Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
M Is For Murder, Part One
A Murder On Sesame Street
Tragedy has struck in the realm of childrens' programming, after a stunning discovery on this quiet suburban street. Beloved muppet character Elmo was found dead in his bed, murdered by an unknown assailant. Children today across the land are mourning the loss of their cherished Elmo, while their parents are trying to comfort them and explain the meaning of "massive internal injuries".
The discovery was made by muppet character Prairie Dawn, who was sent to find Elmo after he failed to show up on set for filming his sequences of the beloved children's show. He was lying on the floor of his apartment, reportedly dead for several hours, the victim of a brutal beating, dying of severe internal injuries, according to police statements.
"It wasn't pretty," Officer Ted told reporters. "I'm not used to this sort of thing, you know. I just deal with jaywalkers and nice meaningful life lessons for little kids. I've never been part of a murder investigation!" He appeared deeply shaken by the crime scene. "Oh, sure, there was that time last year when Cookie Monster broke into the bakery, and Oscar the Grouch usually makes a nuisance of himself, but murder? What's it coming to when someone like Elmo is killed here?"
Perennial residents and repair shop owners Luis and Maria Rodriguez expressed their shock at the developments when speaking to reporters. "This has never happened on Sesame Street," Luis told this reporter gravely. "This is a bigger even shock then Mr. Hooper's death. And that was bad enough. But if someone like Elmo can be killed on our street, we could be next!"
Music teacher Bob Johnson agreed. "It's just such a tragedy. Elmo was such a stage hog... I mean, such a presence."
Teacher Gordon Robinson nodded. "Yes, Elmo really did have a habit of upstaging everyone. Don't tell anyone I said that. We shouldn't speak ill of the dead. At least not before the wake."
Big Bird, the eight foot tall yellow naive muppet seemed downcast. "You know, the little guy seemed to have taken over the show, and sure, muppets like me and Oscar and the Count and Mr. Snuffy and Grover seemed to be put to the sidelines a lot. But that doesn't mean he deserved this!"
Resident grouch Oscar disagreed. "Look, not to speak ill of the ****ing dead, but that twit Elmo was annoying. With that ****ing falsetto voice, that laugh, and all the attention going his way? We all ****ing hated him."
This reporter expressed his surprise at Oscar's language. "What do you expect? I'm a ****ing grouch! Besides, the camera's not on me, so I can swear all I like!"
Long time muppet couple Bert and Ernie were dismayed by the turn of events. "I'm really shocked," Ernie told this reporter. "Who would do this to Elmo?"
"Who wouldn't?" Bert countered. "You know, Elmo made a lot of enemies. A lot of people resent him for taking over the show and setting other characters like us aside. A lot more find those Tickle Me Elmo dolls really annoying. Personally speaking? He's the one who outed Ernie and I to People magazine last year. We were perfectly happy living in the closet, and that little red menace outed us."
"Um, Bert, you might not want to make self-incriminating statements to the media," Ernie suggested. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm taking a bath, with my rubber ducky."
Vampire Count von Count came down from his castle to comment on the case. Speaking in a strange Eastern European accent, the vampire shook his head. "You know, I spent time counting how many times Elmo would laugh. One laugh, two laughs, three laughs! He would go on and on. Then I would count his fan mail. One thousand letters, one thousand one letters, one thousand two letters..."
This reporter couldn't resist asking a question. "Is it true you have no appetite for blood, and if true, does that mean you're not really a vampire, Count?"
The vampire shook his head. "No, it's not true. I do like the taste of blood, but I have to be very careful. The producers let me feed off of transients, but I can't be caught doing so. The publicity would kill the show. By the way, don't write that in your article. Now then, if you'll excuse me, someone dropped some marbles over there. I am compelled to count them."
"Wait," this reporter said. "How about you as a suspect? If you're a blood sucking muppet, why not also be a murdering muppet?"
"Nice try, Mr. Fancy Pants reporter," the Count answered. "But I was at a family reunion of vampires all weekend in Romania. AH AH AH AH! There was one vampire, that's one count. Two vampires, that's two counts. Three vampires, that's three counts..."
Officer Ted, knowing he's out of his depth, has appealed for help. Legendary lawman Lars Ulrich, newly returned to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police after a stint with the Ontario Provincial Police, has answered the call. Fresh off a continuing search for a killer moose, Ulrich arrived at Sesame Street this morning to take charge. He spoke to reporters. "No stone will be unturned. No lead unpursued. We will find the murderer and bring him to justice. Any questions?"
"Yes!" This was from a journalist assigned to Entertainment Tonight. "Lars, where do you find the time to investigate murders and still go out on tour with Metallica?"
Ulrich looked dismayed as he rolled his eyes. "Damn it, I am not that Lars Ulrich!"
Who killed Elmo??? Was it... Bert and Ernie?
Was it...Oscar The Grouch? Was it... Big Bird? Was it the Cookie Monster? Was it the ghost of Mr. Hooper? Or was it the millions of parents who are sick and tired of hearing Tickle Me Elmo?