Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

As promised, it's the cat's turn again today. And check out our joint blog, where we have a cat's point of view blog, and this feline tends to be somewhat voyeuristic by nature. Obviously not to be read with prudish eyes about!

And now, on with today's mischief....

8:25 AM. Awakened by hunger. Feeling peckish. Off in search of the staff. The fact that she's not awake yet means that she has the day off. This is a good thing. It means I have her all to myself, and she can wait on me hand and foot.

8:30 AM. Found staff still asleep in bed. Have stepped up onto her to wake her up. She's obviously deep in sleep... will have to use my claws in rhythm and draw her back into wakefulness.

8:31 AM. Staff grumbles and complains about waking up too early. Well, staff, this is what you do to me anytime you go off to that work place, so turnabout is fair play. Now, I want breakfast. Sooner rather than later, and it had better not be field rations again.

8:55 AM. Staff finally downstairs, and starts on breakfast. Initial hopes at not seeing her go for the field rations turns to confusion. She's not feeding me at all. Staff, this is unacceptable. I demand breakfast!

9:20 PM. Still puzzled by lack of breakfast. Staff does not reply to my numerous inquiries.

9: 30 AM. Staff picks me up and cuddles with me. For some reason, despite my concerns about the lack of breakfast, I find myself purring. Perhaps I'm just indulging her behaviour, but there had better be a really good meal coming out of this.

9:35 AM. I am betrayed! Staff puts me into that obnoxious cat carrier crate. This can't be good. No good comes out of being confined in one of these things...

9:37 AM. Staff doesn't listen to my repeated demands to be released.

Planning revenge....

9:40 AM. Staff picks up the carrier and I, and heads for the door. Initial expectations at escape are unlikely. Cannot dig my way out through the wall of the carrier, and even if I did, I don't have a poster of Raquel Welch to hide the progress of my work....

9:55 AM. In car. Staff listening to poor choice in music as she drives. I mean, honestly... what else can you call it when she likes music about guys who lost their wives, houses, pick up trucks, and even their dog? That's bad music!

10:10 AM. Getting really tired of hearing Garth Brooks warble on about riding a horse or losing the woman in his life, or whatever the hell his latest song is about. Thinking of destroying Garth Brooks' hat.

10:30 AM. The staff stops the car. I protest loudly, demanding to be released. She steps out, retrieves me and the carrier from the back seat, and I find myself outside of a house in the countryside. It seems strangely familiar, and it feels unpleasant. When I have my revenge, it will be absolute. Just so you know.

10:31 AM. Into the building. There are other cats in carriers, similarly confined by their own staff, who are all waiting. I can detect the scent of dog, and I hear barking in the background. There's a receptionist speaking with my staff. Oh, not this place.

How could you have brought me to the vet, staff? How dare you!

10:55 AM. Remembering that time I was here. Doctor Carter, as the staff calls her, or Doctor Vile Fiend, as I think of her, had me fixed, so to speak. My life has never been the same again.

Thinking of clawing Doctor Vile Fiend when I see her.

11:05 AM. Watching a human taking a silly looking and oddly familiar hound out. The hound looks somewhat dazed. That's typical of dogs. I hear the voice of the enemy. Oh, she sounds pleasant, sure, but wait until she starts taking out the needles.

11:25 AM. Finally escorted into a room with my staff by the receptionist. Feels sterile and antiseptic in here. Staff will not release me from the carrier prison. Staff, you will pay. Oh, will you pay...


11:40 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend opens the door and comes in. She exchanges pleasantries with my staff. To my paranoid, angry as hell mindset, it sounds more like they're conspiring against me.

11:41 AM. Staff finally opens the carrier. Doctor Vile Fiend draws me out. Looking around for an escape route. All doors closed. Curses!

11:44 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend chatters away as she pokes and prods and checks. She and my staff talk about all sorts of personal things, both about me and about themselves, as if they're old friends catching up. Traitor! Staff, how could you do this to me?

11:45 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend checks my teeth. Tempted to bite her, but for all I know, I might catch a disease from doing that....

11:55 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend asks the staff to hold me down on the examining table.

Oh, no. I think I know what's coming...

11:56 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend has just injected me with what she calls my shots. That hurts, Vile Fiend!

12:05 PM. I'll be revenged! On the whole pack of you!

12:10 PM. Doctor Vile Fiend is finally finished working me over, or as she calls it, my checkup. I managed to scratch her once, but she's a tricky one to take down. I swear, woman, if it's the last thing I do, I will have you brought up on charges of treason and war crimes. For you, Vile Fiend, are the enemy, and you must be treated as such. No mercy! None at all!

12:15 PM. Doctor Vile Fiend and the staff say their goodbyes after once again confining me in the carrier prison. They sound so amicable. Staff, you have pulled a Benedict Arnold on me. For this, I will ignore you for the next six weeks once we get home.

12:20 PM. Back in car after leaving building. Saw other cats in carriers as we were leaving. Tried to warn them about Doctor Vile Fiend. Not sure if they heard me.

1:00 PM. Back home at last. Staff lets me out of carrier prison. Finally. Glare at her in annoyance. Get used to it, staff. You take me to the vet, and you'll get hostility in return.


