Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Sunday, June 25, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the cat to have her say, for as a supreme being, she must always have the last word in everything.

6:57 AM. Waking up and taking a big stretch. Slept well. Dreamed of fields of catnip.

7:03 AM. Examining the exterior from the back of the couch. Some flying lunches pecking around on the grass. Sun's been up for a long while already. It's too early in the day to wake up if you ask me, and you are asking me.

7:09 AM. Wondering how long it'll take for the staff to get down here and start seeing to my breakfast. 

7:15 AM. Come on, staff, I know you're awake, get down here and feed me!

7:24 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff, I was about to come up there and yell. Did you know I've been awake nearly a half hour and haven't eaten yet?

7:26 AM. Issuing instructions to the staff on specifics for my breakfast. 

7:27 AM. ...and by the way, staff, just to be absolutely clear, there is to be no bowl of field rations involved in my breakfast. Do we understand each other?

7:29 AM. The staff puts my breakfast down on the floor. A bowl of milk and a plate of chicken meet with my approval. The bowl of field rations does not.

7:32 AM. Have finished my breakfast. I have entirely ignored the bowl of field rations in the hope that my staff might someday understand my disdain. 

I shall leave her to have her breakfast in peace.

7:35 AM. Somewhere off in the distance I can hear the barking of that foul hound from down the road.

He'd better not come onto my property, or there'll be hell to pay...

7:42 AM. The staff is on her way out the door to go to that work place. Staff? A reminder that we're running low on milk.

7:45 AM. The staff is on her way, leaving the driveway. Now then, as I'll be alone for a few hours, planning out the day and how to occupy myself must be seen to.

Naps will be a priority.

8:12 AM. Barking off in the distance disturbs my reverie. I get up on the windowsill and look, but there's no sign of that foul hound on my property. Something appears to have him agitated.


8:20 AM. The barking continues, and sounds like it's relatively stationary. Just as long as he doesn't think of coming here.

8:30 AM. It appears that the dog has stopped barking. I wonder what got him so mad.

My compliments to the cause of it.

8:42 AM. Okay, all things being as they are, I think that a nap is called for at this point in the morning.

11:32 AM. Waking up. Big yawn and a stretch. Feeling a bit hungry.

11:33 AM. Oh, that's right. The only food still in the open is that bowl of field rations.

Oh well. When in need....

1:30 PM. Distant barking from that foul hound from down the road, barking at the mailman.

Has it occurred to you that he's only doing his job?

2:23 PM. Starting to have a case of the zoomies. Will have to sprint through the entire house.

4:45 PM. Waking up from another nap that was well earned after I dashed through every room of the house at maximum speed.

5:29 PM. The staff arrives at home. It's about time, staff. Tell me, did you bring milk?

5:32 PM. Supervising the staff while she unpacks the groceries. Good, very good. Two cartons of milk.

6:24 PM. Dinner with the staff. Bacon apple pancakes are very much approved of by me, if you ask me, and you are asking me.

8:48 PM. Pondering some of life's great mysteries. What is the meaning of the ball of string?

11:20 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff, sleep well.

Keep the door open, because I'll most likely be walking all over you at three in the morning.

Sunday, June 18, 2023

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, I must start with the dog's point of view, as he's so easily distracted by so many things.

7:00 AM. Waking up. Slept very well. Looks like the sun is up and out already. It's that time of year. Long days, short nights. But fortunately my quota of sleep time is the same.

7:03 AM. Checking outside, surveying the back lawn. No sign of that evil horrible rotten squirrel, but he must be out there somewhere....

...plotting against me.

7:10 AM. Waiting on the human to get downstairs to feed me. After all, I can't feed myself, can I? No, of course not. I lack the vital opposable thumbs for that purpose.

7:17 AM. The human finally comes downstairs. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it? Say, any thoughts yet about my breakfast? Just saying. I've barely been up twenty minutes, but it feels like it's been twenty hours since I had a meal. 

7:18 AM. ....and no, scarfing that last slice of pizza last night doesn't count as a meal. That was a snack.

7:20 AM. Watching the human pouring a big bowl of kibbles.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.....

7:21 AM. Licking my chops after finishing off breakfast. Five seconds off my all time fastest consumption of breakfast.

That was good!

7:25 AM. Making inquiries with the human as to if she'll let me out for a run.

7:27 AM. Out the door and on my way. See you later, human!

7:35 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, as happy as I can be.

Life is good!

7:46 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

7:48 AM. After having had made our customary doggie greetings, Spike and I catch up on the news of the day. The weather forecast. The movements of the squirrels. Why cats like catnip.

7:51 AM. Spike notes that even though the days are long and summer is upon us, it won't be that long before we start really noticing that days are getting shorter and we start that long descent back towards winter.

Well Spike, we are Canadian, after all, and winter is part of the whole package.

7:55 AM. Spike promises to keep me up to date when the mailman shows up around his place. I don't know what he's up to, but it can't be good...

8:10 AM. Walking through the woods, sniffing things as I go...

Something ahead in the clearing.

It's that damned squirrel!

8:11 AM. Stalking forward quietly. The squirrel has his back to me. I'm going to get him. I'm actually going to get him this time.

Step on a stick. It snaps. 

The squirrel turns and sees me.

The pursuit begins.

8:12 AM. Circling a tree. The damned squirrel got up it just in time and is now up there taunting me and laughing at me and ridiculing me.

I was this close!

8:28 AM. It's no use. That damned squirrel isn't coming down, no matter now long I stay down here. He's up there watching me and laughing. I might as well go home.

I turn to leave and look back at him.

One of these days, pal... you're going to get what's coming to you.

You hear me? You're gonna get what's coming!!!

8:43 AM. Barking at the back door for the human to let me in.

She obliges me momentarily. 

Human? I hate squirrels.

10:31 AM. The human is having coffee. She's kind enough to give me an oatmeal cookie. 

12:17 PM. Lunch with the human. My patented sad eyes trick has convinced her to give me a ham and cheese sandwich.

1:30 PM. Barking at the mailman as he drops some stuff off at the mailbox and drives away.

Get lost, you fiend! And never come back!

3:46 PM. The human is having afternoon tea. I have successfully persuaded her to give me an oatmeal cookie.

6:29 PM. Dinner with the human. She's given me a plate of ground beef. This is very good, but just a question, why am I also not getting the spaghetti you're eating yours with? Yes, I know it's a sloppy meal, but that was one time.

8:40 PM. Pondering life's greatest mysteries. Why is the sky blue? Are mailmen born evil, or do they develop into evil people over time?

11:29 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human. Sleep well.

Fear not, for I'll guard the house well.

In between naps.