Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, September 27, 2010

Sweden's Most Wanted: Rufus The Moose

It seems I just can't get away from the moose theme.

The other night on the Tonight Show, a Headlines sequence featured a headline indicating that a moose was suspect in a homicide after a man was cleared. Some searching into the matter found that it wasn't just a weird headline, but it actually happened. Here are the details:

Moose suspect after man clear in wife's murder
Published: Sunday, November 29, 2009
STOCKHOLM (AP) - Swedish police say they've cleared a man who was arrested for allegedly murdering his wife after deciding the culprit was most likely a moose.
Police spokesman Ulf Karlsson says "the improbable has become probable" in the puzzling death last year of 63-year-old Agneta Westlund. She was found dead after an evening stroll in the forest.
According to news reports, the victim's husband, Ingemar Westlund, was jailed for 10 days. The case against him was dropped in January.
Karlsson declined to give details of the case Saturday, saying a news conference would be held Tuesday.
The tabloid Expressen says hairs and saliva from a moose were found on the victim's clothes. Police would not immediately confirm that.

So of course I'd have to do my own spin on it (me being me), and bring in an old friend in the process. If we can call our characters a friend, that is. Without further ado...

Police Inspector Called In For Pursuit Of Rogue Moose

Stockholm (AP) - Swedish police have called in an Ontario Provincial Police inspector for what continues to be a baffling murder case.

A moose is suspected in the death of a local woman last year in these parts. The woman's husband was briefly detained and cleared in the case, but the search for the moose in question has gone on.

Now legendary lawman Lars Ulrich is on the scene, fresh off an unresolved hunt for the culprit in a ritual killing. Ulrich faced a number of reporters at a press conference, all drawn to Sweden because of the odd nature of the case. After an introduction, Ulrich gave a statement.

"We believe the suspect in question answers to the name Rufus. He's a moose from the Wyoming region, brought in as an outside contractor, or hit moose, by a local organization. He's known to Interpol. It seems he has an overly fond appreciation for bison statues. I won't go into details, but let's just say a little girl was sobbing as she asked her parents why the moose was doing that to their statue."

Ulrich looked stern as he paused. "This moose is to be considered armed and dangerous. Don't ask me to go into details about how an animal with hooves is to be considered armed. He's also to be considered sick. Sick, sick, sick. I promise you this: I'm going to find him. If I have to chase him to the ends of the earth, I'll find him. Are there any questions?"

One colleague from Reuters asked, "Yes, Inspector! How can an animal with hooves..."

"I thought I just told you not to ask me that," Ulrich said sharply.

Another reporter, from Access Hollywood, spoke next. "Lars! Two questions our viewers are desperate to know! What do you think about Lindsay Lohan going to jail, and is it true that you've had a falling out with the rest of Metallica?"

Ulrich frowned at the man, glaring as if he wanted to kill him. "Damn it, are you really that stupid? I am not that Lars Ulrich!"

"Does that mean you don't care less about Lindsay Lohan?" the reporter asked, apparently too dumb to see trouble coming.

Ulrich responded to the question by asking the other reporters, "Do you people object to getting rid of utter stupidity in your own ranks?"

The only one to speak was the Access Hollywood reporter. "Does that mean you're still on good terms with the rest of the band?"

Ulrich stepped off the podium, charged through the crowd of reporters, and in front of full sight of all, began hammering the reporter with a series of punches and kicks. In the view of this correspondant, the little twit had it coming.


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