Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 17, 2023

The Very Unethical Banking Scam

No matter how many times they're told to go to hell (rather hot this time of year), they do not listen. I speak, of course, of the internet scammers and spammers, that vile lot of repugnances otherwise known as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus. They keep at it all the time, leaving our blogs infested with random crap comments that have nothing at all to do with the post. They send us emails promising riches that will never come- because, well, they're scammers. 

The following came through to my email some weeks ago.

From: UBS Investment Bank (London)
1 Golden Lane, London.
EC 1Y 0RR, United Kingdom.
The Operations Manager,

Do accept my sincere apologies if my mail does not meet your personal ethics,however, this correspondence is unofficial and private and it should be treated as such. First. I am Mr. Gerald Johnson, the Operations Manager with the UBS Investment International Bank here in London. I am contacting you based on my personal interest in developing a mutual business relationship with you in your country. One of our accounts with a holding balance of GBP7,549,250.00 has been dormant for many years. Please I am asking for your partnership in re-profiling the funds. First of all I solicit your assistance to execute this transaction which will be covered up by me with my status here in the bank. If you are interested to know more, please email me back so we can discuss more about this great business opportunity.

Yours Sincerely,
Gerald Johnson

Sigh. Okay, where do we start? Well, there's some of the usual tell-tales of the internet scammer. Punctuation and spacing issues. Formality in the wording that seems too formal, and far too much like you'd expect out of the internet scammer that this is. He says that this is 'unofficial and private and should be treated as such'. Too bad I'm now making a point of making it public. 

Because it's a scam. Pure and simple. 

Because dangling 7.5 million pounds out in front of random strangers isn't done by real bankers. No, they're too busy figuring out ways to siphon money into their own secret accounts that nobody else knows about. Same as every other banker in the home office. They simply aren't going to be seeking out random strangers on the internet to offer a too good to be true deal.

Side note: I don't have much respect for bankers, but more so than I do for salespeople.

Because it's too good to be true. Since it's fake. There's no money.

The idiot, interestingly enough, uses the phrase "will be covered up by me with my status here in the bank". A curious way of saying it, because if the money was real and the banker was real (they're not), that would qualify as an admission of a criminal act. 

It is a criminal act- trying to rob the gullible blind with this nonsense. But it's not the crime of financial mismanagement that this 'banker' is proposing. Because, again, he's not a real banker, and his name isn't even Gerald. It's whatever the hell his real name is at the far end of a long line of email addresses leading to some nitwit, perhaps in a former Soviet republic.

Nice try, pal, but as I've said before, I've seen far too much of this nonsense, so I know when I see this kind of email that it's nothing more than a scam. Perhaps one of the five hundred thousand other people you sent this to might bite at the irresistible bait (at least until they realize they were robbed after paying an 'administrative fee'), but I know better. 

Now go away, or sooner or later, I'm going to suggest you spend some unpleasant time on one of these things.

Monday, April 10, 2023

Musings Of An Internet Scammer

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that an internet scammer must be in want of gullible rubes." ~ Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice and Aggravation

So Jane might write these days if she was familiar with internet scammers. I speak, of course, of those infernal people otherwise known as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus. A miserable lot of scammers hiding away in the dark corners of the web, sending spam comments to our posts, or spam and scam ideas to our email addresses. Such is the case with the following, which came my way some weeks ago.


Hope this note finds you and your family in good health and spirit. We are a unique Investment Consultation Firm registered in the United Kingdom; we specialize in searching for potential investments opportunities for our high net-worth clients worldwide.

Are you an entrepreneur/business owner or chief executive officer seeking for capital for your business growth or expansion? I'm contacting you to know if you are open for investors into your company as we are currently providing financial support to companies and individuals for business and project expansion. We also pay commission to individuals who direct clients to us for financing.

We are willing to partner with you for your business growth by providing either debt or finance. Reply for further discussions if interested with your business plan and executive summary for our management to review.

Should this be of interest to you, please do not hesitate to e-mail us for further information or Ignore if not interested thank you.

Kind Regards,

Mr. Floyd W. Brown
Chief Investment Officer United Kingdom.

Oh, sure, right. First off, let's start with a name. Floyd. Because who in this day and age is named Floyd? Nobody. Because the Floyds of the world have long since changed their name. Because it's a dumb name.

Besides, when you think of investment firms, does a guy named Floyd cross your mind as a likely staff member? No.

There's the usual capitalization of words that don't need it. There's the overly formal style that does not read at all like it's written by someone with a natural grasp of the English language. Because we've all seen this before. It's a scam.

First off, I don't have a company. So why is this being sent to me? Second, even if I did, I wouldn't be looking for financing from some random dolt sending the same message to 500 000 other email addresses. Because there's no firm. There's no management to review anything.

There's just a group of internet scammers who send out these emails knowing that a handful of that half a million emails they send out will get someone who bites at the bait and sends the "processing fee" of a few thousand dollars for riches that aren't ever going to come.

Nice try, dumbass. But I've seen far too many of your kind pulling this nonsense down through the years to believe anything you have to say about anything.

Normally at this point I'd suggest some sort of cruel and unusual punishment, something that would leave you in physical agony. Or worse, dead.

But instead, I'm going to double down on this and make the following suggestion.

You should be tied to a chair and forced to spend the next four months listening to this guy sing.

If you want to call what he does singing.

Monday, April 3, 2023