Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
M Is For Murder, Part Three
Taken from the transcripts of the interrogation of Grover the Muppet by Inspector Lars Ulrich of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, in regards to the murder of Elmo... Ulrich: Grover, do you understand why you're here?
Grover: You believe that I took the life of Elmo, sir! But I assure you that I did not!
Ulrich: The evidence we have against you says different.
Grover: I am innocent, Mr. Detective, sir!
Ulrich: Inspector Lars Ulrich, of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Grover: Are you out of your jurisidiction, sir?
Ulrich: Shut up! I got called in as a favour. Besides, everyone knows Mounties always get their man. Or muppet, in this case. And stop asking questions. I'm the one asking questions here. What's your full name?
Ulrich: Last name?
Grover: Muppets have no last name, sir.
Ulrich: Refusing to cooperate, are you?
Grover: Please sir, I do not understand why you have arrested me.
Ulrich: I'll get to that. First, what is it with that voice of yours? That accent? Where are you from? And what's with that gravely high pitched thing you do?
Grover: I have always talked like this, sir. At least I can speak in the first person, sir.
Ulrich: Unlike Elmo. You hated that, didn't you? He was always talking in the third person, and you hated him for it.
Grover: Sir, I assure you, I had nothing to do with this, sir. I have an alibi. In fact, I was in bed with a delightful woman named Karla, and her husband, sir! It seems that she has a muppet fetish, and wanted a threesome, sir! I was with them all night!
Ulrich: Nice alibi. Did I say anything about you doing the murder yourself?
Grover: I did not have anything to do with the murder at all, sir! I promise you!
Ulrich: What about the fifty thousand dollars you withdrew from your bank account two days before the murder? Care to explain that?
Grover: If you must know, sir, I have a bit of a gambling problem.
Ulrich: How convenient. Well, how about this recording we found on your answering machine?
Ulrich turns on a tape recorder. A drowsy voice comes on. Voice: It's done. The little red son of a bitch is dead. Grover: Sir, I do not know why that message was on my machine. I do not know how to erase messages, sir. It must have been a prank, sir! Someone is trying to frame me, sir! You must believe me, sir!
Ulrich: That's likely. So who'd you hire to bash in Elmo's head, Grover? Who's your hitman?
Grover: Hitman, sir? I did not hire a hitman, sir...
Ulrich: You hated Elmo, Grover! You hated that he was hogging all of the attention. You hated that everyone loved him, and no one was paying attention to you anymore. So you saw your chance, and you took it. You hired some goon with brass knuckles, and he worked Elmo over. You had your thug kill Elmo. You pleased with yourself? Millions of children are crying right now because of your bruised ego! Because you couldn't stand losing popularity. Well, now you're going to pay, Grover. You will pay the ultimate price for cold blooded murder. This state has the death penalty, you know. What do you have to say for yourself?
Grover: Just one thing, sir.
Ulrich: What's that, Grover?
Grover: Why is a Metallica band member a police officer, sir?