Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
H Is For Hell
A dark, dark place. A cold wind blows, carrying with it the howls of the damned, and the faint sound of polka music. A muppet stands shivering in a dim pool of light, terrified, glancing around at the darkness. It is Elmo. Elmo: Hello? Is anyone there? Where is Elmo? What is this place? Elmo is scared!
There is the sound of footsteps, off in the distance. A man finally steps into view, a man wearing a black suit, tie, and dress shirt. He has his hair slicked back, and a devious look about him. And he happens to look a lot like Al Pacino. He glares down at Elmo. Elmo: Al Pacino? Is that really you?
Elmo: But Elmo doesn't belong in Hell! Elmo is good! Elmo is alive! Satan: No, you're dead. You got trampled by that Mr. Snuffy character. You died.
Elmo: That's wrong! Elmo should be in Heaven!
Satan: Not a chance, you ineffectual red menace. You sold your soul to me, remember?
Elmo: Elmo didn't sell his soul to you! Satan: Oh yes you did...
Satan morphs shape, becoming Kermit the Frog. Elmo stares at him, shocked. Elmo: Kermit the Frog is the Devil????
Satan: No, you putrid bit of naval lint! I just took his form. Remember that day, Elmo? The day I offered you the chance to take over Sesame Street, at the cost of your own soul?
Elmo: But Elmo thought it was Kermit! Elmo didn't know it was serious!
Satan shifts form, returning to his Al Pacino form. He smiles wickedly. Satan: You sign a contract with me, Elmo, and I take it very seriously. I am the owner and possessor of your soul, which means you belong to me, forever. Which means an eternity of torment and horrors for you, Elmo! Do you understand that?
Elmo: Elmo is scared!!! Satan: Awww, boo hoo. That makes me feel so sad that I might just have to relent.
Elmo: Really? You'll let Elmo go?
Satan: Of course I won't, dummy!!
Elmo: Oh. Oh, well. Elmo had to try.
Satan: Now then, let's see, where to put you. Something suitable. Something fitting you....
Satan starts looking through a small notebook. Elmo: Um, can Elmo ask a question or two?
Satan: Ask away, you ragged red furball.
Elmo: Why do you look like Al Pacino?
Satan: Because he played me in a movie. It was either him, Gabriel Byrne, or Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Elmo: Oh, Elmo sees. And what's that music?
Satan: It's polka music. I find it leaves the many souls lost in my domains in a suitably tormented mood for all of eternity. Get used to it, rat bag. You're here forever.
Elmo: Why are you so mean? Satan: I'm the Devil. That's why.
Elmo: And there's really no way out of Hell for Elmo?
Satan: No, no appeals. I've got all the lawyers, you see. Ah! Here it is! I've got the perfect torment for you. We'll start you off with 10 000 years of rolling Howdy Doody's head up Mount Diabolicus. He's long before your time, Elmo. You should see the contract he signed to get famous...
Elmo: Who's Howdy Doody? And What's Mount Diabolicus?
Satan grabs Elmo by the throat, hauling him away. Satan: You'll find out, you filthy little red bastard. Elmo: No!! Nooooooo!!! Noooooo!!!!! Satan: Quit your whining, you little brat, and take your eternal punishment like a muppet!