Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, August 28, 2023

Last Stand Of The Internet Scammer


One wonders what led them to choose this rather deplorable line of work. I refer of course to the repugnant people classified as homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus- the classic internet scammer and spammer. Do they have no real job? No friends? No direction in life? Is this what they've come to? Endlessly spamming pointless crap we're not interested in to begin with in the form of generic comments in our blogs. Sending us, along with hundreds of thousands of other random souls, the same form email that promises fortune and glory- if you're dumb enough to believe it. Such is the case with the following bit of nonsense, which turned up in my email some weeks back.

Attention Please,This email you have received is from Lakoma Island Investments onbehalf of the winner of January 13, 2023 - $1.348 billion ($723.5million cash) Maine jackpot lottery.See link below for verification:
We are giving the sum $1,500,000.00 (One Million Five hundredThousand US Dollars) each to some selected individuals asdonation.You have been luckily selected via the mail system to receive thesum of $1,500,000.00 (One Million Five hundred Thousand USDollars).Note that you are required to contact Mr. John Wearn with yourdonation code and personal contact details for claim.THIS IS YOUR DONATION CODE: 2023-1.5-MIL/WIN/LII/5You have to contact him directly with the information below.Name : Mr. John WearnEmail : Email : lejohnw01@aliyun.comNote: PLEASE BEWARE OF SCAMMERS, YOU HAVE TO CONTACT MR. JOHNWEARN DIRECTLY WITH THE EMAIL GIVEN ABOVE.Regards,Lakoma Island Investments.

Once again, the lottery scam gambit. First, yes, there was a winner of such a jackpot, and yes, they formed a holding company to claim their winnings anonymously. That's pretty much where any truth to this ends. Because this nonsense is not coming from anyone actually representing that winner, who is probably hiding from people they haven't spoken to for twenty years looking to mooch off them. And can you blame them? Would you want to be taking calls from those goofballs you knew in high school suddenly showing up telling you they've got this great idea, and all they need is a six figure investment? Of course not.

No, this is a scammer. Because they're sending this random email out to hundreds of thousands of random emails through "the mail system". Not only that, but "as donation. Not "as a donation", but "as donation." Because that's how someone with a command of the English language would phrase it. 

Our scumbag scammer, who's totally not named John Wearn, gives us a weird email address to reply back to with that totally fake donation code. Because there's no money. Except the four figure "administration fee" that the suckers who actually believe this crap will have to shell out to the scammer. Who will then disappear into the ether.

By which time, the mark will have realized they've been conned, and will have gone to the police, and will be inconsolable and wondering how they're going to get back the money they lost in this whole fiasco. And the police, meanwhile, who have seen all of this before, will shake their heads, and try not to say, "what were you thinking?" As tempting as it may be to do so, because let's face it, this is pretty obvious as scams go, and you really ought to know better.

But by then, the scammer will be long gone, having had left behind a long line of phony email accounts and starting on the next run of scam emails. 

Nice try, jerkoff, but honestly, we are wise to your ways. And you are a complete scumbag. Deep down you know this. Deep down you know that this is why everyone you know hates you, and why none of them will miss you when you're dead.

Not that you'll ever admit to it. 

So why don't you do us a favour? 

Since odds are this crap is coming from someone in one of the former Soviet republics, why don't you apply for work with the Wagner Group? I hear they're looking for hard workers. And trying to fill the position of the boss.

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Internet Scams And Other Disasters

They have never heard of giving up, going away, and finding an honest way to make a living. I speak, of course, of that vile, repugnant form of life otherwise known as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, who plague our blogs with Cambodian sports spam or desperate attempts to get clicks on their own pointless blog (Rajani Rehana, I'm looking at you) or sends us emails with pointless drivel that anyone with a working brain can see through.

The following recently came through to my junk email folder, with the usual bells and whistles showing this to be your standard internet scammer.

ATTENTION:I am Mr. David Wilson Head of Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Harts field-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. During our investigation, I discovered An abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from the United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport. To our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes weighing approximately 110kg each. The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as a personal Effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities.The diplomat's inability to pay for Non Inspection fees among other things are the reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned. By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $4M or more. They are still left in the airport storage facility till today. The Consignments like I said are two metal trunk boxes weighing about 110kg each (Internal dimension: W61 x H156 x D73 (cm) effective Capacity: 680 L) Approximately. The details of the consignment including your name and email on the official document from the United Nations' office in London where the shipment was tagged as personal effects/classified document is still available with us. As it stands now, you have to reconfirm your Full name, Phone Number, full address so I can cross-check and see if it corresponds with the one on the official documents.Email directly for immediate attentionIt is now left to you to decide if you still need the consignment or allow us to repatriate it back to the UK (place of origin) as we were instructed. Like I did say again, the shipper abandoned it and ran away most importantly because he gave a false declaration, he could not pay for the yellow tag, he could not secure a valid non inspection document(s), etc. I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to get back this package provided you will also give me something out of it (financial gratification). You can either come in person, or you engage the services of a secure shipping/delivery Company/agent that will provide the necessary security. That is required to deliver the package to your doorstep or the destination of your choice. I need all the guarantees that I can get from you before I can get involved in this project.Sincerely,David Wilson,Head Officer-in-Charge,CONTACT

