Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Staking The Sparkly Vampire

Today I have an image blog for Hallowe'en, and check out my photoblog too, as I've got a zombie invasion over there. Happy Hallowe'en!

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time for the cat's point of view on the Hallowe'en season and all that brings with it. Your Supreme Majesty, the floor is yours...

7:31 AM. Awake at home. How did the staff get out of bed without my waking up?

7:35 AM. I have located the staff in the kitchen. Staff? Who gave you permission to leave the bed? 

7:41 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again with field rations for breakfast.

7:54 AM. Outside on the deck. Staring out at my domain. Frost on the grass. The barking of that infernally dumb hound in the distance.

8:10 AM. Back inside. Launching a full scale assault on the scratching post. Uh oh, my doing so has also unleashed residue scents of catnip. Which means I shall be in a catnip craze post haste.

8:45 AM. Finished my catnip craze. You know, I think a nap is in order.

11:26 AM. Waking up. Slept well. Feeling peckish.

11:28 AM. I sigh and with much reluctance eat some of the field rations.

11:51 AM. For some odd reason, the staff is dissecting a pumpkin in a very strange way. 

Oh, yes, of course. Hallowe'en. Jack O'Lanterns and all that.

12:32 PM. The staff has been making sandwiches for her lunch. I've been staring at her. And staring. And staring. And staring some more.

Success! She gives me a couple of slices of turkey. Now this makes up for those field rations.

1:53 PM. I think it's time to try to break my personal record for sprinting through every single room in the house while the staff wonders if I've gone insane.

1:54 PM. Well now staff, how about that? Three seconds off my best previous time. Not so bad if I do so say myself.

What are you looking at me like that for?

5:38 PM. Waking up from nap. Smells of cooking. I detect pumpkin.

6:04 PM. Supervising the staff while she's making dinner. Looks like pancakes. I like pancakes. Particularly with some syrup, a bit of brown sugar, pieces of bacon or blueberry. Of course, for some reason the staff never makes pancakes with salmon. I don't know why, it's a perfectly acceptable combination...

6:45 PM. Having dinner with the staff. Nicely chilled milk and some chopped up bacon and pumpkin pancakes. Staff? Is it that you're simply not awake enough in the morning that you give me field rations? Because this is much better than breakfast.

7:02 PM. The staff is finishing the dishes. Says she's expecting lots of trick or treaters. Pours a big bowlful of those little chocolates. Staff? What is it about these tiny little bars? Why not actual chocolate bars? You know, the regular size. And while we're at it, how much chocolate do I get? 


7:10 PM. Sitting on the back of the couch. On the watch out the front window. Kids are coming up to the front door in costumes. The staff is giving them candy. Just as long as you don't give them any catnip.

7:23 PM. Oh, this will not do, those kids have their dog with them. Granted, it's not the dummy from down the road, but still...

He sees me. And wags his tail. And barks.

Just don't you try to get in here, hound, or there will be hell to pay...

7:36 PM. Hmmm, that's a prety realistic looking velociraptor costume. Hey, kid, go down the road for me and scare the crap out of this irritating dog.

7:41 PM. Watching a car pull in. Familiar, but in the darkness, I'm not sure...wait.Wait a minute. It's not... it can't be...
Oh, no. 

Kids piling out. Staff! It's your idiot relations!

7:42 PM. Bolting upstairs as fast as I can. Thinking of the fifty seven different hiding spots I have spread throughout the house. Hearing the irritating nasal quality of those brats greeting my staff and asking where the kitty is. Staff! Don't you dare give away any of my hiding spots!

7:43 PM. Have found sanctuary behind a couple of boxes in a bedroom. Ah, the Christmas decorations. Good. This should be enough concealment. Hopefully those brats aren't going to be around for long, because I do not want to be picked up endlessly and hugged by kids with sticky fingers and no manners.

7:48 PM. Listening to sounds from downstairs. Come on, how long does it take to trick or treat? The staff had better not have invited them to stay over for the weekend....

