Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, October 18, 2021

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

It has been a long while since I last featured the perspective of that vile, delusional, hoping for the impossible sports fan otherwise known as a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yes, that demented fool, part of a pack of likewise demented fools calling themselves Leafs Nation, still believing that this year is going to be their year. All while oblivious to the fact that no, it won't be.

9:12 AM. Awake at home. Took the day off. Told the boss to go **** himself, that there are more important things to do today than my job. Well, that's not quite the ****in' way I put it, but let's just say I called in sick. 

A big day. The New York ****in' Rangers are in town tonight, and our Leafs are gonna win, baby! Woooo!!!!!!!!!!

9:38 AM. Gettin' ready for the big game. Got my jersey all ready to wear and go. Got my double vax done and taken care of. Not that I believe in any of that vax bull****, it's just that the arena is insistin' on it, and I'm a ****in' big time Leafs fan. So of course I got ****in' vaxxed.

10:02 AM. Mornin' breakfast of eggs, bacon, and maple syrup. The maple's for good luck tonight for the boys. Don't let us down, boys. This is our first step to winnin' the Stanley Cup. We're long overdue.

10:15 AM. Still feel like gripin' about how last year's playoffs went. One, because of those stupid ass ****in' restrictions, I didn't get to see one game in person. Who the **** got to see a game live? Some stupid ass ****in' essential ****in' health care workers! Who gives a **** about them?

But that's not the ****in' point. The point is those Montreal Canadiens beat our boys in that first round. That's enough of a humiliation. What made it even worse is they went all the way to the ****in' finals. They coulda won the Stanley Cup!

And that's unacceptable, you ****in' hear me? We can't be in this extended ****in' drought for more than half a century and let that happen.

10:20 AM. .... I mean, come on! It had to have been some big conspiracy! Someone up high in the NHL must have it in for the Leafs, and so they're goin' outta their ****in' way to keep our boys out of the finals, and hurt us even more by havin' the Montreal ****in' Canadiens beat our boys in the first round! That hurts! That's like a ****in' wound in the ****in' heart, man!

11:35 AM. Watchin' some of my Don Cherry Rock 'Em Sock 'Em videos. The guy is my mentor in life. Tells it like it is, pisses off the libs. Smartest guy I know. He should be the coach of the Leafs. Anyway, the way they booted him out of being a commentator? Totally ****in' wrong. Who gives a **** if he's a ****in' racist? I don't!

2:48 PM. Harry and Jack show up early. Hey, boys! Big game tonight! Are you ready? I'm ****in' ready! 

4:21 PM. Me and Jack and Harry get in a cab to head downtown to catch the game. Step on it, pal, we got a lot of pre-game drinkin' to get done before the big game! Don't give me that look. We're not about to throw up in your cab. We'll do that after the game.

5:03 PM. Gettin' into the bar before the game. Hey! Beer here!

6:38 PM. In the arena on our way to our seats. I'll tell you, boys, there's nothin' as great as watchin' the greatest team in the history of ****in' forever on the way to winnin' the Stanley Cup and bringin' it on home where it belongs. Nothin'!

7:04 PM. Anthem time. They've done that Star Spangled Whatever. Now it's time for our anthem. Ready, boys? 

O Maple Leafs, We will kick Habs ass too....

7:07 PM. Almost time for the game.... puck drop about to happen, here we go, boys! Get 'em!!!!!

7:08 PM. Boys, I don't get it. How the **** did they score on us?

7:48 PM. End of the first period. Rangers ahead nine to zero. Geez, Leafs, you gotta get your head in the game here, boys....

8:27 PM. How the **** can the Rangers be ahead 15 to 0? Is there some kinda ****in' conspiracy here? Hey, ref! Are you ****in' blind? Give those mother****ers some penalties! They're makin' us look bad!

8:59 PM. In between the second and third periods. Starin' at myself in the bathroom mirror. Tryin' to understand how the ****in' Rangers have scored twenty one goals tonight and our boys haven't scored one. Are the refs bein' bribed???

9:33 PM. Watchin' them score again on our boys. This hurts. This hurts way down deep. This was supposed to be our night. This was supposed to be our year. And it's happening again... it's all happening again.

9:36 PM. Another goal???? Come on, Campbell, pay attention! They're murderin' us tonight! You hear me??? Murderin' us!

9:40 PM. One of those event medics stop by and asks if I'm all right. Do I look all right? My boys are gettin' humiliated out there, and it's drivin' me ****in' nuts! Get the **** away from me!

10:01 PM. Final score, 27 to 0. Boys? We gotta get outta here. I need a drink. Or ten.

10:23 PM. Harry and Jack and me get into the bar. Lots of downcast faces. It hurts, man, it hurts. You know what, boys? I've said it before, but I mean it this time.

I'm done.

I'm done rootin' for a team that keeps ****in' up and breakin' my heart over and over again. Every ****in' year.

**** the Leafs!

11:35 PM. Me and Harry and Jack have been drinkin' for the last hour. Talkin' it over. You know, it has to be a conspiracy. The League is out to get them. That's it. Yeah, that's it. **** what I said earlier. You know, that thing about **** the Leafs? Forget that.

