Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, January 31, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And where we have our dog's point of view, as always we must hear from the cat. Cats, of course, being the ultimate form of life on the planet, and far beyond the lowly humans who serve them....

7:46 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of endless supplies of catnip. 

7:48 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Staff, I'm expecting breakfast post haste, don't you dare disappoint me...

7:50 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again with yet another bowl full of field rations. Sigh. Staff, what am I to do with you?

8:20 AM. I demand in the loudest way that the staff let me out for a walk. Yes, I am aware it is snowing. Don't go anywhere. I will only be a few minutes.

8:36 AM. Sniffing the falling snow. Everything is peaceful and serene and calm. Nothing can possibly shatter such a tranquil mo...

8:37 AM. Practically jumping out of my fur at the sound of a loud bark from behind me. I sprint at top speed for the house and safety. Only when I'm there do I turn back and see him at the property line.

It's that annoying mutt from down the road. You vile beast! You did that on purpose!

8:39 AM. The staff lets me back inside. Staff, I swear to Isis, we have to do something about that dog. Do we know any hit-ferrets?

8:43 AM. Settling down for a nap. Let the snow continue to fall. I'm nice and toasty warm by the fireplace. I need some sleep. It's only been an hour since I woke up, after all. I'll dream of revenge against that infernal mutt.

11:30 AM. Waking up from nap. Feeling peckish.

11:34 AM. With much reluctance, I eat some of the field rations.

11:56 AM. Staring out at the falling snow. Too bad it won't bury that annoying dog.

12:25 PM. My hearing catches a couple of odd things. The staff's microwave stops before it's supposed to. The furnace seems to go off. Oh, no, don't tell me we're getting a power outage? Again?

Staff, call the hydro people immediately! I want the power back up in time for supper!

12:29 PM. The staff is on the phone with the hydro people. For some reason she's not stressing the importance of my dinner. 

12:33 PM. The staff informs me the hydro will come on when the problem's sorted out. Oh, come on, you actually believe anything those people say to you? You have to play hardball with these people, staff. You have to be mean and surly!

1:15 PM. Staring out at the snow. Honestly, how long does it take to fix a power outage? I mean, you've got one guy doing the work and ten guys standing around drinking coffee and talking about it. If the power's not back on in time for me to have a nice dinner, there will be hell to pay...

1:35 PM. The staff's in the kitchen. I peer in to see what she's up to, and she's got the milk out. Good idea, staff, that might go bad if the power stays off too long, so I think we're going to have to drink it all just to be safe. You get twenty percent of it and I get eighty percent of it. Does that sound fair?

1:37 PM. Having a bowl of milk. Yes, this does taste better than that breakfast the staff persistently puts in front of me, but it doesn't make up for the fact that the power is still off.

Maybe I should take a nap. I mean, with the fireplace, at least it's still warm in here. 

4:49 PM. Waking up from nap. Oh, for the love of Isis, is the power still off?

4:52 PM. Finding the staff getting candles ready. Staff, I want you to phone the hydro people again and give them hell. I can't do it, because they don't speak Cat and I won't lower myself to speak English.

4:54 PM. For some reason the staff isn't calling the hydro people. Staff, what are you planning on doing if this power outage continues past supper? Because I'm suggesting you retain a lawyer to file a lawsuit against the hydro company for inconveniencing me.

6:05 PM. The staff seems resigned to the power not coming back on in time for supper, so she's making herself some sandwiches. Yes, well, what about me?

6:17 PM. Well, this might be roughing it, but still acceptable. The staff has given me another bowl of milk and a good sized plate of some meat and slices of cheese. Okay, staff, you can make do in a crisis, but I still say we raise hell with the hydro company.

8:35 PM. Hour Eight of the Great January Blackout Ordeal. Still no sign of the power coming back on. I'm staring at candles flickering. Kind of mesmerizing, actually. 

9:26 PM. Staff? In case the power never comes back on again, you do realize we might be in a Donner Party situation, right? In which case you are obligated to be my food source.

10:15 PM. Staring up at the grandfather clock as it ticks on. I wonder why they call them grandfather clocks.

