The Nature Of Olympian Gods According To The Wild Kingdom, Part Three

The slopes of Olympus. Marlin Perkins, Lorne Greene, David Suzuki, and Steve Irwin are all standing with Zeus (king of the Olympians, just in case you didn't know). Hera stands with them, tapping her toe in annoyance at her husband. Pan keeps playing his pipes. Several cameramen are recording everything for posterity. And Jim Fowler is swaying on his feet, bruised and battered.
"You know, Zeus, I thought we had an exclusive for our show to do a special from Olympus."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Marlin, but all of these guys called in a marker."

"Aren't you dead, Mr. Perkins?"

"Me, Mr. Suzuki?"

"Yes, you."

"Well, that's an interesting question. While we're at it, Mr. Suzuki, why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

"Nonsense. I'm wearing glasses."

"And nothing else."

"Of course not, Mr. Greene. Walking around naked is something I do from time to time. Everyone should try it. And aren't you dead too?"

"Why do people keep asking me that? I was on Bonanza, you know, and Battlestar Galactica before it was a Star Wars rip off and before the whole cast started cursing in strange ways and taking off their clothes for no reason. And my show's Starbuck was a guy!"

"Crikey! I'd say the old boy is a little cranky, mate!"

"Do these mortals ever speak in a way that sounds sensical?"

"Rarely, wife."

"I'm still pissed at you, husband."

"What's the problem with the sheila, mate?"

"I'm not a sheila, mortal. And aren't you dead?"

"Who, me? Nonsense, mate! Though it would explain why I've felt like I'm in a dream for the last four years."

"Oh, you're dead, Mr. Irwin. I believe I'm the only naturalist here who's still alive, in fact. I'm not sure about Mr. Fowler there, though. Don't you remember the stingray that finished you off?"

"Stingray, Mr. Suzuki? I tackled a stingray once, by crikey! It was a big critter!"

"Again, husband, why did you invite these people to Olympus?"

"Hera, it's a really long story, you must know..."

"Yes, your dalliances with mortal wenches usually do start off with really long stories. Which reminds me, I'm still pissed at you for your latest carnal wanderings."

"By crikey, big guy! You're in a bit of a pickle this time, aren't ya?"

"Sleep with the occasional attractive person that catches your eye and turns you on, and your immortal wife never lets you live it down."

"That's because it never stops with you, husband."

"Oh, would someone call for a doctor? Or an ambulance? I've busted some ribs."

"That's nice, Jim. We'll get to that shortly, but first, while the rest of us are back here watching, why don't you go over there and tackle that Chimera monster at the far end of the meadow?"

All of the cameras pan that way. The chimera glares at them, all three heads, one a goat, one a fire breathing lion, and one a snake.

"We never had a beast that looked that good when I was doing Battlestar Galactica. The special effects have gotten better."

"That's not a special effect, Mr. Greene. That's a real animal."

"Really, Zeus?"

"Really."

"Oh. Oh, I see. Well, in that case, I have a question. Why do you abuse your sidekick, Mr. Perkins?"

"Yes, I agree. Why do you do that?"

"Mr. Suzuki, Mr. Greene, it's to be expected. Now, Jim, why don't you go over there and show that Chimera who's boss?"

"I can't, Marlin. Everything hurts. My head is spinning...."

The Crocodile Hunter breaks out into a sprint, racing towards the Chimera, jumping on his back, tackling the beast, pinning him to the ground.
"That's not the way mighty Bellorophon bested the first Chimera."

"Stop stalling, husband. Come clean about your latest dalliance with a mortal."

"What latest dalliance? I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, wife."

"Zeus, it might just be the opinion of an old actor, but playing stupid with your wife might not be the best course of action."

"I agree with Mr. Greene. In fact, if you're looking for good advice, go no further then talking to your Mutual of Omaha agent for the right plan just for you."

"When did you become a sellout to the corporations, Marlin?"

"Sellout, Mr. Suzuki? I have no idea what you're talking about."

The Crocodile Hunter has the Chimera pinned and at his mercy, and is belting out the words to Waltzing Matilda. Jim Fowler collapses back to the ground. Pan comes up to the group, carefully inspecting the fallen Jim.
"This might just be my opinion, but I think this man is dead."

"Nonsense, Pan! He still has an arm wrestling bout with Hercules to do. Come on, Jim, get up. Stop faking. Get up, Jim. Jim? Jim? Hey, Jim!!! The Mutual of Omaha depends on you fighting with animals, Jim! It's not like they actually have any profits! Do you really want to disappoint them? Jim? Jim? Oh darn. The Mutual of Omaha is going to have my head on a pike for this..."

