The Canadian Law Firm Scammer

They are a plague, in some respects worse than the Ebola virus. They never give up. They know not what else to do with their lives. They spend hours infesting our emails and our posts with random crap, hoping for some attention at best and for our banking passwords at really best. They are the vile lot we call homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, that horde otherwise known as the internet scammer and spammer. The following recently turned up in my email.

Goodday,

I’m Clever Wilson, a partner at the law firm Clever & Young  LLP  based in Canada.

I hope this message finds you well. I’m reaching out regarding a matter involving unclaimed assets associated with a former client of our firm.

The matter involves an unclaimed life insurance policy with a balance of $ 9,850,000.00 USD. The policyholder, our late client Mr. Robert, was involved in real estate and mineral trading.

He passed away approximately five years ago, and despite thorough efforts, no direct family members or beneficiaries have been identified to claim the policy.
 
My intention is for a portion of the funds to be directed toward charitable causes, with the remaining balance to be equitably distributed between us.

 All required documentation is available to support and facilitate the process in a secure and professional manner. Once your confirmation is received, I will provide the relevant materials needed to proceed. 

Please note that this process may take approximately 21 business days and will be handled with the utmost confidentiality.

I would appreciate your prompt response to this matter  

Thanks & best regards,

Clever & Young  LLP

Toronto, Canada

So they're claiming to be Canadian this time. I should be offended. And yet of course when they get down to it and mention the amount of money involved, they use American dollars. They use the name of a law firm that doesn't actually exist, passing off the usual story about a dead client who left behind a fortune in a life insurance policy. A client without heirs. And they suggest breaking that money up, with some money going to charitable causes and the rest being broken up between themselves and, well.... me.

Oh, sure. I believe that.

What kind of lawyer, after all, will give away money, let alone a portion to charity? There's a reason people hate lawyers (well, many reasons), and we wouldn't put it past them to steal the whole lot. If this scenario was real, which it is not. Because there is no such law firm, and no dead client, and the only money involved is that 'administrative fee' that some poor sucker will pay out, believing this crap. And whoever this is, they're not Canadians. No, they're at the far end of a line of emails probably leading to eastern Europe or Africa, hoping you're dumb enough to buy this.

Listen, mate, to bring things full circle. I mentioned in my opening about you being a plague, and compared you to Ebola. It is in that spirit that I say this. In an ideal world, you should come down with this nasty little fellow.

The Pain Of A Deluded Fandom

NHL Gears Up For Hockey Playoffs; One Team's Fans Ask What They Are Being Punished For

Toronto (CP) The Stanley Cup playoffs are starting in a few days. Some teams have clinched their spots. Others are still fighting for a wild card spot. And others have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, much to the chagrin of their fandom. Nowhere is this more true than in Toronto, where the Maple Leafs are finishing off what turned out to be an awful year, out of the playoffs and feeling disappointed.

The general manager has already been fired. More firings are expected, along with more trades from the team during the off season. Pundits are predicting another ten year rebuild, expected to go nowhere like all the others. The Leafs last won the Cup in 1967, and true as clockwork, whether it's in the regular season or early on in the playoffs, they keep breaking the hearts of their fans, Leafs Nation, with disturbing regularity.

Blame is being thrown around in the bars of Leafs Nation. They point to players who have been traded off to other teams, and are finding some measure of success. They look to conspiracy theories about why things keep going wrong for their team. They are somewhere in the five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance- with most of them in the first two stages. Bartenders are busy with their springtime routine of consoling the masses while doing a brisk business of selling alcohol.

It is part of a tried and true pattern. When the season starts, Leafs fans are in a buoyant mood, claiming that this year is going to be the year, the same as they do for every year for nearly sixty years now. And then at some point, things go horribly wrong. It might be during the season, or it might be in the playoffs, when their team crushes their hopes by self-destructing on the ice. Psychologists have explained the phenomena as a hopeless and incurable delusion passed down through generations.

Some break the cycle. "I was a Leafs fan growing up," Bob Parson told this reporter. "My dad was too. But all those years, feeling heartbreak and sorrow and despair..." He shook his head. "Five years ago, my wife gave birth to our first child. And that made the decision for me. We decided enough is enough, and that our kids shouldn't be raised in an environment where their hearts get stomped on every year and nothing ever changes. So the wife and I burned our Leafs memorabilia and jerseys and stopped getting season tickets. It was hard. But with time, you realize how much you gave of yourself to this team, and that you got nothing back."