Come on! I could have fixed this power outage hours ago!

10:48 PM. All of a sudden out of nowhere the power comes back on. A couple of lights come on, the furnace and the fridge start back up. The staff smiles and starts blowing out candles.


Say, staff, how about cooking us a proper dinner now that we've got the power back up?

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for my regular dog and cat blogs, starting, as always, with the point of view of the hound. 

7:36 AM. Waking up at home. Slept wonderfully. Dreamed of groundhogs biting people for some reason.

7:38 AM. Looking outside. Hmmm, it's snowing.

7:43 AM. Consulting calendar. Hmmm, that Groundhog Day thing is coming up. I wonder if that influenced my dream? More to the point, if the groundhog sees his shadow, does that mean six more weeks of belly rubs and bacon for all dogs?

7:47 AM. Good morning, human! How about some breakfast? 

7:49 AM. Wolfing down breakfast at breakneck speed.

7:51 AM. Say, human, how about letting me out and about for a run? I've got a lot of energy to wear off and some squirrels to chase.

7:58 AM. Running through the back fields among all the snow. Barking my head off. Woof!

8:15 AM. Coming across Spike The Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels at his house. We greet in the customary doggie way.

8:16 AM. Spike and I compare notes on the movements of the enemy. The squirrels seem to be continuing to amass an arsenal of nuts and seeds from local bird feeders, but we can't yet grasp how such things can be used for ammunition.

8:18 AM. Spike and I confer on the peculiarity of human beliefs about Groundhog Day. We all know that winter here will last at least two more months anyway, so why does anyone pay attention to that?

8:23 AM. Parting ways with Spike. The snow's continuing to fall. Better get home.

8:36 AM. Passing by the home of that cat. Hey... there she is out in the snow. I think I'll say hello. Of course, I'll do it from right here. She tends to claw me when I come up close.

8:37 AM. I bark one loud woof. The cat, who hasn't noticed me, leaps upright into the air and bolts towards the house. She looks back, and sees me at the property line.

For some odd reason she starts hissing and howling.

8:49 AM. Back home. Hey, human! Let me in!

8:50 AM. I dash past the human into the house, where I promptly shake my fur to get rid of the snow. She calls me a bad dog. I put on my innocent eyes look. She rolls her eyes and mutters something about how she should have bought a gerbil.

11:35 AM. Waking up from nap. Feeling nice and toasty lying by the fireplace.

11:38 AM. Looking outside. I think the weather's gotten worse. More and more snow.

11:53 AM. Doing the classic mooching eyes thing with my eyes while the human's getting lunch ready. Soup for her- for some reason she won't let me have soup- and isn't it pretty early for that? She's also got some dinner rolls on a plate. She looks at me and says she's making a hot meal in case we lose power later.

Oh, come on, human, it's the middle of the winter in the Canadian countryside, what are the odds of losing power?

12:25 PM. The human is having some of her soup. I've mooched three dinner rolls and am happily eating a fourth when something odd happens. The fridge seems to stop humming. And I don't hear the furnace on either.

12:26 PM. The human says the power is down.

Well, how long can this possibly last?

1:12 PM. Looking out front window. Barking at mailman driving up to the mailbox at the end of the driveway.

1:13 PM. Uh oh, the mailman's truck is stuck. He'd better not think of taking refuge here.

1:16 PM. The vile fiend has managed to get out of that drift and get back underway. That was close. If he'd come up this driveway looking for help, I would have given him a stern barking.

I think I'll have a nap. Fortunately the fireplace doesn't need electricity to work, so it's not as if we'll freeze.

5:55 PM. Waking up from nap. Wow, that was a long one. Power's still off, based on the fact that the human's lit candles. I guess that means the hot meal of the day really was lunch. And here I wouldn't have minded a pancake dinner.

6:10 PM. Dinner rolls for dinner along with my kibbles while the human has a couple of sandwiches.Yum yum yum!

10:48 PM. The human's had enough of waiting for the power to come back on. She's starting to blow out the candles before going up to bed.

And lo and behold, the power comes on.

Great timing, human! Say, how about making us some pancakes?