The Nature Of Olympian Gods According To The Wild Kingdom, Part Two

Marlin Perkins and Zeus stand together in the Olympian meadows, with the cameraman nearby, while high overhead, Jim Fowler hangs on for dear life as the Pegasus horse flies above, in a bucking bronco state of mind. Jim is heard in the distance, screaming blue murder.

"You know, Marlin, I'm quite impressed. He hasn't thrown up yet. That's very rare for a mortal riding a Pegasus."

"Isn't the name of the horse Pegasus, or is the myth wrong about that?"

"Yes and no."

"What kind of answer is that?"

"The kind when I don't want to answer, Marlin."

In the distance, a woman comes down the hill from the Olympian palace. She looks seriously irritated, and as beautiful as she is mad. She's storming right towards Zeus, ready to tear his head off.

"Oh no."

"What is it?"

"My wife Hera. And my sister. It's really complicated. Yes, she's my sister and my wife, and we do sleep together, when I'm not busy sleeping with whatever attractive soul crosses my path. By the way, is Halle Berry available?"

"Husband! You cheating dog!"

"I think she''s mad at you, Zeus."

"Hmm, you think so?"

"Look, just do me a favour. Say I was with you, wherever you were. Give me an alibi, Marlin. I could really use one. In return, if you have any enemies you want dead, just tell me, and I'll have them rubbed out."

"Rubbed out? First of all, isn't that a bit of an odd phrase for an Olympian god to use?"

"I watch a lot of film noir."

"And second... you can do that? Because I've got this... no! I can't have someone killed, can I?"

Hera finally reaches the duo, just as Jim falls among them, tossed away by the Pegasus as it flies by low to the ground. Jim groans and grumbles. 

"All right, you snake of a husband, right now you and I have the mother of all arguments to begin."

"Ah, snakes, it reminds me of that time when Jim tackled the boa constrictor in Brazil. Happy memories, huh Jim?"

"I just want to die... right here and right now. I'm in so much pain."

"Oh, that's our Jim, quite a kidder, he is."

"Who are these people, husband?"

"I'm Marlin Perkins. And this is Wild Kingdom."

"Hera dear, Marlin and I were handing out food packages at the orphanage, weren't we, Marlin? I swear, I wasn't up to any shenanigans with any mortals, nymphs, centaurs, or Chimeras. I promise."

"You'd have carnal relations with a Chimera?"

"Not now, Marlin."

"Yes, Marlin, he would."

"I'll take your word for it, Lady Hera."

Hera still looks mad, glaring at Zeus, who's trying and failing miserably at looking innocent. Jim struggles up to his feet.

"Somebody just put me out of my misery."

"Jim, we'll take care of that real soon, but first you still have to say hello to that Medusa."

"Go to hell, Marlin. You hear me? Go to hell."

A white haired man comes out of the nearby woods, followed by a cameraman. He looks oddly familiar. 

"Good evening, and welcome to Olympus. I'm your host, Lorne Greene, and this is New Wilderness."

"Zeus, what is my competition doing here? I thought we had an exclusive on access to Olympus?"

"Yes, well, you see, Marlin, to make a long story short, I owed him a favour. Lorne Greene once gave me an alibi when I slept with Liz Taylor fifty years ago. Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that with my wife right here, should I?"

A Japanese man with curly white hair and a goatee appears, followed by a cameraman. He's speaking to the cameraman, looking oddly intellectual. And for some reason, the only item of clothing he's wearing are eyeglasses. Otherwise, he's naked.

"This is David Suzuki, in the realm of Olympus, and this is The Nature of Things."

"Oh, and I owe a favour to the CBC, so they sent a Canadian here too."

"Zeus, how many favours do you owe to people?"

"Lots, Marlin, lots."

One more man appears from out of the woods, a man wearing khaki shorts and matching tan shirt, followed by a cameraman. He looks around the clearing, seeing a Cerberus dog running about. Jim sees it too, and seems fearful.

"Crikey! G'day! This is Steve Irwin, coming to y'all today from Olympus, and that's a three headed dog! I think I want to go tackle that big fella! Just like I tackle crocs!"

Marlin shakes his head.

"Okay, this is getting just a little silly."

