont use often, I want you to contact me Via my personal address
I will wait to hear from you so i can tell you more about me and send you some pictures. thanks
Come on. As if you've had enough time to search out my profile within an hour of joining the site. No, this is a mass relationship spam message that hundreds of other guys (and girls, for all I know) are getting from you. And it's not working. I didn't join Myspace to look for a relationship, or even just to hook up. I joined up to make use of the site as a professional tool (blogs about Amelia Earhart cannibalizing the dead notwithstanding).

The same thing happens on the other side of the proverbial fence. Norma got herself a similar sort of message from one Mr. Philip B. Andy some days ago. She was less then impressed, and can you blame her?

"Hey sweetie, I am Philip we should talk because I have went into your profile and really like all what I read on there,and am 49 years old so i am a newly member of this online site and never know how does this works , I Live in CO, Westminster I have a daughter whose name is called Leslie she's 12 years and she lives with me and care for her myself and working a distributor I travels with my job which is what am currently doing for now,but right now am presently working here in western Africa to distributes some of my electronics,self employed so I think it's time for me to find someone who is down to heart and am looking for the woman who is understandable and has a very big heart to allow love to swallow her again, and i know she would always be happy she have me as her man of her life,I like everything about all what it says on your profile now decided to write you right away what would you like to know about me."
Odds are that Mr. Andy's probably a serial killer. We've agreed on a way to deal with these people as they show themselves. Norma gets to send off a not very friendly warning to any of mine, and I do the same to any of hers. I wonder what those relationship spammers think when they get an attack dog response in their email from someone they didn't spam in the first place?

Now we could just kill two birds with one stone by introducing these two to each other. "Damselgurl, meet Mr. Andy. He's also looking for complete strangers to cuddle with and make a couple of rugrats with." At least they'd stop annoying total strangers in a web site. Of course, as fate would have it, both of these people have been either kicked off Myspace or left of their own accord. Either way, good riddance to them.

Norma suggested the idea of fake relationship spammers, and came up with this one:

"I love to travel, which is a good thing because it's necessary to stay one step ahead of the police. I believe strongly in marriage--it's a good way to pad my nest egg. My inheritances from my three deceased husbands have left me a very rich woman. Please respond with your stats, e-mail addy and list of current assets...."
So of course I'd have to rise to the occasion with a similar sort of eligible con-ma... I mean, eligible bachelor:

"I'm really fond of rich widows, the richer the better. I travel a lot, and I've got passports for just the right occasion, complete with different names just to cover my tracks. I enjoy candlelit dinners, champagne, massages, fleecing widows, and lining my Swiss bank accounts with everything I swindle out of every woman who crosses my path."

Of course, the black widow and the scam artist would end up in jail. Where she would wind up being traded by the other lifers for cigarettes, and he'd be learning the hard way how his cell mate Bubba likes to work off steam.

I leave you with this: why do these people do this? Don't they have lives? Self respect? Better things to do? Or do they think, "Hey, maybe one of the 5789 people I just sent this message to will want me! Weirder things have happened!"


Now, how long until blogspot sees this infestation of relationship spammers?

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Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.