Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, December 31, 2012

Honey, Do You Know Where I Left My New Year's Resolutions?

Should old acquaintance be forgot, or something like that. Anyway, we are in the final hours of 2012, and yes, we've made it to the end of the year (sorry, believers in the Mayan apocalypse, you'll just have to go looking for the next crackpot conspiracy that has nothing to do with the originating culture to believe in). And I will only say one final thing on that matter: now it's time to sue Roland Emmerich and John Cusack for false advertising in that cheesy movie a few years ago that predicted the end of the world this year.

Pay up, boys!

For other takes on the brand new year, check out Norma's blog, where she's writing about celebrity resolutions, and have a peek at our joint blog, where we have a New Year's Without A Word blog.

Well, New Year's Eve is here, and while I'm not the sort to make resolutions, I'll make one that will be exceedingly easy for me to keep.

I hereby swear that I will keep you all amused at least 95% of the time. Unless, of course, you happen to be an oil industry salesman with an over developed opinion of yourself and no sense of humour at all. In which case, you've got issues yourself, mate. I can't help you.

And of course I can't let the end of the year pass without mentioning a New Year's resolution from my favourite fictional Mountie. Inspector Lars Ulrich (don't ask about Metallica performing Auld Lang Syne) is busy beating up an entertainment reporter today up in Crowsnest Pass, but he's resolved that before 2013 is done, he'll average kicking an entertainment reporter's butt at least three times a week. There's no shortage of them, after all...

And so I wish  you all a Happy New Year, bid a not so fond farewell to 2012 (good riddance to ye, ye scabberous dog of a year), and say hello to 2013. With that, I leave you to a whole mess of pics marking the end of the year.

Enjoy, and try not to drink too much of that spiked punch. Otherwise you'll be seeing pink bunnies bouncing around everywhere.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Vengeance Of The Downton Abbey Fanatics

I am so dead for writing this one... just thought I ought to say it in advance.

Director Announces Plan For Downton Abbey Film Adaptation; Television Show Fans And Stars Outraged
London (Reuters) Director Michael Bay, who has brought such films as Armageddon, The Rock, and the Transformers franchise to the big screen with his trademark quick queasycam edits and loud explosions, has picked up the film rights to adapt the popular television series Downton Abbey, broadcast in ITV in Great Britain and on PBS in the United States. The series, which tells the stories of an aristocratic family and their servants in the English countryside in the post Edwardian era, has become renowned and beloved by its fans, who enjoy the sterling cast, the intricate storylines tying into history, and the complex relationships of the characters. The fans of the series have given the show a life of its own, and have become fiercely loyal towards it. The notion of Bay getting the rights to make a film adaptation have, to put it mildly, horrified Downton fandom.

Show creators Julian Fellowes and Gareth Neame worked to distance themselves from the project. “Unfortunately Mr. Bay used deceit and treachery to get his hands on the film rights. We are as outraged by this turn of events as our many fans, and can only encourage them, when the time comes, to avoid seeing this adaptation,” a joint statement to the press declared.
Cast members are shocked. Dame Maggie Smith, who plays the Dowager Countess of Grantham on the show, was annoyed when reached by reporters. “Michael Bay is a horrible director. The man believes that a string of endless explosions and loud noise constitutes a film. He must be stopped. He is a menace, and he has to be stopped. For the good of all that Downton Abbey is, he cannot be allowed to proceed.”

Cast members Hugh Bonneville, Elizabeth McGovern, and Michelle Dockery were all in agreement. “This is ludicrous,” Bonneville told reporters on the set of the show in Hampshire. “If this project was going to be going to an outside director, we all expected someone credible, like a Ken Branagh or a David Yates, to come in and direct." 

"Instead this miscreant comes in and steals the film rights,” Dockery added.
McGovern shook her head in dismay. “And this is why I avoid Hollywood like the plague. Someone like this has no right to be manhandling such a special piece of work.”

Across the world, chapters of Downton Abbey fan groups have been rising up since the news was announced. Through the viral nature of social media on Facebook or Twitter, groups calling themselves Save Downton or Stop Michael Bay From Destroying Our Downton have sprung up quickly, gathering more followers by the hour, announcing escalating bounties on the head of Michael Bay.
As for the director himself? Bay met with reporters in New York, looking entirely pleased with himself. “Before I say anything else, I’d really like to thank my plastic surgeon for making me look so good, and my hairdresser who gets my hair just right and always knows how to give me that just enough stubble look that I love so much, and the people who help me get my tan just right. Don’t I just look fabulous?”