The Nature Of Olympian Gods According To The Wild Kingdom, Part One

Marlin Perkins and Jim Fowler appear on screen, a cameraman following them. Marlin looks like his usual self. Jim is battered, bruised, and aches all over after the last few days. They're in a meadow, but it's not a usual kind of meadow. Beyond, a palace stands atop a hill, something with a Greek influence. And in the meadow itself? Centaurs, a Pegasus horse, a few satyrs, and what appears to be the god Pan, playing on Pan pipes.
"Hello! I'm Marlin Perkins, and this is my good friend Jim Fowler. Welcome to The Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Tonight we've crossed dimensional realms to the land of Olympus, home of the Greek pantheon of gods and goddesses. This might not play well in the Bible Belt, but it turns out that the gods of old were in fact real, and still happen to be causing trouble and bickering among themselves even today. You'll see some astonishing things tonight. Jim here had a tussle with a Hydra, and the footage we shot will astonish you."

"My skin still burns. Do you have any idea what Hydra blood does, Marlin?"

"Later, Jim. We'll take off the bandages and show the audience."

"If my wife is watching, call the lawyer. I want out of my contract to this show yesterday, honey. I don't want to do this anymore."

"Oh, that's our Jim. What a kidder. We're also planning on featuring Jim facing off with a Medusa while we're at it."

"A Medusa? Those things turn people into stone!"

"Well, yes, they do, but that Pan fellow over there assures me that the Olympians have a cure."

A man approaches, seeming to glow, tall, dark haired and bearded, in what appears to be a Greek robe.
"Hello, Jim and Marlin. I'm Zeus."

"The king of the Greek Gods! This is indeed an honour. Isn't it, Jim?"

"Your friend seems dazed."

"Yes, he got hit in the head by a centaur's hoof a few minutes ago."

"Wait... are you really Zeus?"

"Yes, Jim, I am."

"Would you mind hitting Marlin with a lightning bolt?"

Zeus and Marlin start to laugh.
"Oh, that's a good one, Jim. Anyway, welcome to Olympus. It's very good timing that you've come. I just had to duck away from Hera for a few minutes. She's a little angry that I wandered off to Earth and had my way with those three flight attendants in the staff lounge at Heathrow."

"Three flight attendants?"

"Yes, Marlin, three flight attendants. Marcie and Tiffany and Rick."

"Wait... Rick?"
"Yes, Marlin. Come on, if you've read your Greek mythology, you'd know I'd screw anything on two legs. And anything on four legs, from time to time."

The Pegasus starts to gallop towards them.
"Wow! What an opportunity, Jim. We're just going to stand here while you go over there and try to ride the flying horse, okay?"

"Go **** yourself, Marlin!"

"Jim, that's not very nice to say."

"You know, even as an Olympian god, I don't think it's possible to **** myself."

The Pegasus knocks Jim aside, and Jim gets caught in the saddle. The horse takes off into the sky, taking Jim with him.
"I hope the horse brings him back. He's due to take on Cerberus while we're here, and then have an arm wrestling duel with Hercules."

The Lion, The Witch, And The Wild Kingdom

Marlin Perkins and Jim Fowler appear on screen, near what appears to be a castle. Jim looks bruised and battered. His arm is in a sling, and his leg is in a brace. He seems to be dazed.

"Good evening, and welcome to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I'm Marlin Perkins, and this is my good friend Jim Fowler. Say hello to everyone watching, Jim."

"I need some pain killers."

"Oh, that's our Jim, always kidding around."

"I'm serious. I'm in so much pain. I need something. Anything. Preferably something strong. Morphine."

"Last time out, Jim got into a bit of a fight with the Rancor monster on the planet Tatooine, in the palaces of Jabba the Hutt, as you'll recall..."

"Just some tylenol if you can't manage prescription meds. I think I've got busted ribs."

"Yes, Jim, we'll get right on that. Tonight we're in the magical kingdom of Narnia. We came here through a wardrobe in an English castle, and we've already chatted with a creature that looks like a satyr of myth. He asked if we were sons of Adam. He's brought us here, to the castle which was once ruled by the Kings and Queens of Narnia in the golden age of this land. In fact, there he is over there, having what appears to be carnal relations with a goat. We won't show you that, because this is a family show. Speaking of which, you really should protect your family with Mutual of Omaha insurance."

"I can feel the broken rib digging into my lungs, Marlin."

"This whole kingdom is filled with talking animals, like bears, badgers, beavers, mice, fox, and wolves, all of whom speak English for some reason that I can't recall right now. Isn't that wonderful? It's also filled with creatures of myth, like minotaurs and centaurs. And it's ruled over by a talking lion, who, we're told, is a metaphor for Jesus Christ. He's on his way here as we speak."

"You're not going to make me wrestle the Jesus metaphor lion, are you, Marlin?"

"We'll see, Jim, we'll see."

