Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so we turn things over to the cat, for her unique world view.

7:23 AM. Awake at home. Slept exceedingly well. Had dreams of a really big scratching post.

7:26 AM. The staff is coming downstairs. Well, there you are, staff. Are you aware I’ve been awake a whole three minutes and have been waiting on breakfast? Now then, how about some salmon on a nicely chilled plate, with a bowl of milk on the side? And maybe a dish of water just to dip my paws in? Oh, and a cloth napkin would suit me quite nicely.

7:29 AM. Hmmm, the staff instead gives me a bowl of tuna and a bowl of field rations. The tuna is acceptable, but you didn’t pre-chill the tableware in advance. And where’s my milk?

7:31 AM. Helping myself to some of the tuna while the staff gets to her own breakfast. I will ignore the field rations. 

7:37 AM. The television is on in the living room. The staff is paying attention to the weather. Rain for this area expected. The forecaster is a dimwit, as is expected. I wonder if any rain will actually come of it, or if they’re wrong, like they usually are ninety five percent of the time. 

7:39 AM. I have decided to remain inside today. After all, the prospect of being stuck outside- especially with the staff being gone all day at that work place- is not a pleasing one if it happens to turn out that the twit of a forecaster was right for once.

7:41 AM. The staff is off. Well, enjoy your day, staff. By the way, bring some ice cream home, would you? I have a hankering for some ice cream, and I know for a fact that we don’t have any in the freezer.

7:43 AM. Watching the staff pull out of the driveway. Okay, hours to spend by myself, there’s the whole problem of rain coming, and I have nothing to do. Should I get online and order a new cat bed? Not that I need the bed, but I want the box.

7:48 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring outside at the vastness of my domain. I can hear the distant barking of that irritating mutt. Hopefully the rain starts while he’s still out and he gets soaked. It’ll serve him right.

8:10 AM. Distant rumbles. A glance outside. The cloud deck is starting to really build.

8:14 AM. Dark clouds. Rain starting to fall. Oh yes, staying inside today was a very wise decision on my part.

8:17 AM. Lightning flashing. Thunder rolling. Rain turned into a downpour. Twitching my tail. Fortunately thunder doesn’t bother me. I wonder if it bothers that irritating mutt? Note to self: make inquiries with that dog’s human. Of course, that would require a visit to the annoying hound’s home, and the risk that he’d end up slobbering all over me.

8:29 AM. Well, it doesn’t look like that rain’s going to give up anytime soon. I think a nap is in order.

12:03 PM. Waking up. Taking stock of my situation. Hours to go before the staff returns home. Sounds of heavy rain outside. Thunder in the distance. 

12:05 PM. Stepping into the kitchen. Finding the bowl of field rations. Despite my better judgment, I start eating some of them.

12:27 PM. Watching some of the local noon news. Worried looking forecaster is prattling on about three days of rain. Yes, well, whatever, what inquiring cats want to know is... what effect will that have on the growth of catnip crops?

1:39 PM. Giving my claws a workout on the scratching post. My claws are unleashing residual scents of catnip on the rug. Despite whatever self control I might have, I find myself feeling the catnip craze coming on in five, four, three...

2:02 PM. Coming down off a catnip craze. Have been attacking the scratching post with full fury, running about all over the house, and howling like a banshee. Catnip crazes always leave me feeling tuckered out. I think a nap is just what the kitty called for right about now.

4:53 PM. Waking up from my nap. Looking outside. Still raining. Checking the clock. Feeling refreshed. Wondering if I should squeeze in another nap before the staff comes home. Let’s see, she’s probably home in a half hour, maybe a bit more if she stopped for ice cream, so... probably not. 

5:32 PM. The staff arrives at home. I walk up as she steps inside and deliver a head bonk to the leg. Hello there, staff. I see you didn’t need a boat to get home, which is a good thing. Tell me, did you bring any ice cream home with you?

5:36 PM. Ah ha! The staff is putting a container of French vanilla in the freezer. Very good, staff, very good.

6:04 PM. Supervising the staff while she’s making dinner. Smells good. My particularly sensitive nose detects the welcome smell of bacon.

6:35 PM. Dinner with the staff. Bacon pancakes for both of us, though inexplicably, she’s having salad too. I don’t know why.

6:51 PM. And to top things off, a bit of ice cream. Very good staff. I know, I ‘m not allowed to have too much of this, but I’ll say this: ice cream should be considered a national treasure.

