Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, March 30, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Some links to see to before we get underway today. Cheryl had some living history photographs from her area. Lorelei is working on a new project. And the Whisk had a fun fact.

And so we come to our regular appearance by the divine feline. Show the cat the proper respect owed to such a superior life form.

7:25 AM. Awake at home. The staff has already gotten out of bed. I can hear the shower running. How did she get up without me knowing?

7:38 AM. Downstairs. Waiting impatiently for the staff. I would have to remind my staff that I have not been fed since last night, and am feeling quite hungry. Where is she? How long does it take for anyone to shower? If she cleaned herself up the way cats clean up, this would be much easier.

7:43 AM. It’s about time, staff! Now then, I would say breakfast is in order, wouldn’t you?

7:49 AM. Once again, the staff disappoints me with a bowl full of field rations. Staff, would it kill you to serve lightly chilled tuna with a side of milk for breakfast?

7:50 AM. I walk away from the bowl of field rations, demanding to be let out. Perhaps I can get lucky and catch one of those flying lunches.

7:52 AM. Out on back terrace. More snow fell last night. When is this winter going to end? At least the sun feels warmer.

8:17 AM. I can hear the distant barking of that annoying mutt from down the road. What purpose do dogs actually serve in this world? Is it a mystery doomed to never be solved?

9:03 AM. My basking in a sun puddle is interrupted by a sudden bark from the edge of the property. Oh, wonderful, it’s that infernal mutt. 

9:04 AM. Hissing and expressing my deep displeasure at the presence of the foul hound. Get out of here, dog! What part of I don’t like you do you not understand?

9:05 AM. I issue a harsh ultimatum at the annoying mutt. Not that the dog will pay much attention. Dogs, as a rule, are too dimwitted to take a hint.

9:06 AM. The dog withdraws from the property line, looking confused. That is, of course, his default facial expression.

9:12 AM. The staff lets me back in the house. Staff, what can be done to make dogs stay at home?

9:41 AM. Staff is finishing rinsing the morning dishes. I hop up on the counter and test the water from the faucet. Nice and cold.  Just the way I like it. Staff, do not turn off this tap until I am done drinking from the water stream.

9:42 AM. The staff turns off the water before I was done. Staff! Turn that back on!

9:44 AM. Dismayed by my inability to turn the tap on. Oh well, I’ll take a nap.

12:35 PM. Waking up from my nap. Hey, did I sleep through lunch?

1:43 PM. Looking at the calendar. That Easter thing is coming up soon. I really don’t get that custom. Church services on the one hand, and chocolate rabbits and eggs on the other. What is the point to all that?

3:58 PM. The staff is having tea. She has thoughtfully given me a bowl of milk. This compensates for that atrocious breakfast.

6:32 PM. The staff is busy preparing dinner. I am busy supervising. On the good side, she’s making some lamb chops. On the inexplicable side, she’s also making cabbage rolls and salad. I don’t understand why human beings eat that.

6:51 PM. Having a plate of lamb with a side of milk. Now this is much better. And yes, for some odd reason the staff actually is eating those cabbage rolls and salad with her meat. There are times I don’t get the way my staff thinks.

7:26 PM. Supervising the staff while she does dishes. Humans do require very close supervision, after all.

7:35 PM. Staff finished up. Very well, staff, to the living room, and sit down. I have some time booked on your lap, regardless of any other plans you may have made.

8:35 PM. Waking up from nap in living room. The staff is reading. It’s that To Catch A Mockingbird book, which, of course, is false advertising. Oh, well, at least she’s not reading something like that 50 Shades Of Grey book. Too bad someone didn’t retitle that one 50 Shades Of Christian Grey Spayed. 

9:28 PM. Running around upstairs for no reason, turning over some scatter rugs. All in the cause of making my staff think I've lost my mind.

11:17 PM. Watching the national news with the staff. There’s a story about the annual implosion of the Toronto Maple Leafs season. Yes, well, if their fans grew a brain and stopped rooting for them, maybe that would change, but it’s not likely, is it?

