Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it's the cat's turn to have her say...

7:25 AM. Slowly waking up at home. Dreamed of rabbits and peeps. Just what are peeps anyway?

7:27 AM. Staring outside. More of that thaw going on. Still lots of snow left to go, though.

7:31 AM. Pouncing onto the staff’s bed. Staff! Wake up! Breakfast time. I meow insistently.  

7:33 AM. The staff gets up after a great deal of my direct orders through meowing. Come on, come on, some of us haven’t had a treat since last night, and don’t forget the fact that you were out all day yesterday. Granted, on the other hand, it was you who went off to visit your idiot relations for Easter instead of them coming here, so I consider that a favour, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m hungry and want some food.

7:35 AM. Heading downstairs. Staff, why aren’t you coming downstairs with me?

7:41 AM. Pacing downstairs in the living room. Listening to sounds from upstairs. The staff is up in the shower. Come on, staff! I’m hungry and I demand sustenance immediately. Get down here post haste and feed me!

7:52 AM. The staff finally gets downstairs. Okay, staff... breakfast!

7:54 AM. Disappointed once again by the staff’s choice to give me a bowl of field rations instead of a proper breakfast. Staff, one of these days you and I are going to have to have a serious conversation about you no longer buying kibbles.

7:58 AM. Despite my natural reluctance, I eat some of those field rations. Hunger wins over, after all.

8:03 AM. Taking up a position on a windowsill to look out at the vastness of my domain. 

8:14 AM. Movement near the road. Wagging tail- oh, no... it’s that annoying mutt.

8:15 AM. Watching the mutt as he walks by. Well, he’s looking up at the house, but doesn’t seem to see me. I imagine the morning sun’s reflecting off the windows. Remove your presence from my sight, dog!

8:16 AM. The dog continues on, oblivious to my watching him. What purpose dogs serve in the world is a mystery that baffles me.

8:41 AM. Settling down for a nap. Sure, I only woke up just over an hour ago, but one can never have too many naps in a day.

11:53 AM. Awake again. Big stretch. Staff? It must be lunch soon, right? Staff? Staff?

11:54 AM. Looking out one of the windows. Oh, wonderful, the car’s gone. Come on, staff! This is an official holiday! You’re supposed to be off work! And more to the point, you’re supposed to spend all day catering to my whims! Wait... how on earth did she leave without my hearing her go?

12:03 PM. Stewing as I sit on the windowsill, dismayed by the absence of my staff. I’ll have words for her when I get back, I swear to Isis...

1:19 PM. Okay, so the staff’s not going to be back anytime soon... I think a nap’s a good way to kill some time.

3:47 PM. Waking up. I hear a car door!

3:49 PM. The staff walks in the front door. Well, it’s about time! I apply a fierce head bonk to her legs. Where have you been, and more to the point, what treats did you bring back for me? Oh, and by the way, who gave you clearance to leave without consulting me?

3:51 PM. Jumping up on the kitchen table, where the staff is taking care of some grocery bags. Looks like the staff bought some extra Easter candy, lots of chocolate eggs and that sort of thing. Staff, why do you buy things that I’m expressly forbidden to eat? Still, I smell something good in there... smells like tuna.

3:52 PM. The staff presents me with something unexpected- a tuna treat in the shape of an Easter egg. Now this is an Easter treat I can get behind. Why aren’t there any stories about Easter bunnies hauling these around?

3:54 PM. Devouring the treat. So delicious. Staff? This makes up for breakfast.

6:32 PM. Dinner with the staff. Nice roast beef goes down in just the right way. If only my staff wasn’t so remiss in breakfasts. Come to think of it now, I wonder if her brain needs an hour to really wake up in the morning, and that’s why she spends so many breakfasts giving me field rations. It would explain a lot.

8:49 PM. Running up and down the stairs for absolutely no reason. It's a cat thing.

11:28 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Try not to close the bedroom door. If I feel like running around for no reason at all at four in the morning, I would like to be unobstructed as I jump up on the bed and sprint across your face.

Monday, March 28, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

I'm finishing off the month with the point of view of the dog and the cat, on the day after Easter. As always, I start off with the doggie.

7:24 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceedingly well. Had dreams of chasing a rabbit carrying a basket full of chocolate. That’s what post-Easter doldrums will do to you.