11:36 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, have a good night, but do keep the door open. I mean, it’s still raining out there, and in case the thunder gets too scary in the middle of the night, you might need me around to make you feel safe, right? Of course right.

Monday, June 27, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Once more, the time has come for the dog and cat's point of view. As always, we begin with the dog.

7:22 AM. Awake at home. Strange dreams. Chewed on the thawing bones of a mammoth.

7:25 AM. Looking out the window. Sun and clouds up in the sky. It looks like a good day to get out there and go for a run and search for mud puddles and chase squirrels. Emphasis on the chasing squirrels. 

7:31 AM. The human comes downstairs. Well, hello there, human! It looks like a fine day. Say, what do you think about getting around to breakfast? I’d help myself, but, well... I don’t have the opposable thumbs to open pantry doors on the one hand, and on the other, even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have the self control to stop eating kibbles.

7:35 AM. Wolfing down my breakfast. Yum yum yum!

7:39 AM. Out the door for my morning constitutional.

7:47 AM. Running through the back fields, barking at the birds as I go. Sure, you feathery know it all critters might be able to fly up there in the air, but unlike you, I can wag my tail!

7:52 AM. I stop in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hello, Spike! 

7:54 AM. Spike and I compare notes on possible movements of the enemy. We suspect the squirrels might be consolidating their forces and gathering together their nuts to lay siege to the humans and unleash their nefarious plans for world domination. Clearly this must be stopped.

7:58 AM. I relate to Spike about my dream of mammoth bones. It’s too bad that we don’t have any of those around these days. Can you imagine chewing on bones so big you might never finish? Makes you think the humans should take us into museums, just so we can chew on a dinosaur bone. It’s not like that’s going to bother anyone, right? Well, except for the curators, but they are a silly lot.

8:02 AM. Parting ways with Spike. Hmmm, those clouds are looking ominous...

8:14 AM. Thunder rumbling. Rain starting to fall. On the one hand, hey, that’s great, that’ll mean mud puddles in the not so distant future. On the other hand, that means I’m going to get a bit wet before I get home. 

8:17 AM. Okay, now it’s coming down like a deluge. I’ll be thoroughly drenched by the time I get home.

8:21 AM. Barking at the back door. Human! Let me in!

8:22 AM. The human opens the back door. I rush right past her. 

8:24 AM. The human is busy applying the Towel of Torment to my soaked fur. Come on, human, I can dry off naturally, you know. And don’t give me any of that wet dog smell nonsense. Compared to some of that crap the cosmetic industry puts out, it’s a pleasant odour.

8:28 AM. The human is finished with the Towel of Torment. Not one second too soon, if you ask me, and of course you are asking me. Human? Where’d that rain come from, anyway? One minute I was talking with Spike at his place, and the next, downpour city.

8:36 AM. Looking outside. Still raining. Wouldn’t want to be stuck out there all day today, let me tell you. I wonder if fate will smile on me and cause the drowning of that despicable mailman before he can get here.

9:21 AM. Rather than continue to look out the window at the endless rain, I think I’m due for a good nap. Sure, I’ve only been awake a couple of hours, but hey... being out in the rain can be tiring, can’t it?

12:35 PM. Waking up. Sounds from the kitchen! I didn’t miss lunch, did I? I mean, how can I pass up a chance to mooch some nice tasty food?

12:36 PM. The human is doing dishes. She looks at me and tells me I’m too late for lunch mooching. Did I say I was going to mooch? I might have thought it, but that’s a completely different thing, you know. Oh well, I’ll have to make up for it later.

1:35 PM. Barking at the mailman as he turns up at the mailbox. You’re lucky you’re in that car, mailman, and that I’m in my house! If it wasn’t raining right now, I’d be out there giving you a piece of my mind! Foul monster!

2:58 PM. Have mooched a cookie from the human while she’s having tea. Oh, boy! Butterscotch!

5:41 PM. Supervising the human while she’s making dinner. Whatever it is, it smells good.

6:29 PM. Pot roast! Happily chewing on some chunks the human cut for me. Human? You’re a doll.

8:35 PM. Basking in post pot roast full tummy happiness.

11:38 PM. The human is off to bed. I’m lying on my back looking up at the ceiling, listening to the rain outside. Human? Will we be needing to build an ark or anything like that? Because my lack of opposable thumbs makes me not so handy with a hammer.