Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Heaven And Hell: Sitting Down With A Cast Of Characters, Part Three

Me: Now, if we could all get back in order and get things back on track, I'd really appreciate it. We have to wrap things up here.

Stryker: We'll try.

Devon: Speak for yourself.

Claire: I'll have to get back to you.

Cain: Look, if it's not too much trouble, I have to go hunt some IRA bastards down and kill them in all sorts of terrible ways. Can we hurry up?

Nahas: Did you actually admit to that with intelligence officers around?

Cain: Oh, come on, I've got a free pass from our author here. Besides, it's the bloody IRA!

Nahas: Didn't they sign a peace treaty some years ago?

Cain: Not with me. I still have scores to settle.

Me: Cain?

Cain: Yes.

Me: I can forego that free pass, you know.

Cain: Shutting up now.

Eden: Let me ask you this. Does this help your writing process?

Me: Of course. It's taking you all as characters out of your normal setting and letting me interact with you. In a manner of speaking. It gets me inside your heads.

Devon: Aren't we already inside your head? You did create us.

Inside his head is a scary place.

Me: All right, who told you that?

Dayan: Well said, my dear.

Beigel: What was that? Dahlia and I are busy playing tongue hockey.

Dahlia: His breath tastes like peppermint, and I love that swirly thing he does inside my mouth...

Dahlia and Beigel go back to making out.

Me: I suppose I shouldn't even bother asking you two to pay attention.

Dayan: Sorry, but I suspect it's a lost cause.

Zaira: They're addicted to each other.

Eden: They're exhibitionists, actually. Last week they were going at each other out in the hot tub while everyone was watching.

Cain: Really? Any chance we can get a repeat?

Stryker: Nice idea, but maybe later.

Me: Let's finish up. I'm at a point now where I've launched into the proverbial Very Bad Thing...
Claire: Yes, I understand you're trying to trademark those three words.

Me: How do you all feel about that? About the worst case scenario?

Nahas: How should we? You refuse to explain this Very Bad Thing to your characters.

Cain: I'd suspect I have something to do with it, but he's told me I only appear briefly in the book. Unless that was a smoke screen. Was it, Kendall?

Me: That's for me to know and for you to wonder until the third book.

Devon: The worst case scenario? Is that what you're writing?

Me: Yes, it is.

Devon: Why not write a family drama? Or a legal novel? Or go for something that'll win you the Governor General's Award?

Me: You know about the Governor General's Award?

Devon: Certainly. Why not go for something like that?

Me: Because it's people like Margaret Atwood who win that sort of thing, and to be perfectly honest, I find Margaret Atwood tedious, boring, and insufferable.

Nahas: Oh, good. I'm not the only one.

Claire: You too? So do I!

Dayan: I'd say we all do.

Devon: No disagreement here.

Me: Great. We all agree we don't like Margaret Atwood. Now. Am I ever going to get an answer out of you? What do you think about the book shifting towards its central event?

Stryker: Might be nice to clue your characters into what that event is.

Me: Maybe afterwards when we're not being read.

Zaira: Oh, you mean by those people out there. Hello, everyone out beyond the Fourth Wall! Our author is holding out on us.

Me: So much for straight ans... Rafi, Dahlia, I don't think anyone appreciates having your clothes tossed on us like that.

Eden: Speak for yourself. I'm a voyeur. I keep wondering if I should just toss aside all inhibitions, strip off my clothes, and join them.

Cain: Indulge that thought. By all means.

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