Now then, a look at the name David Wilson and Hartsfield-Jackson airport online finds that whoever this guy really is (because his name isn't David Wilson), he's been doing this for years. The same form letter email features prominently in various sites warning about scammers. So in the tradition of the Cancer Widow, Unethical Banker, and Deposed Beloved Tyrant, here we have the Non-Existent Airport Inspector. 

If he really worked at Hartsfield-Jackson, he'd know it's not Harts field-Jackson, for starters. This scammer has many of the hallmarks of the internet scammer who doesn't really have a solid grasp of the English language. He capitalizes letters that don't need it and employs the old United Nations abandoned shipment scam (which has its own set of warnings online, as it's also a well known scam).

He spins the tale of two trunk boxes with millions of dollars inside, repeating pointless details like their weight and dimension. He says that the shipper "abandoned it and ran away most importantly"- as if that's a phrase anyone with a command of the English language would use. And he asks for contact information so he can verify if my name matches that on the documentation. All while writing in that overly formal way that suggests our boy doesn't speak English as a first language at all, but is running this nonsense through translation software.

Nice try, scumbag, but this is all too familiar to me, and frankly, I know better.

Honestly, if making an honest living is such a difficult thing for you to do, why not follow some advice from my spirit animal?

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time for the perspective of that most supreme being, the cat, who knows all and sees all and won't let us forget it.

7:00 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of chasing sheep.

7:02 AM. Examining the exterior from the back of the couch. Flying lunches pecking around in the grass. If there wasn't a window between us, you'd be in so much trouble right now.

7:08 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs. Come on, staff, I don't have all day, and you're making my breakfast overdue.

7:17 AM. The staff finally gets downstairs. It's about time, I was waiting on you for what felt like hours, did you know that?

7:18 AM. Issuing firm instructions to the staff on what I want for breakfast. No field rations, staff! Are we clear on that? None. And would it have killed you to wake up a half hour earlier to put the plate in the fridge? It's called having a pre-chilled plate, creating the optimal dining experience.

No, I am not high maintenance. Why do people keep saying that about me?

7:20 AM. The staff sets my breakfast down on the floor.

A bowl of milk and plate of chicken meet with my approval.

The bowl of field rations does not.

7:22 AM. Finished with the meat and milk. I shall disregard the field rations, in the hopes that one of these days my staff will finally take the hint.

7:28 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, hearing the incessant barking of that foul hound from down the road. Running around, barking his head off, waking up the proverbial dead....

7:36 AM. The staff is on her way off to that work place she insists on going to all the time. Very well, staff. But remember to pick up some milk on the way home. We're running low.

7:39 AM. Watching out a window as the staff drives the car out the driveway.

Now then, what's on the agenda for today? Aside from naps?

8:02 AM. Watching the weather network. They're calling for some thunderstorms later in the day. Wonderful.

8:09 AM. Well, all things being as they are, I think a good nap is in order. After all, I've been awake for an entire hour now, so I've earned it.

10:28 AM. Woken out of a sound sleep by an alarm. It's coming from the staff's secondary cell phone. A look on the screen indicates a tornado watch.


11:37 AM. Have maintained a vigil around the house going from window to window looking outside, but no signs of tornadoes. It's just as well, but still...

11:45 AM. Stopping by the staff's cell phone and glaring at it.

You lied to me.

12:05 PM. Feeling hungry. Must check out the kitchen for something edible.

12:06 PM. Damn. Field rations are the only thing out in the open.

12:08 PM. Despite my reservations, I have eaten the field rations.

1:30 PM. Woken up out of a good sleep by the sound of distant barking. A look at the clock indicates the mailman must be making a drop off down the road.

That damned dog does not get that the man is just doing his job.

And worse, he interrupted my nap!

5:15 PM. Woken up from my third nap of the day by the front door opening and the staff coming in.

Well, staff, did you remember the milk?

5:20 PM. Inspecting the grocery bags. Sure enough, there's milk.

6:17 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made meatloaf, and I've got a couple of slices for my dinner.

Very good, staff, very good indeed.

This makes up for the field rations.

6:39 PM. The staff is working on washing dishes. I'd help, staff, but you know I'm not a fan of water.

7:02 PM. The staff settles in on the couch. I require belly rubs.

8:23 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of existence. 

What is the purpose of a squirrel?

11:21 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff, sleep well.

But do keep the door open.

I reserve the right to sprint through the house for no reason at four in the morning, and I don't much like having closed doors.