7:28 AM. Looking at the pantry door. Okay, the human put the leftover Easter candy in there, and unfortunately that means I can’t get at it. What with the whole not having opposable thumbs dilemma and having problems with doors. There’s also this whole thing that humans say about chocolate not being good for dogs, but between you, me, and the wooden rooster she keeps up on the windowsill, I think that’s a lie so that the humans get all the chocolate.

7:31 AM. The human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! Say, how about a wee bite of breakfast? That would hit the spot right about now, you know...

7:34 AM. Devouring my first meal of the day. Kibbles are delicious. Yum yum yum!

7:37 AM. Out the door for my morning run. Bye, human! See you later!

7:42 AM. Sniffing around at some of the melting snow. We could still get more of it before we’re really done with winter. I wouldn’t mind that myself, but for some odd reason, not everyone loves snow. Go figure.

7:48 AM. Running through the back fields, barking at everything I see. All good dogs must get a requisite amount of barks out during the day. It’s okay to go over the limit, but not under the limit. Which is why some dogs bark for no reason at all at two in the morning.

7:52 AM. Moving through the woods. Movement ahead. Hey, could that be one of those infernal squirrels? How I would love to get one of those cornered once and for all...

7:53 AM. Uh oh, definitely not a squirrel. Black and white pattern’s very familiar.... it’s a skunk. Backing up very carefully... hoping there’s not another skunk right behind me. Look, I’m not any threat to you. Please don’t spray me. I’ve had that done before, and I really don’t like the inevitable tomato juice baths and endless cleaning process that it involves.

7:54 AM. Sitting still like a statue while the skunk passes by me. It looks at me as if considering whether or not it wants to thoroughly ruin my day. Oh please oh please oh please just keep moving...

7:55 AM. The skunk has gone off into the woods without spraying me. Breathing a sigh of relief. That was way, way, way too close.

8:04 AM. Stopping at the home of Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Spike! You won’t believe what happened!

8:05 AM. After our customary doggie greetings, I inform Spike of the encounter in the woods with the skunk.

8:06 AM. Spike advises caution while travelling through the woods. Skunks, after all, are easily startled, and the consequences are far too unpleasant. He suggests I refrain from running whilst in the woods. Okay, so maybe I’ll amble, or mosey, or strut through the woods instead. Is strutting the sort of thing a dog would do?

8:09 AM. Spike and I discuss sightings of the common enemy. The squirrels have been more active as of late as winter ends and spring is taking hold. We conclude the little bastards must be up to something.

8:11 AM. Parting ways with Spike. I decide to take an alternate route home instead of the woods. I don’t want to inadvertently startle any skunks, after all. 

8:15 AM. Passing by the home where that cranky cat lives, only today I’m walking past the front of the property. Taking a look up at the place. No sign of her in a window, so she must be doing some cat stuff. Like scratching a post or batting around a ball of yarn. Cats are such a mystery, if you ask me.

8:23 AM. Back home. Barking to alert the human to my presence. Human! Loki, Chewer of Slippers and Annoyance of Mailmen has returned!

8:25 AM. The human subjects me to the Towel Of Torment. Come now, human... wet dog smell isn’t that bad. I’m sure some cosmetics company is probably thinking right now of how to bottle the smell and sell it for three hundred dollars a bottle. Besides, I got lucky today and didn’t get skunked. Can you imagine how long that would take clean me up?

8:38 AM. Circling around on the rug in front of the fireplace. Time for a nap.

12:03 PM. Awake and mooching some dinner rolls from the human over lunch.

1:13 PM. Staring out at the road, waiting for the mailman to come so I can bark at him.

2:05 PM. The human comes outside and informs me that since it’s an official holiday, the mailman has the day off. Wait, so I’ve been sitting out here for the better part of an hour and it was all for nothing?

6:06 PM. Dinner with the human. Some leftover Easter ham. Yum yum yum. Say, human, how about some of that leftover Easter chocolate you’re holding out on me?

8:03 PM. Despite my mooching eyes, the human's not giving me any of that Easter chocolate.

11:31 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! A bit of a shame you didn’t leave the pantry door open. Just saying. Not that I’d get into your Easter chocolate or anything, right? I’m a good dog, after all. Right? Of course, right!