11:45 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, you have my leave. But I expect you to keep the door open. I want to be able to come and go as I please, and that includes walking all over you at three forty in the morning.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Some links before getting started today. Yesterday having had been a Friday, Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday. Krisztina had ideas for Easter decoration. Eve had a Facebook unfriended post at her blog. Lorelei had a look at her other book. And Mark shared seven things.

We turn once again to the regular dog and cat point of view posts, starting, as always, from the view of the hound (Loki as he happens to be called, a fitting name for such a canine)....

7:35 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of chasing a rabbit. For some inexplicable reason the rabbit got away. Maybe next time...

7:42 AM. Good morning, human! Nice day, isn’t it? It looks like we got more snow overnight. Tell me, is this winter ever going to end? More pressing business though: how about some breakfast?

7:48 AM. Wolfing down a bowl full of kibbles. Yum yum yum!!!

7:51 AM. Out the back door for my morning constitutional. If I catch up to my arch nemesis the infernal squirrel, so much the better.

8:02 AM. Running through the back fields. Barking my head off. Lots of snow. Aren’t we past the first day of spring yet?

8:26 AM. Stopping in to pay a visit to Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. We greet in the customary dog style.

8:28 AM. Spike and I confer on movements of the enemy. Squirrels have not been seen by either of us in the last three days, though both of us have heard them in the woods. Devious little bastards. They must be up to something completely evil. And whatever it is, you just know it involves nuts.

8:31 AM. Spike and I discuss the upcoming Easter holiday. It is still a perplexing thing to both of us, but there are many things about humans that perplex dogs. For some reason they won’t let us have chocolate eggs.

8:43 AM. I part ways with Spike after we agree to keep each other updated through the bark line on any squirrel world domination plots. 

9:03 AM. Stopping by that property where that cranky cat lives. And hey, there she is, sniffing at the snow! I think I’ll say hello. Woof!

9:04 AM. The cranky cat hisses at me and expresses deep disdain. Come on, cat, why can’t you and I just let bygones be bygones and be buddies? 

9:05 AM. The cat warns me that if I step so much as one paw on her property, she will go scorched earth on me. What does that mean? Scorched earth? Cats. I’ll never figure them out.

9:06 AM. Taking my leave, continuing on my way through the woods. Bye, cat. Maybe you’ll be in a better mood tomorrow.

9:22 AM. Back home. Barking at the door. Hey, human! I’m home!

9:24 AM. Inside and settling into the living room for a nap. As always, I turn in a circle three times and settle down by the fireplace.

12:05 PM. Waking up from nap. Smell the air. Something is cooking, but it’s too early for dinner...

12:06 PM. Coming into the kitchen. Big pan on the stove. Human nearby. Oh, she’s making soup.

The problem with soup is she won’t give me any. Something about me making a lot of mess. Come on, human, it was only the one time!

12:27 PM. I use my sad eye puppy look to mooch a dinner roll from the human. Yum yum yum!

1:15 PM. The human is off running errands in the barn. I, meanwhile, am busy staring out the window in anticipation of the mailman.

1:22 PM. I spot the mailman’s truck coming down the road. I bark most strenuously in frustration at his insolence in coming down this road! How dare he leave anything in that mailbox!

1:23 PM. There he is! Putting mail in the box! Barking my head off! This is an outrage! You and I will have words! If I had my way, my teeth would be clamped on your leg!

1:31 PM. The human comes in, carrying the mail. Human! The vile mailman once again left mail, despite my barks of outrage!

5:53 PM. Waking up from my latest nap. Smell of bacon in the house. Oh, this is too good to pass up... The human is making bacon pancakes! Human! Have I mentioned how much I love you?

6:23 PM. Having dinner. The human and I are feasting on bacon pancakes. You know, you can really taste the bacon when you chew slowly....

11:31 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! I will stay down here, and try to figure out where you have hidden all those Easter treats you’ve bought.

Of course, with my luck, they’re in the pantry or in some closet, and my lack of opposable thumbs can’t navigate door knobs.