This was a bad night. We'll get past it. The boys will get past it. 

As long as we all believe in them. 

You with me, boys?

12:03 AM. I try hittin' on some babe in the bar. Tell her I'm in tight with the Leafs.

She tells me to go **** myself and walks away.

Must be a Rangers fan. 

12:15 AM. The bartender ushers us out of the bar. Don't worry, we'll be back here tomorrow night. Because drinkin' is the best way of havin' fun. 

No, I don't have a problem managing my booze. I love my booze.

12:39 AM. Back home, Only threw up twice in the cab. Staggerin' in the front door, collapsing on the couch. Geez, I'm gonna have a big ass mother****in' hangover in the mornin'. 

But that's okay.

Because I love the Leafs.

And the Leafs love me.

Go Leafs go!

Monday, October 11, 2021

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the perspective of the cat, the most supreme of all species to walk the planet. 

7:06 AM. Waking up at home. Slept reasonably well. Dreamed of having acres of catnip to wander through and lose myself in. Must speak to the staff about planting some catnip next spring.

7:09 AM. An inspection being made of the yard from the front window. Leaves continuing to change. Flying lunches pecking around at the grass. A weird looking kid strolling by on the road talking about the Great Pumpkin.

7:13 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs to start seeing to my breakfast. I know she's awake. I can hear movement upstairs. No, I can be patient. 

7:20 AM. Okay, staff, I have been plenty patient, but it is about time you get down here and see to my breakfast.

7:22 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff, I was about to come up there and complain. Now then, it's time for you to see to my breakfast. I'm expecting a bowl of milk and a plate of meat. It would be nice if you came down here a half hour ago and put that plate into the fridge for optimum pre-chilled plate enjoyment, but we can't always get what we want, can we? Now, I've explained to you many times, but I have no interest in all in having field rations. So no field rations today, are we clear on that?

7:24 AM. The staff gives me breakfast. The plate of meat and the bowl of milk meet with my approval. 

The bowl of field rations does not. 

I sigh and set to eating those items that meet with my approval.

7:26 AM. The staff is having some breakfast. I require some time outside, staff. Do let me out.

7:27 AM. The staff lets me out the back door and onto the deck. The flying lunches scatter upon seeing me.

7:31 AM. Stalking a squirrel until the little bastard notices me and climbs up a tree. Beyond my range of climbing, unfortunately. Oh well. Better luck next time.

7:34 AM. Walking back to the house just in time to see the staff drive off in her car. Wait a minute, staff, I'm still outside.



Get back here!

7:35 AM. The staff is gone. I'm stuck outside.

This does not please me.

7:37 AM. ....I mean, if I had a phone out here I could call the staff's office and demand that she get home immediately and let me back in, but I don't even have that. So sufficed to say, I am not happy right now. I expect the staff and I are going to have some words tonight, mark my words....

7:42 AM. Well, it could be worse, in hindsight. Clear day, the weather is not calling for rain. Because a wet cat is a grouchy cat. I'm just saying. And it's not like I'm going to freeze out here. I just have to stay out here all day. Assuming I don't go down the road and pay a visit to Mrs. McIntyre. She's really good at spoiling me rotten.

7:47 AM. Contemplating the things I will have to say to my staff when she gets home. I will express my displeasure in the most ardent of terms, believe you me...

7:48 AM. I was startled out of my thoughts by a sudden bark from behind me. It was that foul hound from down the road. I am now engaged in pursuing him across the lawn. He's laughing at me. I swear, he's laughing at me!

7:49 AM. The dog has retreated into the woods like the coward he is, barking and taunting me like he thinks it's funny. Well, it's not funny. And one of these days, dog, you'll get what's coming to you. You hear me?

You'll get what's coming to you!

7:53 AM. Back on the deck, brooding and pouting.

I hate dogs.

8:03 AM. Musing on my current situation. Thoroughly annoyed. Don't know what's worse. My staff departing without letting me back in, or that dog showing up to tease me.

8:31 AM. Have decided that I will have to take chances and have a nap at some point. Just have my claws ready if that damned dog returns again.

1:18 PM. Waking up from a nap. Slept exceptionally well. No sign of that dog.

1:28 PM. I can hear the sound of distant barking from the foul hound. It must be the mail. Do you understand that the mailman is just doing his job, or are you even dumber than I think you are?

5:17 PM. The staff returns into the driveway and gets out of her car. She sees me glaring at her.

Yes. You left me outside all day.

I am not happy with you.

5:19 PM. Giving the staff a piece of my mind after she's apologized to me for the whole not letting me back inside thing. This had better not happen again, staff, or....

...and she's managed to give me the scratch behind the ears thing that just turns me to putty.

Hey! I was mad at you! I'm not supposed to be purring.

6:27 PM. Dinner with the staff. She has cut up steak into small bite sized portions for me. This I highly appreciate. She is having hers with some Brussel sprouts. 

Human beings can be so weird.

8:41 PM. Lying on the couch beside my staff, pondering the great mysteries. Why do dogs exist?

11:38 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff, but remember, do keep the door open. I reserve the right to run through the house at two in the morning for no reason, and I don't want to have a closed door in my way.