Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, March 27, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so now it is the time of the cat, a supreme being of the planet, to have her say as only she can, because she must always have the last word.

7:02 AM. Waking up at home. Slept reasonably well. Dreamed of vast fields of catnip. 

7:05 AM. An examination of the exterior notes the presence of flying lunches around the feeders. Snow falling. I thought it was supposed to be spring already.

7:11 AM. Waiting on the staff to come downstairs. After all, breakfast won't see to itself, you know.

7:14 AM. Come on, staff, I've been awake for a whole twelve minutes already, and you still haven't fed me.

7:19 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff, I was about to come up there and meow at you. Now then, it's time for you to see to my breakfast.

7:20 AM. Issuing precise instructions to the staff in regards to my breakfast requirements. Now then, staff, I keep telling you that what you really should be doing is putting my plate into the fridge a half hour early for optimum enjoyment by me of the meal, but that would require you getting up earlier. So then, let's get this straight, once and for all.

No field rations.

Are we understanding each other?

7:22 AM. The staff puts down a bowl of milk and a plate of tuna. I approve of these.

What I do not approve of is the bowl of field rations. 

7:24 AM. Finished my breakfast. I shall ignore the field rations. 

7:26 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring outside, contemplating my to-do list for the day. Naps figure prominently.

7:40 AM. Somewhere off in the distance I can hear the barking of that foul hound, no doubt running all over the place.

Stupid dog.

7:43 AM. The staff is on her way out to that work place she goes to each day. Very well, staff. Drive safely, because it is snowing out there. And on your way home, do remember to pick up some milk at the grocery store.

7:46 AM. The staff drives out in her car, heading to work for the day.

Well, it's my car, but I let her drive it.

8:03 AM. Watching the Weather Channel. They're calling for snow to keep falling, and keep using the term Snowmageddon.

This is why people don't take television weather forecasters seriously.

8:25 AM. Well, you know, I do think it's time for a well deserved nap.

11:23 AM. Waking up. Big stretch and a yawn. Feeling hungry.

11:25 AM. An inspection of the kitchen has determined that the only food out in the open is that bowl of field rations.

Oh, well. Hunger overrides disdain.

12:02 PM. Watching the news. More on Snowmageddon. They're taking it too seriously, but at least they're not bringing back that guy who repeatedly told people they'd have to eat the dead to survive.

I wonder what lunatic asylum he's in these days.

1:31 PM. Looking out the window, trying to see the road from here. No such luck.

Okay, so the weather is bad.

1:37 PM. Initiating a serious case of the zoomies and starting a sprint run through every part of the house for absolutely no reason.

2:02 PM. Have finished with my run. Will take a nap.

3:21 PM. Woken out of my nap by the sound of the front door opening. The staff is coming in, looking snow covered. You're home early.

3:23 PM. The staff informs me that they decided at work to call it a day early because of the snowstorm. Okay, so that means you have more time to spoil me rotten.

4:04 PM. Allowing the staff to give me a belly rub. But just three times, staff, because four times and I'll claw you.

6:38 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made bacon pancakes. One of my favourites. She's been kind enough to cut it up into small bite sized pieces for me. Very good, staff, very good indeed.

8:39 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of life. What came first, the cat or the purr?

11:03 PM. The staff is calling it a night. Well, good night, staff, get your rest. After all, we're snowed in here from Snowmageddon, which means you'll be off from work tomorrow and can cater to my every whim in person.

Monday, March 20, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It's been too long since we've had the perspective of the dog and the cat, and so we are back with them once again. As always, I must start with the dog, who gets so easily distracted by literally everything.

7:03 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceptionally well. Dreamed of chasing the squirrel, but just before I got him.....

....I woke up.

7:05 AM. Looking outside. Looks like more snow falling. Hmm.... makes you wonder if winter is ever going to end. Isn't it supposed to be spring right about now? 

Everywhere but in Canada....

7:12 AM. Making plans about getting out there and going for a run. But first things first. We must have our priorities. |


7:19 AM. The human comes downstairs. I respond by furiously thumping my tail against the floor. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it? Say, how about we get started on my breakfast? Just saying.

7:21 AM. The human is busy making my breakfast.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.....

7:22 AM. Licking my chops after finishing off breakfast. Did so with just two seconds off my all time fastest consumption of breakfast.

That was good!

7:27 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she can let me out for my run.

7:29 AM. Out the door and on my way. See you later, human!

7:38 AM. Running through the snow in the back fields, barking my head off, as happy as I can be. 

Life is good!

7:47 AM. Sniffing around in the woods, seeing what's what.

I'm glad the skunks are still hibernating. I think they've got it in for me.

7:58 AM. Stopping by to speak with Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

8:00 AM. After the customary doggie greetings, Spike and I get down to talking about matters of the highest importance. Movements of the squirrels. The true agenda of the mailman. Taste difference between one type of kibble and another.

8:06 AM. Spike says he'll keep me updated as to when the mailman shows up today. Thanks, Spike. We've got to figure out someway to make sure he never comes back down our road again.

8:08 AM. Parting ways with Spike. See you later!

8:12 AM. Passing by the property where that cranky cat lives. Probably a better idea not to go say hello.

8:26 AM. Returning home. Barking to let the human know I'm back. Human! It is I, Loki! Annoyer of Mailmen and Chewer of Slippers!

8:28 AM. The human lets me in, but subjects me to the Towel of Torment first.

Come on, human, I only rolled in the snow seven times.

10:15 AM. The human is having coffee. I have succeeded in persuading her into giving me a cookie. That's good!

11:55 AM. Awake from a nap. Must be close to lunchtime.

12:10 PM. The human is having her lunch. I've convinced her with the old sad eyes trick to give me a ham and cheese sandwich.

Life is good.

12:30 PM. The weather forecasters are on, talking about an early spring snowstorm coming this way this afternoon. They're labelling it Snowmageddon. Haven't they already used that one this year?

1:30 PM. A look outside. Snow falling heavily. Can't even see the road from here.

Hmmm, maybe the mailman's crashed his car into some ditch or something.

Not likely. From everything I've ever heard, they're pretty lazy about actually dealing with hard weather.

3:47 PM. The human is having tea. I have scarfed an oatmeal cookie from her.


6:35 PM.  Dinner with the human. She's having broccoli and potatoes with her meat for some reason. She's thoughtfully provided me with a plate of stewing beef.

9:03 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of life while lying by the fireplace. Can the tail ever be caught?

11:21 PM. The human is off to bed while the blizzard howls outside. Good night, human, and sleep well. I'll guard the house.

In between naps.