Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
A Strange Thing Happened On The Way To The Lincoln Memorial
Washington, DC, the 28th of August, 2010. A large crowd are gathered together at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of the definitive speech of the 20th Century, Martin Luthor King's "I have a dream speech". However, instead of the people one might expect to be in attendance on this day, it's a large crowd of Ku Klux... I mean, of Tea Party people. There are a lot of angry voices, people calling for the President to be impeached, for the Republicans to stage a coup d'etat (didn't they do that in 2000?), and for Bristol Palin to be named Secretary of State in a new Sarah Palin Dictatorship.*
*You know that's the plan, so stop acting surprised.Sarah Palin herself is here, soaking in the adulation from the suckers who think she's the greatest thing ever. And so is conservative pundit and general pain in the ass Glenn Beck, who organized the whole thing, sensitivity be damned. He's been laughing in the last few days, because the one person who's making the most noise about this gathering is the "Reverand" Al Sharpton, who's a waste of oxygen from the other side of the political spectrum.*
*Yes, he is, and you know it.
Palin and Beck come out on the stage. DC police and Park Rangers are close by on hand, wondering who they irritated to get stuck with this assignment. People in the crowd are cheering, holding up various signs of standard Tea Party propaganda: "Down with health care!" "Get the government out of our lives!" "No representation with taxation!" "We love you, Sarah!" "Have sex with me, Sarah!" "I'll kill Levi for you, Sarah!"
Palin stares at that last one for a long moment, as if considering the offer. She walks up to the podium, and starts to speak as the audience grows quiet.
"Hi, everybody! Gosh, it's so darn good seeing all of you out here on this day! Isn't it nice, Glenn?"
"Oh, it's nice, Sarah!"
"You know, I think I can see all the way to Delaware from here, by golly. And all of you good folks have come on out to celebrate the all American way of life! We don't need no governments interferin' in our lives, do we?"
The crowd roars. "Hell no!"
"That's good! Just in the future, don't be saying any bad words. Try Heck No instead. And do we need governments tellin' us what we can do in our own hospitals?"
The crowd roars, "Heck no!"
"That's right! Gosh, you know, when I was Governor of Alaska, looking out my window at Russia every morning, I used to think what I could get done if I was President. And it's a real shame those Democrats got lucky last time out, I'll tell you! 'Cause I would've been President!"
"Um, Sarah, you would have been Vice President."
"Well, yes, until John would have had a really convenient heart attack, and I would have gotten in and taken that oath to uphold and burn the Constitution and all. Can you all imagine what a Sarah Palin presidency would be like?"
The crowd roars and cheers. Sarah soaks in the cheers, loving the attention.
"Yes, I wouldn't no how go into your homes and steal your guns and ammos. I wouldn't teach your kids how to not get pregnant by usin' all sorts of fancy devices! I'd want this to get back to bein' the God fearin' Ozzie and Harriet way things used to be! Isn't that great?"
The crowd cheers even more. Sarah looks flushed, as if she's aroused. Maybe the cheering from the buffoons does it for her.
"That's right! Guns in every house! Private health care only! Good clean moral values to our kids, God love 'em, and try to ignore my daughters' life, by the way. And really try to ignore that on and off again ex of hers. I still believe in good clean moral values, by golly! Now, we're gathered here at the Reagan Memorial..."
"Sarah, that's the Lincoln Memorial."
"Whatever, Glenn. At least it's not a memorial to that communist FDR. Anyway, we're all gathered here, and it sounds like some people ain't all that happy about us bein' here today for some reason. Like some guy a few years back gave some speech. As if that really means anything. It's not like he was a conservative tea partier like us, was he?"
Beck looks horrified. As much of a zealot as he is, at least he knows who Martin Luthor King was, and he knows this is going to come back and bite him on the ass. The crowd, however, is eating it up, cheering wildly.
"No, he wasn't! So why shouldn't we all have a good ol' time here today?"
There's another roar, but it's something different, not the crowd. The roar is not only heard, but felt. Like an animal roar. And it's accompanied by something else, the sound of many, many different individuals. None of which sound quite human. Sarah and Beck look around in confusion, and beyond the crowd. And then they see it. A large lion races forward at the head of a massive army of centaurs, minotaurs, eagles, griffons, and animals, plunging into the midst of the crowd. The Tea Partiers scatter to the winds, fleeing from the onrush. The lion dashes up towards the stage. Beck and Sarah look frightened, looking for somewhere to run, and bump into each other, knocking each other over. Beck scampers up to his feet, terrified as the lion closes in.
"Aslan! No!!!!" He sounds like the shriek of a little girl.
The lion leaps, pouncing right onto Beck, pinning him down. Sarah is screaming. A handful of media are left , cameras taking in the scene of the army of creatures now below the Lincoln Memorial.
"Ahhhhhh!!! Ahhhhhh! We're all gonna die! Where's my buffalo gun????"
"Quiet, irritating Daughter Of Eve."
One of the reporters manages to speak. "Did that lion just speak English?"
"Yes, I did. I'm Aslan, of Narnia. I'm also the Jesus Metaphor Lion."
"Shoot him!" Beck screams to the police, who look confused.
"Wait a minute," another reporter says. "Isn't Narnia just a story?"
"Yes and no," Aslan replies.
"Kill the damned lion!" Beck yells.
"Now, Glenn, no bad language, by golly...."
"What did I tell you about being quiet, irritating Daughter of Eve? You, who would seek to become dictator for life over these lands? Yes, I know all about the Palin Protocol."
"You do? All right, who blabbed about my secret plans? It was Levi, wasn't it? I knew I should have killed that kid once I found him shagging Bristol in the back seat of the pick up...."
"Shut up, irritating Daughter of Eve. Right now."
"Oh. Right. Shutting up now."
Aslan keeps Beck pinned to the ground. He glances back at the reporters. "This thing you call Glenn Beck is the greatest evil to ever walk this earth. He descends from the White Witch herself. And he seeks nothing less then total global domination."
"Hey! You can't do that! I already have that in mind for myself, Glenn!"
"Sarah, can we discuss this later?"
"There will be no later, Beck. Not for you. We're taking you back to Narnia. Where you will be summarily executed for crimes against all of Narnia. By the way, you were convicted in absentia."
Sarah seems puzzled. "What's in absentia mean?"
Two minotaurs come up the steps, picking up Beck as the lion lets him go. They haul him down into the midst of the army of creatures. One of the reporters speaks up.
"Aslan! Aslan! Richard Bennett, CBS! How did you and your... people get here?"
The lion descends the steps, joining his army. He looks back at the reporters, looking majestic and regal.
"If I told you that, you people would end up coming to Narnia, and we have enough things to deal with without having reporters showing up and asking our talking mice what they think of cats."