Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Nature Of Olympian Gods According To The Wild Kingdom, Part One

Marlin Perkins and Jim Fowler appear on screen, a cameraman following them. Marlin looks like his usual self. Jim is battered, bruised, and aches all over after the last few days. They're in a meadow, but it's not a usual kind of meadow. Beyond, a palace stands atop a hill, something with a Greek influence. And in the meadow itself? Centaurs, a Pegasus horse, a few satyrs, and what appears to be the god Pan, playing on Pan pipes.
"Hello! I'm Marlin Perkins, and this is my good friend Jim Fowler. Welcome to The Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Tonight we've crossed dimensional realms to the land of Olympus, home of the Greek pantheon of gods and goddesses. This might not play well in the Bible Belt, but it turns out that the gods of old were in fact real, and still happen to be causing trouble and bickering among themselves even today. You'll see some astonishing things tonight. Jim here had a tussle with a Hydra, and the footage we shot will astonish you."

"My skin still burns. Do you have any idea what Hydra blood does, Marlin?"

"Later, Jim. We'll take off the bandages and show the audience."

"If my wife is watching, call the lawyer. I want out of my contract to this show yesterday, honey. I don't want to do this anymore."

"Oh, that's our Jim. What a kidder. We're also planning on featuring Jim facing off with a Medusa while we're at it."

"A Medusa? Those things turn people into stone!"

"Well, yes, they do, but that Pan fellow over there assures me that the Olympians have a cure."

A man approaches, seeming to glow, tall, dark haired and bearded, in what appears to be a Greek robe.
"Hello, Jim and Marlin. I'm Zeus."

"The king of the Greek Gods! This is indeed an honour. Isn't it, Jim?"

"Your friend seems dazed."

"Yes, he got hit in the head by a centaur's hoof a few minutes ago."

"Wait... are you really Zeus?"

"Yes, Jim, I am."

"Would you mind hitting Marlin with a lightning bolt?"

Zeus and Marlin start to laugh.
"Oh, that's a good one, Jim. Anyway, welcome to Olympus. It's very good timing that you've come. I just had to duck away from Hera for a few minutes. She's a little angry that I wandered off to Earth and had my way with those three flight attendants in the staff lounge at Heathrow."

"Three flight attendants?"

"Yes, Marlin, three flight attendants. Marcie and Tiffany and Rick."

"Wait... Rick?"
"Yes, Marlin. Come on, if you've read your Greek mythology, you'd know I'd screw anything on two legs. And anything on four legs, from time to time."

The Pegasus starts to gallop towards them.
"Wow! What an opportunity, Jim. We're just going to stand here while you go over there and try to ride the flying horse, okay?"

"Go **** yourself, Marlin!"

"Jim, that's not very nice to say."

"You know, even as an Olympian god, I don't think it's possible to **** myself."

The Pegasus knocks Jim aside, and Jim gets caught in the saddle. The horse takes off into the sky, taking Jim with him.
"I hope the horse brings him back. He's due to take on Cerberus while we're here, and then have an arm wrestling duel with Hercules."

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