The lion appears at the top of the hill. He's big, bigger then any lion they've seen before, and he looks majestic. He starts to descend towards them.
"Oh, my! That's the biggest lion I've ever seen. Bigger then that lion you wrestled with in Tanzania back in 1975, Jim. Remember that one?"

"How could I forget? He bit my arm!"

"And you were a real trooper, weren't you?"

"Greetings, sons of Adam. I am Aslan."

"Wow, you sound almost Irish. Doesn't he sound Irish, Jim?"

"Don't make me fight him."

"On my mother's side, I am Irish."

"Tell me, Aslan, would you mind if Jim fights with you, just to show the folks back home what a Jesus metaphor lion looks like in action?"

"Oh, don't do that, Marlin, I'm so sore and hurt and in pain..."

"I would have to refuse, Marlin, Son of Adam. I only do battle with true evil, like the White Witch, or the Talmarine generals, or Glenn Beck. However, he can do battle with that minotaur over there if he'd like."

A very large minotaur approaches. He looks really tough. And he seems to like the idea of fighting a Son of Adam. Jim looks like he might faint.
"Splendid, Aslan! That's just perfect! All right, we're going to stand here with Aslan while Jim goes over there and tackles the minotaur..."

"Go to hell, Marlin! You hear me? I said go to..."

The minotaur grabs Jim and tosses him into the air.
"You've got him right where you want him, Jim!"

"Helllllllllllll!!!!!!"

"I think he's outmatched, Marlin, Son of Adam."

Your Wild Kingdom Mind Tricks Won't Work On Me, Marlin Perkins

Marlin Perkins and Jim Fowler appear on screen, in a dimly lit place, with strange creatures walking about. Fowler looks something the worse for wear, with bandages visible on some of his skin, and his khaki clothes appearing tattered. He also has a cast on his right arm.
"Good evening, and hello from a place long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I'm Marlin Perkins and this is my good friend Jim Fowler. Welcome to the Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Tonight we're going to show you the strange new wildlife and species of this galaxy, where we've been spending the last few days thanks to the assistance of the Mutual of Omaha's hyperwarp drive program. If you've been wondering why your premiums have tended to be high lately, well, those hyperwarp drives don't come cheap, you know, but they do allow us to travel across the stars. Jim, how are you feeling tonight?"

"Still a little dizzy, Marlin. And I still have first degree burns from that encounter with the balrog."

"Yes, but wasn't it fun getting into a tussle with that big fellow?"

"Fun isn't the word I would use for it, Marlin."

"Well, moving on, we've been exploring this galaxy for a few days. It's a wonderous place, with a wealth of different species seemingly everywhere. Tonight you'll see a species of small green people with large ears who tend to speak in inverted order. And we've encountered ewoks and jawas, tauntauns and banthas, and wookies and Tusken raiders, also called Sandpeople. Jim had a bit of a run in with one of them yesterday."

"Yes, he hit me with that staff of his. It really hurt. If my family is watching, please call my lawyer. I don't want to do this show anymore."

"Oh, Jim, you and your sense of humour. We're here on the planet Tatooine, a desert world on the outer rim of the galaxy, a hot and inhospitable place. We've come at the invitation of a local entrepeneur, if you will, and you have to see him to believe him."

The camera pans across a large dim room, filled with creatures far and wide, odd looking to say the least. At the far end of the room, a large tan-yellow slug like creature reclines on a huge platform. It has arms, disinterested eyes, and a really, really big body. A little creature sits at its side. Various slave girls of various humanoid species dance before it, scantily clad, chained up, the creature clutching the end of the chains.

"This is Jabba the Hutt."

"Marlin, I just want to go home. I'm still dizzy from the concussion. And I think my arm has an infection."

"Later, Jim. Let's go say hello to Jabba. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you'll see these small devices in our ears. They're called Universal Translators. It comes in handy when you're talking to the Hutts, who, as it is, do not speak English, and tend to destroy translator droids on a regular basis. Jabba has one in his ear, as you might see. We'll be able to understand him, and he'll understand us. For you at home, we'll put in the subtitles during editing."

Marlin and Jim approach Jabba, who seems to nod, and laughs in a deep, jovial, guttural way.

"Hello, Jabba."

"Hello, Marlin, hello, Jim. Ho ho ho ho ho ho."

"Jabba, you've been called a gangster."

"Oh, that's nonsense. Gangster is such a harsh word, Marlin. I provide goods and services under the table for my clientele. Sometimes it's gambling. Sometimes it's a protection racket. Sometimes it's prostitution. Sometimes it's slave labour. Sometimes it's narcotics. Have you tried the Corellian Narcodust by the way?"

