Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 25, 2022

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

As I always start with the dog's point of view, so too do I let the cat have the last say. Pay her the respect she deserves, because after all we are all lowly creatures in her divine eyes.

7:02 AM. Waking up at home. Slept well. Dreamed of catnip. Note to self: remind the staff to pick up some catnip.

7:05 AM. A look outside. The sun is up, the flying lunches are pecking around at the grass. Not much likely chance now that we'll see snow for months, but hey, you never know.

7:09 AM. Waiting on the staff to come downstairs and see to my breakfast. Come on, staff, do I have to come up there and meow at you myself, most vigorously?

7:18 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff, I was about to send a search party. Now then, it's time to see to my breakfast.

7:19 AM. Lecturing the staff about my expectations for breakfast. Now we'll not have any of those field rations, am I clear? I want milk, and I want meat. It would be better in my opinion if you'd gotten up a half hour earlier and put the plate into the fridge for optimum pre-meal chilled enjoyment, but we can't always get what we want.

7:21 AM. The staff sets my breakfast down. The tuna and milk meet with my approval. The bowl of field rations does not.

I set to eating breakfast and ignoring the field rations. One of these days she'll learn.

7:23 AM. Finished with breakfast. Licking my lips with satisfaction. Making a point of continuing to ignore the field rations.

7:24 AM. Leaving the staff to her breakfast. She has that silly work place to go to today, after all. Which I let her do. As long as she caters to my every whim when she gets home.

7:31 AM. Watching out the windows at the flying lunches out on the lawn. If there wasn't a pane of glass and a screen between us, I'd be stalking you right now.

7:40 AM. The staff is on her way out the door. I bid her farewell and remind her that we're due for some catnip and milk. 

7:45 AM. Somewhere off in the distance I hear the barking of that foul hound from down the road.

I don't understand dog people.

8:02 AM. Watching the weather channel. They're calling for 100 % chance of seasonal allergies today.

Come on, people, not everyone has seasonal allergies.

9:00 AM. Sitting on a windowsill overlooking my realm. Noticing some movement in the distance. Hmmm... it's the local skunk. And here I've got an open window. Hopefully he's not in a foul mood.

9:02 AM. The skunk has seen me, keeps his distance, and informs me he skunked that dog from down the road.

Very commendable, sir, very commendable. Well done. You have my compliments.

9:21 AM. Right about now I imagine that idiot hound is having an unpleasant morning that will involve lots of cleaning and unpleasantness for his human being.

It couldn't have happened to a more deserving dog.

9:39 AM. The phone rings. I click on the speaker and say meow. A telemarketer starts talking.

I listen for five seconds before meowing again.

Do you not understand you're talking to a cat?

9:40 AM. I inform the telemarketer in very insulting terms that he should immediately cease wasting oxygen and just drop dead, and end the call.

9:51 AM. I decide that it is time for my first nap of the day.

12:10 PM. Waking up from my nap. Feeling a bit hungry.

12:12 PM. An examination of the kitchen finds the only food out and about... are those field rations.

Oh, well, I'm hungry.

1:28 PM. Going to work on a thorough scratching of the scratching post.

5:19 PM. Waking up from another nap as the staff returns home. Well, it's about time. 

6:38 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's having beef stroganoff. She's cut up some beef into nice kitty bite sized pieces for me. This is acceptable, staff.

7:34 PM. The staff is watching Jeopardy. The answer is Who Is Lassie. I wonder if the people who come up with these are dog-centric. That's the third dog related question this week.

9:21 PM. Lying on the couch pondering life's mysteries. How can we prove the theory that the universe is shaped like a big ball of string?

11:29 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Sleep well. If you happen to hear the sound of something rocketing through the house at four in the morning, just relax. It's just me.

Monday, April 18, 2022

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is now time to turn my attention once again to the point of view of the dog and the cat. As always, it's the dog who gets the first say, because his attention span is non existent. 

7:05 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of chasing squirrels. Nearly got 'em this time.

7:08 AM. A look outside. Looks like it'll be a good day. Time to get out and about and do a little exploring. Places to go, things to sniff, critters to bark at.

But first things first. Breakfast.

7:11 AM. Waiting on the human to get downstairs. After all, I can't make breakfast by myself, because I can't get into the cupboards and the fridge. But that's okay. Because my human will take care of it. Because I'm a good dog. A very good dog.

Just don't believe a thing you hear about me from the mailman, the vet, or that cranky cat down the road.

7:19 AM. The human comes downstairs. I start furiously thumping my tail against the floor as a way of greetings. Good morning, human! Isn't it a great day? Say, have you thought about my breakfast? 

7:21 AM. The human is pouring me a big bowl of kibbles. Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

7:22 AM. Licking my chops after polishing off breakfast. That was three seconds short of my all time fastest eating breakfast time ever.

7:29 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she can let me out for a run.

7:30 AM. Out the door and on my way. See you later, human!

7:42 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, as happy as I can be. Nothing could possibly go wrong today!

7:51 AM. Sniffing around as I trot through the woods, as carefree as I can be.

7:55 AM. Turning around a corner when I come across a flash of black and white and furry and... oh, no, it's a skunk. No, wait, don't, I'll back off, you don't have to....


7:56 AM. The skunk glares at me after giving me a good spraying. I'm befuddled.

And I stink.

Come on, man!

7:57 AM. The skunk walks away. I'm still standing here. 

Maybe the human won't notice when I get home.

8:03 AM. ...or maybe the best option is to roll around in the stream or in some mud to get rid of the smell. 

I mean, if I go home, she's going to do worse than give me a bath, she'll give me a bath with all the extras. 

I wonder if that includes tomato juice.

8:25 AM. Oh, well, there's nothing for me to do but go home and face the music.

And the hose.

8:46 AM. The human is outside as I approach. She smells me before she sees me and turns around.

Yes, human, I know.

Let's get it done and over with, shall we?

9:10 AM. In the midst of another bath outside courtesy of the human, who is fretting and wondering why I can't avoid run-ins with skunks. Come on, human, this is only the fourth time this has happened. And I didn't see it until it was too late!

11:21 AM. Six baths in a row with more than soap, and the human finally decides I'm clean and the smell's gone. As a ranking expert in smell, I'm inclined to agree. Though I kind of smell like vinegar. 

And then she tells me she's going to give me one more bath just to be sure.

Come on!

12:05 PM. Finally back inside with the human. She's making me some lunch to compensate for the bath torture. And telling me for the thirty eighth time this morning to be careful around skunks.

I know, human, I know....

12:07 PM. Lunch with the human. Ham and cheese sandwiches are good comfort food.

1:30 PM. Barking at the mailman as he drops things off at the mailbox and drives away. Get lost, you evil fiend, and never come back!

3:51 PM. Woke up from a nap just in time for the human to have tea. I've mooched a cookie off her.

6:28 PM. Dinner with the human. She's having pasta and beef. I'm having a plate too. Life is good.

7:34 PM. Watching some television with the human. The answer is Who Is Lassie. Though I don't know why Lassie kept saving Timmy's life. The kid was more trouble than he was worth.

8:39 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of life. Did that skunk decide this morning they were just going to skunk someone, and I was the unlucky sod who got it?

11:41 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human, sleep well. I'll keep an eye on the house. In between sleeps. Sleeps are always important for a good dog. And I am a good dog.

Just don't ask that skunk for his opinion.