Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Heaven And Hell: Sitting Down With A Cast Of Characters, Part Four
The author (me, in case you're coming in late) and the characters remain gathered together, sitting in a circle, aside from two. Rafi Beigel and Dahlia Sarkis are off to the right; he's lying on his back, and she's straddling him. Their clothes are strewn about everywhere, and they're in the midst of some rather vigorous sex. Everyone's looking their way, hearing their groans and sighs, aside from one. Sabra Cohen is glaring at the author, ready to bite his head off. Cain: Far be it from me to look away from some really hot sex, but I thought we were done here.
Me: We were supposed to be, but I remembered a couple of other things I wanted to talk about, and there's the fact that Sabra's pretty angry at me. Look, she's tapping her toe in that irritated way.
Sabra: I didn't get to speak at all last time out.
Me: I'm really sorry for the oversight.
Sabra: Don't let it happen again.
Claire: Mr. Kendall, only you could write a sex scene into an interview with your characters.
Eden: I suspect he's into porn.
Nahas: Go on and admit it, Mr. Kendall.
Eden: We won't judge you. Not much, anyway.
Me: If we could get back to it? I'd like to talk briefly about relationships, if I might.
Claire: Oh, that's rich. You made me a widow straight off! I don't even get backstory with my late lamented husband what's his name! At least those two had some intimacy with their spouses.
Zaira: That's right, we did. Until you had my husband killed. And my daughter die.
Dayan: And my wife and son. Are you a sadist, Mr. Kendall?
Me: No, I'm an author.
Dayan: Is there a difference?
Sabra: At least you all had personal lives. And you two are together, right? I don't even have the time for a relationship. My warhorse of a boss at Mossad says we can have personal lives next year. Assuming there's not a war going on. Or an intifada. Or whatever this Very Bad Thing is he has in mind. I sometimes think I chose the wrong career.
Cain: Well, you were kind enough to feature my opening scene featuring me in bed with that gorgeous librarian. Who, by the way, is a real handful in bed.
Nahas: I consider myself lucky. He wrote a wife for me. Lovely lady, too. Aisha. What a name. Tell me, are you going to wind up doing the same to me that you did to those three? Taking away the love of my life?
Me: That's for me to know and for you to find out.
Eden: You haven't given me a relationship to speak of. Which means I'm a free player. That's a good thing. I'm really thinking of going over there and joining Rafi and Dahlia. They're both really attractive, don't you know?
Sabra: I suppose that makes you bisexual.
Stryker: Well, at least I know I had a relationship. You wrote it into my backstory. The question is, who was she? I mean, you didn't even give her a name!
Me: I have a good reason for that.
Stryker: Whatever you do, I don't want a former lover named Mathilda. Or Olga. Or Ursula. Maybe Evangeline. That would be a nice one... always liked that one. You wouldn't be that nice, would you?
Devon: Shut up, Stryker. He at least gives you that backstory. No trace of a romantic life for me. Not yet, anyway. For all I know, I could swing both ways. Like Eden apparently does. There's that line you wrote about Zaira there having twenty years on me. Is that what you're setting me up for, Mr. Kendall?
Zaira: Wait a minute... you said what now?
Me: You don't honestly expect me to answer that, do you? Last question. If this turns up as a movie down the line, who should play you?
Devon: Emily Blunt. Great actress, smart, exquisite looks, I'd love to see her na... hey, wait a minute, does that mean I do lean to the Sapphic side of things?
Stryker:Tough call. Given my character's age group, the studio might commit the unthinkable and cast Zac Efron or that Pattinson twit. In which case, I'd be very unhappy. You don't want to see a spy very unhappy.
Me: I promise, I wouldn't let that happen.
Stryker: Well, if age isn't a factor, Ewan McGregor. Otherwise, Ben Barnes or Charlie Cox.
Claire: Helen Mirren.
Sabra: Ayelet Zurer.
Cain: Hey! I wanted McGregor to play me!
Stryker: How about Charley Boorman instead?
Beigel: Oh, goooooodddd!!! Dahlia!!! Dahlia: Yess!!! Right there!!! Nahas: Sounds like someone's having fun.
Sabra: So is that it? Are we done?
Me: I think so.
Sabra: You going to invite us back after you finish the book?
Me: I wouldn't mind. You're assuming all of you survive.
Nahas: All of us sur...? Hey!!! That's just mean! Claire: That's not very nice, Mr. Kendall.
Me: I'm not a very nice person, Mrs. Tavington.
Claire: Very well. I will say this. If you kill me, all of MI6 will come after you. Do notthink I'm kidding around.
Me: Wonderful. Being threatened by characters. Well, thanks everyone, it's been a slice.
Beigel: Ohhhh, my God!!!!!!!!! Dahlia: Ooohhh, yes!!!!!!