Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Monday, September 27, 2010
Remarks From The International Order Of The Moose
The following is lifted from the transcripts of the IOTM; reader discretion is advised...
"Brothers and sisters! Welcome to the 2010 gathering of the International Order Of The Moose. I'm Empress Ursula, Grand Moosette of the Great Northern Woods, and chieftainess of the Order. Today I open with these remarks. We have been the subject and ridicule of late from the humans. One of our number, Rufus of Wyoming, has become infatuated with a bison statue he calls Mavis."
"Is he blind?"
"Yes, brothers and sisters, I know. This would have been kept quiet, had a human not captured the image of Rufus and Mavis on one of their devices and posted it on another. We have received word that the humans continue to mock our ways. They believe we are all as mis-intentioned as Brother Rufus. Instead of trying to understand us, they delight in ridiculing us. I say shame! Shame on the humans!"
"We will have our day, I promise you. In the next few days, we will devise a plan of revenge so cunning, so devious, that those who have heckled us will never see it coming. In the meantime, however, we have an unusual request from one of the humans. She is a socialite, a hotel heiress, whatever that is, and she has asked to speak to us."
At this point, a blonde haired, vacant eyed party girl walked into the room, took to the podium, and stared out at the crowd of moose.
"Hi! I'm Paris! And I'm hot! And all of you are hot! Aren't we all hot? You know, I've gone and had sex with pretty every single person I've wanted! It's all I really do with my time, when I'm not shopping or partying or doing drugs. Now I want to take it in a totally hot direction. I want to have sex with animals. I want to fuck a moose. That would be, like, so hot."
Empress Ursula spoke again, facing the party girl.
"Are you mentally ill?"