Other fans will never learn. This reporter ran into one of Leafs Nation's most ardent fans at a downtown bar. He was still in the denial stage. "It just isn't ****ing right, y'know? They're our boys! And the Cup belongs here, now and ****ing forever! But this keeps happenin'! And it keeps hurtin' and hurtin' and hurtin' some more! Me and Harry and Jack, we're the biggest fans ever of this ****in' team, believe me! And we keep gettin' screwed over!"

The fan sighed, shook his head, and continued. "Yeah, it hurts. But you know, that's what booze is for. To numb the pain and make it all feel better. And Leafs Nation... we're gonna get through this. We're gonna keep with our boys, because we bleed Maple Leaf blue forever. And sure, it's gonna be a long hard summer, and it'll be even harder if Montreal or Edmonton win the Cup. But we'll get past it. Because sooner or later, trust me... that Cup is comin' home!!!! And it's gonna be a party the likes of which no one has ever seen!!"

After the fan had gone off to join his friends and drown their sorrows some more, this reporter spoke with his bartender, who said, "He's taking it really hard. Depending on how drunk he gets, he might say Gary Bettman is making the refs screw the team over. Other times he's going on about how the team just doesn't want to win games. He'll be on this roller coaster into July, if you ask me."

Hockey pundits have also been asking how the team might fare in the off-season with draft picks. "They didn't finish at the bottom of the basement," Hockey Now writer Cal Thornton told this reporter. "And there's that bad habit of the team to squander draft picks in favour of a guy who's on the downslope of his career. Have I mentioned that's a bad habit? It's been suggested that the last part of the season, they were tanking just to get themselves in a good position for the draft. And they couldn't even get that right. Go figure."

For now, the pain is fresh. The tears are real. The broken hearts in Leafs Nation feel the weight of the world. Perhaps time will mend the wounds. Perhaps some will wake up and end their fandom. Perhaps the performance of the Blue Jays in baseball might give Toronto fans something to root for. As the summer goes along, the bad memories will fade for Leafs Nation, no doubt, as it does each year. And come October, the cycle will start all over again, with Leafs Nation claiming that this will be their year. All while their team gets ready to screw it up all over again.

A Chocolate Hoarding Bunny

It is the Easter weekend. I have an image blog for the occasion. Enjoy!

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the perspective of the cat, who must always have the last word in these matters.

7:07 AM. Waking up. Big stretch. Dreamed of vast fields of catnip.

7:09 AM. An inspection of the exterior from the back of the couch. Some flying lunches out and about in the grass. Snow continuing to melt. 

7:14 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs and see to my breakfast. Come on, staff, I don't have all day.

7:20 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. Where have you been? I've been awake for a whole thirteen minutes and haven't been fed yet.

7:21 AM. Issuing explicit instructions to the staff concerning my breakfast. Let us make things clear, staff, I am not interested in field rations, are we understood on that?

7:22 AM. ....and while we're at it, staff, would it kill you to wake up a half hour earlier and put my plate into the fridge? I've explained to you many times before how pre-chilled plates create an optimal dining experience.

7:23 AM. The staff puts down a bowl of milk and a plate of chicken, both of which meet with my approval. However, she also puts down a bowl of field rations.

I sigh. The things I put up with....

7:25 AM. Have finished the milk and chicken. I have also ignored the field rations.

I shall let the staff have her breakfast in peace.

7:32 AM. Sitting on the windowsill, contemplating the intricacies of existence.

7:40 AM. The staff is on her way out the door. Staff? Remember to pick up some milk. We're nearly out.

7:43 AM. Watching the staff take the car out the driveway. I shall have to find other ways to amuse myself today.

7:48 AM. Somewhere in the distance, that idiot mutt is barking his head off.

8:03 AM. The Weather Network is talking about how strange a month we've been having. No kidding. When is spring going to make up its mind?

8:04 AM. The forecaster says there's going to be another twenty centimeters of snow for the area. 

Okay, that's it, I'm out.

11:28 AM. Waking up from a nap. I feel hungry.

11:29 AM. Disappointed to have remembered that the only food out in the open right now is field rations.

Oh well, we must make do....

1:30 PM. A look at the clock as I hear the dog barking down the road.

Stupid hound. It's only the mailman.

4:37 PM. Woken up out of another nap by a car door closing. Is that the staff?

4:39 PM. The staff comes in the front door. I deliver a head bonk to her legs.

4:42 PM. Supervising the staff while she unpacks groceries. Hey, is that catnip I see?

6:21 PM. Watching the staff working on dinner. Looks like meatballs are part of the equation tonight. Along with Brussel sprouts for some reason.

Just as long as I'm not expected to eat the sprouts.

6:48 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's cut up a couple of meatballs into nice bite sized chunks for me. This meets with my approval.

11:28 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Behave yourself and keep the door open. I have zoomies scheduled for 2:30.