The press brought to his attention the matter at hand, and Bay shrugged it off. “You know, I know there are a lot of fans out there of the television show who think I’m going to make mistakes in bringing this thing to the big screen. I’d like to set their worries to rest. I won’t be using the cast of the show. For one thing, they’ve all threatened my life, and I don’t like working with casts who hate me that much. So, I’m going with a total new cast. I’m thinking Shia LeBeouf has to be the main character. After all, most other actors won’t work with me twice for some reason that I can’t quite figure out, but Shia likes working with me. And none of this cranky old British chippie  either. “ Bay said that with a Cheshire-cat grin.
American audiences want American actors, so we’re going to have, oh, let’s say, Betty White playing that dowager Countess whatever you call it. And while we’re at it, I don’t know about you, but I find all that English chatter stuff that goes on in all these period dramas really, really boring. Too much talking, not enough explosions. And not enough barely clad women waxing cars. And not enough rock music underscore. And not enough explosions. Did I mention I want explosions? So what we’ll be doing is very simple. We’re going to set aside all that British chattering and telling the story of a runaway steam train that’s doomed to collide with the Abbey house by the end of the film. And Jon Voight’s going to appear somewhere in it, because I always have to have a Jon Voight appearance in my films. Maybe I’ll have him kicking the King in his royal ass. And we’ll have lots of explosions along the way. That’s the story I want to tell. Take that, Maggie Smith!”
Reporters were stunned into a horrified silence at the statement by Bay, who left to get his facial stubble trimmed. The film is being timed for a Christmas 2013 release, and has been given the working title Downton Abbey: Burning Down The Abbey.
The bounty on Michael Bay’s head has grown since the statement to surpass the thirty million dollar mark.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Holding Santa For Ransom And Other Misadventures

"I will remind you, sir, that you dress in a big red suit, and run a secretive global operation handing out free toys to children, thus undermining the capitalist free market, so I think we already know the answer to the next question. I will ask you, sir, are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the communist party?"

"Ho ho ho! Senator Joe's been a bad boy! Ho ho ho!"  ~ taken from Congressional transcripts, exchange between Senator McCarthy and Santa Claus, December 1953

"Hello, 911? I need to report a shooting. Yes. Well, I did the shooting. Um, yes, the person I shot is still here. I think he's dead. Well, I heard some noise on the roof, and in the chimney, and downstairs, so I came down with my elephant gun... I keep that in the house just in case, and there he was, this big guy in a red suit with a long white beard. He had a huge bag over his shoulder, and he was crouched by my Christmas tree. So I shot him. I thought he was going to steal everything... well, that's not the worst part. I think he's Santa. At least that's what his wallet says. Hey, I thought Santa didn't actually exist! What am I supposed to tell my grandkids when they turn up in the morning and Grandpa and Granny's house is a crime scene?" ~ Bob Twigell, after shooting Santa, Boise Idaho, 1998

"Listen, you insufferable twit. For the last time, I am not that Lars Ulrich, so stop asking me questions about whether or not Metallica is putting out a Christmas album!!" ~ RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, just before dropping Access Hollywood reporter Skip Jones into Dead Man's Canyon, December 2012

Well, it's Christmas once more, and so I have other places for you to see. For a more serious look at Christmas Past, check out Norma's blog. Over at our joint blog, we have a Without A Word blog marking Christmas. Eve puts her own spin on Twas The Night Before Christmas at The Desert Rocks. Lena marks the serious side of the season at her blog Pearldrops on the Page. Krisztina has been doing a Christmas blog filled with ideas and recipes for the season. At her blog Two Little Square Dogs, Gayle has Christmas decorations up and about. Karla has her own Christmas greetings and an offer at her blog, Telega Tales. Tracy reflects on Christmas at Expression Express.  Old Kitty and her cats send you Christmas greetings at Ten Lives And Second Chances. And GK writes a very different kind of Santa letter at her blog.

And for photo blogs marking the season, check out these photo blogs: Bob at Saint Louis Daily Photo, Grace at Perth Daily Photo, Red Pat at Occasional Toronto, Ben and Fern at Victoria Daily Photo, LondonLulu at Princeton Daily Photo, and Virginia at Birmingham Daily Photo. 

On this Christmas Eve, I thought I'd go all out with an image blog of cartoons, editorial cartoons, and cute dog and cat pics all around. Have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year, and whatever you do, don't ask Inspector Ulrich to jam with your band in a heavy metal rendition of Jingle Bells. It really, really annoys him.

"I'd better get a really good bone as a present for dressing like this..."