Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And once again it is time for the cat to have her say. She is one of the supreme beings on the planet, after all, and must always have the last word.

7:14 AM. Waking up at home. Big stretch and a yawn. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of catnip.

7:17 AM. Enough light out there to make sense of what's going on. A few flying lunches around the feeders already. You're lucky you're out there and I'm in here...

7:20 AM. Waiting on the staff to get down here and see to my breakfast. After all, I can't make it myself, and that's what she's here for anyway.

7:25 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff. Did you know I've already been awake for a whole eleven minutes and still haven't been fed? Now then, time for you to rectify that...

7:27 AM. Busy reminding the staff of my specific breakfast requirements. Now then, staff, milk and meat are entirely acceptable, but the meat really ought to be served on a pre-chilled plate. It's all about optimum dining enjoyment. I keep telling you to do this, and you never do. Would it kill you to wake up a half hour early? And for the record? No field rations. Are we clear on that?

7:28 AM. The staff puts my breakfast down on the floor. The bowl of milk and plate of tuna are entirely to my satisfaction. The bowl of field rations is not.

I sigh, and set to work eating what appeals to me.

7:30 AM. Finished with breakfast: namely the milk and tuna. I have left the field rations alone. Perhaps she'll take a hint. 

7:40 AM. The staff is on her way out for the day to that work place. Very well, staff. Don't forget to pick up milk on your way home.

7:43 AM. And out she goes from the driveway. Now then, things to be considered in planning for the day. When do I take my first nap?

8:02 AM. A lot of barking coming from the woods. It's that idiot mutt from down the road. From the sounds of it, he's annoyed about something. Good.

Just as long as he doesn't come on my property, or there'll be hell to pay.

8:14 AM. I think a nap is in order. Yes, that would do nicely.

10:51 AM. Waking up out of a good nap. A patrol of the premises is in order. And a look outside to see what the flying lunches are up to.

11:03 AM. Checking out the Weather Channel. They're making mention of Snowmageddon.

Seriously? Overreacting because of a winter snowstorm?

11:51 AM. Wandering into the kitchen... and reminded by the food rations in that bowl that it's the only source of food out in the open.

Sigh. Oh well.

11:57 AM. Note to self: have a word with the staff about some sort of dispenser that will issue tuna on demand.

Of course, what will I need her for then?

Oh right, belly rubs.

1:29 PM. Woken up out of a sound sleep by the distant sound of barking from down the road. That idiot mutt. Barking at the mailman yet again.

And interrupting my well earned nap.

2:50 PM. Sharpening my claws on the scratching post has released some residual scents of catnip.

Uh oh.

Going into a catnip frenzy in three, two, one....

5:07 PM. Waking up out of a well earned nap. My catnip frenzy led me to sprint all over the house at top speed one hundred and forty seven times.

5:19 PM. The staff comes home. It's about time, staff.

By the way, if you happen to come across anything that was knocked over, blame the catnip.

Speaking of which, did you buy some more?

5:23 PM. Supervising the staff while she puts the groceries away.

Very good, staff, very good. Catnip. And milk.

I approve.

5:50 PM. The staff is busy making dinner.

This includes ground beef. 

6:32 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made a plate of ground beef for me. She insists on having hers as meatballs, with some spaghetti. 

Whatever floats your boat, staff.

7:02 PM. Heading into the living room while the staff does the dishes. 

It's not like I can do dishes anyway, and I don't want to get my paws into soapy water.

7:06 PM. The Weather Channel guys are again going on about the polar vortex and Snowmaggedon. 

Come on, grow up.

8:47 PM. Lying by the fireplace, warming my belly and thinking of life's great mysteries.

Why does the staff think the red dot is funny?

11:35 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Sleep well.

But keep the door open.

I reserve the right to sit on top of you and stare at you until you're obliged to wake up.

Monday, January 16, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the point of view of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog has the first say in these things, since his attention span is so short.

7:21 AM. Waking up at home. Slept very well. Dreamed of chasing a squirrel. The little bastard got up a tree just two seconds before me.

One of these days....

7:23 AM. A check out the windows. Not dawn, but light enough that I can see things around out there. More snow in the night. Good. I like running through fresh powder. 

But first things first. Breakfast. 

7:25 AM. Waiting on the human to get downstairs and see to my breakfast. You know, breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. In a four way tie with lunch, dinner, and snacks.

7:29 AM. The human comes downstairs. I start furiously thumping my tail on the floor in greetings. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it? Say, how about we get started on making me some breakfast?

7:31 AM. Watching the human working on getting my breakfast ready. 

Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

7:33 AM. Licking my chops after polishing off breakfast. Just five seconds off my record time for fastest breakfast ever. 

7:38 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she'll let me out for a run.

7:40 AM. Out the back door and on my way.

See you later, human!

7:45 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, as happy as I can be. Life is good!

7:56 AM. Wandering through the woods.... wait a minute. Movement up ahead.

It's that squirrel!

7:57 AM. Carefully stalking the squirrel... seems to have no idea I'm here. 

Revenge at last... this is so sweet....

No, he's turning....

Damn it! He sees me!

7:58 AM. Circling around at the bottom of a tree. The squirrel is up there, looking down at me, chattering away. He's teasing me, the little bastard.

Get down here! You hear me??

Get down here and say that to my face, you coward!

8:12 AM. After much circling around the tree and barking at that infernal squirrel, I give up. He's not coming down anytime soon. 

Time to leave.

I start off. He laughs at me as I go.

I turn. One of these days, you're going to get yours. You hear me?

You're going to get yours!!!!!!

8:38 AM. Barking at the back door to let the human know I've returned. 

8:40 AM. Putting up with being subjected to the Towel of Torment to dry me off. Still feeling annoyed by coming so close to catching that squirrel. So close, but so far.

Human? I want to destroy a squirrel. Give me your credit card and let me call Acme. They always work so well for that coyote, right?

10:25 AM. The human is having coffee. I have mooched a cookie from her.

12:02 PM. The weather forecaster on the news is talking about something he's calling Snowmageddon.

What ever happened to just doing your job and taking weather as it comes?

12:15 PM. Lunch with the human. She's given me a cheese sandwich. I approve, human, I approve.

1:29 PM. Barking at the mailman as he drops stuff off at the mailbox and drives away.

Don't you ever come back! You hear me?

4:05 PM. The human is having afternoon tea. I have mooched an oatmeal cookie off her.

4:23 PM. Can't help but notice in the dying light of day that it's snowing out there.

6:35 PM. Dinner with the human. She's made herself lasagna. For whatever reason she's just given me a plate of ground beef. 

Come on, human, I'm not that messy an eater.

We can forget the spaghetti incident, right?

Oh well, beef is good.

7:05 PM. The human is setting to work on the dishes. I'd help, human, really I would, but I think it would end with some broken dishes and soap water splashed all over the kitchen.

I'll just keep the couch warm for when you get in.

7:55 PM. Belly rubs. My favourite time of the day.

9:08 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of life. Do squirrels exist for any other reason but to torment dogs?

11:45 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human. Sleep well.

I'll be on guard down here against any movement from the squirrels.

In between naps.