"Yes, Jim and I both did, and we had some very interesting hallucinations, by the way."

"Good. As I was saying, I don't think of myself as a gangster. I'm just a businessman doing his best to get by in a fairly repressive empire. Oh, sure, from time to time I have to bribe Imperial officials, and from time to time I have to remind everyone who's boss. Look over there."

The camera pans to a far wall, where a block hangs on a wall. A man seems suspended in some dark material, frozen in time.

"That's a smuggler by the name of Solo, who once screwed me over on a smuggling shipment. He's frozen in carbonite. Makes a nice wall decoration, doesn't he? I'm sure this won't come back to haunt me. It's not like he has any Jedi friends or anything that'll come after him, right?"

"I'm sure he won't, right, Jim?"

"My burns still hurt, Marlin."

A low rumble fills the chamber, seemingly from below.

"Oh my. What was that sound, Jabba?"

"Oh, that's the Rancor monster. We use him to amuse ourselves. Last time we dropped an annoying Gungan named Jar Jar Binks down into the pit. The poor fool didn't last ten seconds."

The camera pans down into a grate in the floor, where a large beast, vaguely reptilian, stalks far below in a dark, dank pit.

"Wow! That's fascinating! Jim, how about you go down there and say hello to the Rancor monster?"

"No, Marlin. I'm not going down in there."

"We're going to wait up here while Jim heads in there and shows the Rancor monster what he's capable of."

"No. Absolutely not. Go to hell, Marlin."

Wild Kingdom Comes To Middle Earth

The screen lights up, and two men are standing side by side in a cavern.
"Good evening. I'm Marlin Perkins, and this is my good friend Jim Fowler. Welcome to Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. You'll have to excuse Jim if he's not all that talkative. We've been having quite a time lately. Tonight we're showing you a place you haven't seen before. Jim and I have been spending the last few days in a place called Middle Earth. Jim, why don't you tell us how you got that black eye?"

"Marlin, I got into a fight with something called an Mordor Orc. I think he busted my arm."

"Yes, he was a really ugly sort of beastie. For those of you at home, an Orc is a human-like creature, thought to be twisted and tortured from their original form as elves by the dark powers of Middle Earth long ago. They're distinguished from the similar goblins, who tend to be smaller, and usually exclusively cave dwellers, and not at all like trolls, which are much larger."

"I'm serious. It feels like the bone is swimming around in my arm..."

"We'll have someone look at that really soon, Jim. We also have astonishing footage to show you of creatures called Fell Beasts, which resemble dragons of myth, and of giant creatures that look rather like elephants. And if that's not enough, you'll also see tree-like beings who speak and walk around, referring to themselves as Ents. First though, if you look around us, we're in the dwarf mines of Moria. Long ago, these caves were carved out by the dwarves, who were seeking an astonishing mineral thought to exist deep within these mountains."

"I think I've got a concussion too, Marlin."

"Yes, I'm sure you do, Jim. Just don't stray too close to the edges as we walk along. That's a long way to fall. Now, if the cameraman will show everyone at home just how vast this mine is..."

The camera shows the great black empty space, the high pillars and vast chambers as Perkins and Fowler walk along. Or to be more exact, as Perkins walks along and Fowler hobbles along.

"What was it about dwarves that made them hollow out great cities in the deeps of mountains? Jim, do you have any ideas?"

"My eyes are getting blurry, Marlin."

"Splendid! At least you can still see."

There's a low rumble somewhere close. Off in the distance, an orange light seems to glow from another chamber.
"Um, Marlin, I want to go home."

"Wait! Just wait. It could be a balrog of Moria. A demon of the ancient world."

The rumble grows louder. The glow from the distant chamber intensifies.

"According to our information, a balrog is a tall human-like creature that wraps itself in fire and shadow, and have been known to create weapons out of fire. They're also known to be rather temperamental. Jim, are you looking forward to seeing a balrog?"

"Marlin, I don't think it's a good idea to stay here. I think we should leave."

"Not yet, Jim. Just wait. It sounds like the balrog is coming this way."

"Yes, that's why we should leave. That, and the internal bleeding I think I have."

The creature strides into the chamber. It's enormous, a horned demon, completely black, fire travelling over its body, seemingly not affecting it. It sees the small group of men at the far end, and a whip forms out of one hand, a whip of pure flame. It picks up pace, roaring, heading right towards them. Jim starts running away as fast as his injured legs can take him.

"We'll wait right here while Jim goes and tackles the balrog with his bare hands and teaches... Jim? Jim? Hey, you're supposed to tackle the balrog! Not run away!"




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