Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Nature Of Olympian Gods According To The Wild Kingdom, Part Two
Marlin Perkins and Zeus stand together in the Olympian meadows, with the cameraman nearby, while high overhead, Jim Fowler hangs on for dear life as the Pegasus horse flies above, in a bucking bronco state of mind. Jim is heard in the distance, screaming blue murder.
"You know, Marlin, I'm quite impressed. He hasn't thrown up yet. That's very rare for a mortal riding a Pegasus."
"Isn't the name of the horse Pegasus, or is the myth wrong about that?"
"Yes and no."
"What kind of answer is that?"
"The kind when I don't want to answer, Marlin."
In the distance, a woman comes down the hill from the Olympian palace. She looks seriously irritated, and as beautiful as she is mad. She's storming right towards Zeus, ready to tear his head off.
"What is it?"
"My wife Hera. And my sister. It's really complicated. Yes, she's my sister and my wife, and we do sleep together, when I'm not busy sleeping with whatever attractive soul crosses my path. By the way, is Halle Berry available?"
"Husband! You cheating dog!"
"I think she''s mad at you, Zeus."
"Hmm, you think so?"
"Look, just do me a favour. Say I was with you, wherever you were. Give me an alibi, Marlin. I could really use one. In return, if you have any enemies you want dead, just tell me, and I'll have them rubbed out."
"Rubbed out? First of all, isn't that a bit of an odd phrase for an Olympian god to use?"
"I watch a lot of film noir."
"And second... you can do that? Because I've got this... no! I can't have someone killed, can I?"
Hera finally reaches the duo, just as Jim falls among them, tossed away by the Pegasus as it flies by low to the ground. Jim groans and grumbles.
"All right, you snake of a husband, right now you and I have the mother of all arguments to begin."
"Ah, snakes, it reminds me of that time when Jim tackled the boa constrictor in Brazil. Happy memories, huh Jim?"
"I just want to die... right here and right now. I'm in so much pain."
"Oh, that's our Jim, quite a kidder, he is."
"Who are these people, husband?"
"I'm Marlin Perkins. And this is Wild Kingdom."
"Hera dear, Marlin and I were handing out food packages at the orphanage, weren't we, Marlin? I swear, I wasn't up to any shenanigans with any mortals, nymphs, centaurs, or Chimeras. I promise."
"You'd have carnal relations with a Chimera?"
"Not now, Marlin."
"Yes, Marlin, he would."
"I'll take your word for it, Lady Hera."
Hera still looks mad, glaring at Zeus, who's trying and failing miserably at looking innocent. Jim struggles up to his feet.
"Somebody just put me out of my misery."
"Jim, we'll take care of that real soon, but first you still have to say hello to that Medusa."
"Go to hell, Marlin. You hear me? Go to hell."
A white haired man comes out of the nearby woods, followed by a cameraman. He looks oddly familiar.
"Good evening, and welcome to Olympus. I'm your host, Lorne Greene, and this is New Wilderness."
"Zeus, what is my competition doing here? I thought we had an exclusive on access to Olympus?"
"Yes, well, you see, Marlin, to make a long story short, I owed him a favour. Lorne Greene once gave me an alibi when I slept with Liz Taylor fifty years ago. Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that with my wife right here, should I?"
A Japanese man with curly white hair and a goatee appears, followed by a cameraman. He's speaking to the cameraman, looking oddly intellectual. And for some reason, the only item of clothing he's wearing are eyeglasses. Otherwise, he's naked.
"This is David Suzuki, in the realm of Olympus, and this is The Nature of Things."
"Oh, and I owe a favour to the CBC, so they sent a Canadian here too."
"Zeus, how many favours do you owe to people?"
"Lots, Marlin, lots."
One more man appears from out of the woods, a man wearing khaki shorts and matching tan shirt, followed by a cameraman. He looks around the clearing, seeing a Cerberus dog running about. Jim sees it too, and seems fearful.
"Crikey! G'day! This is Steve Irwin, coming to y'all today from Olympus, and that's a three headed dog! I think I want to go tackle that big fella! Just like I tackle crocs!"