Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Undead Live On At 24 Sussex

A word of wisdom from the great man himself.
The G8 and G20 Conferences take place this week here in Canada, and the host leader, Prime Minister Harper, is milking it for all it’s worth. I suppose I could take this opportunity to remark on my personal disgust for a government that’s ever more secretive and draconian. I could go on about their sheer contempt for Parliament and democracy, given their games in proroguing Parliament not once but twice, or their bully tactics in Parliamentary committees, or their arrogance and disregard for any opinion that’s not in perfect step with their own. I could tell you about how he and his cronies want to turn the clock back on society by decades. I could express my dismay at how this supposedly fiscal conservative government has blown a surplus into a huge deficit since taking power. I could remark on the Conservative Party being hijacked by a pack of neo cons and religious right  fanatics. I could talk about their wish to turn my country into the very essence of that pack of neo cons and fanatics. I could certainly tell you about how he seems to be a mini-Dubya who wants nothing more than to reshape this country in his old buddy’s image. And I could express my sheer disgust about these conferences. Our Prime Minister and his inner circle of cronies have turned one city they utterly despise into an armed camp for the G20, while pouring millions of dollars into the other location, simply to get a weasel of a cabinet minister (Tony Clement, you know you’re a weasel)  reelected. And along the way they’ve run up a bill that’s probably going to top two billion dollars by the time all is said and done, the vast majority for security. By the way, the two conferences last year ran up tabs around 20 to 30 million for security. Just saying.
Yes, I could go into great detail about all of that. However, I’m not an editorial columnist. I’m me. And somehow, moral outrage seems all wrong coming from a guy who’s written about Amelia Earhart becoming a cannibal. So instead, I’ll take my shots my own way.
Not so long ago, I suggested that former Vice President  and resident party mood deflator Al Gore might in fact be a zombie. I now offer up evidence to you that Prime Minister Stephen Harper is, in fact, a vampire.
Yes, I know. Shocking to make such a suggestion, isn’t it? Well, have a look at his family photo album if you don't believe me.

Let me explain. From the start of his rise to living at 24 Sussex, I’ve often been of the opinion that something about the man was just wrong. Maybe it was the politics of him and his sort, so very dated. So very seventy years ago, you see. As if he and his mates have been around a lot longer than their ages give them credit for.  At first I wondered if he was a clone. Or a robot. Or stitched together from spare body parts in a horrific origin worthy of Frankenstein. There’s always been something awkward about the man, whether it be shaking hands with his son as he sees him off to school (in a blatant photo op, of course) or just walking about. This is a guy who doesn’t look comfortable. It’s as if instead of just walking, he’s thinking,  Now I have to look at ease while I walk down the hall. Now I have to nod to the reporters. I hate the reporters. Note to self: pass law allowing me to murder reporters.”
So, aside from the fact that he seems out of his time (who else aside from Joe Cocker sings an old tune like With A Little Help From My Friends? Harper did!), what else about him might qualify him for the undead bloodsuckers of the night? He was an economist back in the day. Economists work with numbers. Vampires are obsessed with counting. That’s another hint. Now, take a good look at him. You’ll have chances aplenty over the next few days. He’s awfully pale, isn’t he? He doesn’t see much sun. Tends to be fairly tight lipped too. That’s handy when you want to hide your fangs. You never see him appearing near mirrors, which, of course, the undead have an aversion to. It’s also little known that he’s got an aversion to religious symbols. He’ll go to church (the religious right nutbar lobby that he shamelessly panders to would expect it) but I assure you, he’s staring at that cross mounted on the wall the whole time, and he’s thinking of fresh blood  to ward off the terror he’s feeling.
And where does he get the fresh blood? Well, there are plenty of grassroots volunteers who got suckered into believing Harper and the Cabal are the best thing ever to happen to the country, and it’s not like anyone would miss them. I certainly wouldn’t. Maybe they’d stop calling for donations. The blood supply is abundant for old Stephen (just how old is he really?) and being PM allows him to cover his tracks.
Which leads me to one final speculation. What if these two conferences have a hidden agenda? No, I’m not talking from the perspective of those protestors who go to all these meetings and yell and chant and talk about hidden agendas. This hidden agenda is different. What if instead of the conferences being about talking, or posing for photo ops,  this is about Count Stephen trying to turn the other leaders of the world… into the undead? How long until the rest of them are turning you into a food source?
No, I have not been drinking!

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