7:51 PM. Sounds of doors closing. Silence. Then the sound of the staff calling out, "they're gone."

I carefully withdraw from my hiding spot and come downstairs. Sure enough, the idiot relations are nowhere to be found.

The staff looks at me as if she finds something highly amusing.

9:35 PM. Trick or treaters long gone. Staff helping herself to some of those little candy bars. Fortunately she's also brought a bowl of cat treats and is liberally dispensing them to me. I reward her with a head bonk and a purr.

11:36 PM. The staff is off to bed. Keep the door open for me. I may want to come up. You know, people talk about Hallowe'en, all that monsters, ghosts, and goblins... but the real monsters, staff, are those idiot relations of yours. Honestly, was your sister switched in the maternity ward?

Monday, October 26, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Hallowe'en is soon upon us, so I'm having my dog and cat's point of view on the whole thing. As always, I start off with the resident hound.

7:26 AM. Waking up at home. Had strange dreams of little kid with blanket going on and on about something called a Great Pumpkin. I wonder what that means.

7:34 AM. The human is downstairs. I greet her with a wag of the tail and a happy grin. Hello, human! Did you know I haven't had a bite to eat since last night at ten? 

7:36 AM. Devouring a big bowl of kibbles. Yum yum yum!!!!

7:39 AM. Out the door for my morning run. Bye, human! 

7:56 AM. Running through the backfields, barking madly. Looks like we had a bit of snow overnight. Good! The more the better. 

8:04 AM. Barking at some geese flying overhead. Woof woof woof!!!

8:11 AM. A stop in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. We greet each other in the customary doggie fashion.

8:13 AM. Spike and I confer on what's going to happen tonight. Children dressed up in all sorts of garish ways are going to be coming to the door, and our humans are going to be giving away all kinds of candy. Well, just as long as none of them are dressed up like squirrels.

8:24 AM. Parting ways with Spike. We assure each other that we will keep an eye out for any squirrels.

8:36 AM. Back home. Barking at the door. Human! It is I! Loki! The bane of all mailmen!

9:28 AM. Settling in for a nap by the fireplace. I could use one.

12:04 PM. Waking up. Hearing the rustling of things going on in the kitchen. I suspect it's lunchtime.

12:09 PM. Have successfully mooched a dinner roll from the human. Yum yum yum!

1:05 PM. The human asks if I want to go for a ride. Do I? Do tails wag?

1:29 PM. The human steps out of the car at a store. I hop right in the driver's seat

1:37 PM. Bark at a guy who passes right by the car. He jumps up, startled. Yes, well, there's a five foot clearance space on either side of this car that belongs to me, so unless you're getting into the car right next to this one, you're open to being barked at.

1:41 PM. The human is back in the car. Human, did you get me anything?

1:52 PM. Another stop. I get out with the human. I recognize this place... oh boy! It's the ice cream shop!

1:57 PM. The human's having cherry cheesecake ice cream cone. I'm devouring a strawberry ice cream cone. Human? Have I told you I love you?

2:36 PM. Back home. Wagging my tail. Any car ride is a good one. Well, not if one is going to the vet.

5:51 PM. Waking up to the smell of cooking. Smells like pumpkin.

6:03 PM. Having dinner with the human. She made pumpkin pancakes for dinner. Yum yum yum!!

7:45 PM. Trick or treaters have been coming and going. More to come, for sure. For some reason, one of them was dressed in a cat costume. Why couldn't she have worn a dog costume?

8:03 PM. Watching the human give away more of those candies to the trick or treaters. Just as long as she doesn't give away any dog biscuits, that's fine with me. The problem is how do I mooch any leftover candies?

9:35 PM. I take it the trick or treaters are done, human? We haven't heard the door for a half hour. So, are you going to be giving me the leftover candy?

11:48 PM. The human's off to bed. She did have leftover candy, but she's put it in the pantry, and curses, I can't open doors. Good night, human! If you get any Hallowe'en ghosts coming around tonight, I'll be right here downstairs, cowering under the couch.