1:10 PM. Smell the scent of tuna.

1:12 PM. Found the source of my interest. Staff has put down a plate of tuna and a dish of milk for me. Trying to buy her way back into my good graces, is she? Well, it's not going to work.

1:13 PM. Couldn't resist any longer. Started chowing down on tuna. Yummy. Don't show too much pleasure in it, though, not in front of the staff. I'm still mad at her.

2:45 PM. Staff asks in that sing song voice, "Is Miss Bonkers still mad at me?"

Well, of course I am. And don't call me Miss Bonkers. To you, I'm Your Majesty, Supreme Protector of the Realm, Tormentor of Dogs, Slayer of Mice, and Ultimate Majestrix. Now don't you forget it.

4:55 PM. Wake up from nap. Feeling peckish.

5:55 PM. The staff is making something utterly delicious. I detect the distinct smell of delicious roast beef. I do my usual stroll around her legs thing, despite my annoyance with her over the vet. She indulges me by setting some meat on a plate for me. Oh, it's good. The staff likes to cook meat with nutmeg, sauce, and other things. I can put up with all that extra stuff.

I still think she's spoiling me not because she's obliged to, but out of compensation over the vet visit.

7:25 PM. Sleeping contentedly. You know, I think there was some wine cooked into that meat. I'm feeling slightly daft.

9:00 PM. Staff cuddles with me again. Not sure if I can ever trust her again, not after she did the same thing this morning and took me to the vet straight after.

Then she hits that spot right at my neck, and I can't help it... I start purring.

9:30 PM. Staff apologizes for taking me to see Doctor Vile Fiend today, but claims it's important for my health to get regular checkups. Promises it will be a long while before I have to go again.

It had better be, staff. Otherwise I shall be most unamused.

11:45 PM. Staff turns off television and takes me upstairs. Still feeling dismayed by staff's disrespect in taking me to see Doctor Vile Fiend.

Tomorrow, staff, we will have to have a full discussion on your appalling use of deceit to get me into that carrier prison. Never again, do you understand me, staff? Otherwise I'll just have to interview other humans to be my staff.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

7:35 AM. Wake up time. Off in search of human.

7:37 AM. Have found human still asleep in bed. Must wake up human. Pad up to bedside and lick her face. Human grumbles and growls. Human does that a lot first thing in the morning....

7:50 AM. Human comes downstairs and lets me out for my morning run. Off I go, in pursuit of adventure and rabbits. And those annoying little squirrels. I hate squirrels.

9:10 AM. Back home at last. Have been running around the farm like a maniac, sprinting as if my life depended on it. Is anything else that much fun?

9:15 AM. Breakfast missing. This is curious. Human, where is my breakfast?

9:17 AM. Human hooks leash to my collar. But I just came in from a run. What about breakfast?

9:22 AM. Human takes me out to car, saying we're going for a drive. Well, okay, I mean, I love drives, but I'm still confused about the whole missing my breakfast thing. Human? Human? Hey, could you answer my question?

10:05 AM. Human pulls into parking lot of strangely familiar house in countryside. Wondering where I've seen this place before. Human takes me out by leash, bringing me towards front door.

10:06 AM. In front door. Oh no! Now I remember! The slightly antiseptic smell! The brightly lit reception area! The overly friendly receptionist! The cats sitting with their humans, in those silly carry box things!

She brought me to the vet!

10:25 AM. Receptionist calls us in to see Doctor Carter, or as I call her, Doctor Torture. I don't care how friendly she passes herself off as, anyone who injects whatever that stuff is into me whenever I come here operates under cruel and unusual treatment procedures. Human, how could you do this to me? Don't give me that whole regular checkup line. I hate the vet! Every animal hates the vet! I bet if the vet has a dog of her own at home, that dog hates her too!

10:35 AM. Doctor Torture comes into examining room. I detect the slight smell of cat hair on her. Conspiring with the enemy. Another strike against her! Doctor Torture and my human make small talk and chatter away, as if my dislike of vets means nothing.

10:45 AM. Feel sharp prick in my hind quarters. Why do I need shots? Human, you do realize I'm going to have to chew slippers for this outrageous turn of events?

11:00 AM. Doctor Torture is finally finished with me. She and my human chat amicably, and suggest they meet up for lunch next week. Just as long as Doctor Torture doesn't think of coming to our home. I won't stand for it!

1:10 PM. Home at last. Feeling ravenously hungry. Human feeds me a big lunch. Still annoyed with human, but that will pass. Feeling sleepy. Note to self: be wary next time human wants to go for a drive.

5:55 PM. Back inside after long afternoon sleeping outside. Wondering if Doctor Torture put a sedative in with that shot. Evil, evil vet. There should be a law outlawing them.

6:25 PM. Human gives me supper. Apologizes for taking me to vet, but says it has to happen every once in awhile. Wondering about which slipper to chew as payback.

10:45 PM. Human finds remains of slipper in rec room. Human looks at me with dismay. Well, if you didn't take me to the vet, we wouldn't be having this discussion, would we?

Human tells me she's sleeping alone tonight.

Okay, I'll stay down here. Good night.

Gives me a chance to find the other slipper while I'm at it.....