Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A Night In The Life Of A Cat

Today I am concluding this set of cat and dog blogs with the point of view of our resident feline, but before I get into it, for another animal point of view, have a look at Norma's blog, where she is writing today about one of the pets she has had, her potbellied pig Iggy.

6:22 PM. Very well, then. It appears that the staff has decided to desert me for the evening. Apparently in her deluded mind, attending social functions such as weddings are more important than catering to the every whim of her rightful mistress. By which, of course, I mean myself.

I shall have to devise a means to show my displeasure at that choice.

6:45 PM. Starting thorough patrol of house. Must determine if there is any trace of a yarn ball. The urge to unwind the yarn ball cannot be resisted, after all. It's in our nature.

7:10 PM. No trace of yarn balls. More's the pity. Will have to amuse myself in other ways.

7:35 PM. Have logged onto the staff's computer in the study. She really needs to change her password. SCARY SPICE is so ten years ago. And it shows an appallingly bad taste in music.

Unfortunately I don't know the staff's credit card numbers. If I did, I'd have a shipment of tuna dispatched to my location post haste.

7:45 PM. Why do they call this thing a mouse? It doesn't smell like a mouse. It doesn't move on its own. It doesn't squeak when you pounce on it. It's just a piece of plastic and wires.

I can't even play with it before eating it.

8:10 PM. I really should stop playing Tetris. Those falling lines and blocks are starting to make my head spin.

8:15 PM. Have found cat porn on obscure site. Who films cats mating and then posts it on the internet?

8:25 PM. She's faking it.

8:52 PM. Is it just me, or is it getting really hot in here?

I think I'd better stop watching this. It could become a habit.

8:55 PM. Have settled down in living room. Turning on television. Documentary on cats on Discovery. Kittens attacking scratching post, as all cats are prone to do. Dismayed to realize it's almost over. Not quite the same as watching cat porn, obviously.

9:01 PM. Changed channels to HBO. Large cage set up in dark warehouse place. Announcer mentions something about Thunderdome, and introduces two fighters. Doctor Phil and Anderson Cooper.

Oh, come on. Those guys can't fight. If you want to entertain me, put two dogs into that cage.

Oh, wait. That's illegal.

9:04 PM. Cooper protests that this wasn't in his contract, as he gets tossed into the cage. Doctor Phil looks like he has a berzerker rage going on.

9:06 PM. Anderson Cooper tries gouging out Doctor Phil's eyes. Doctor Phil manages to get free and clobbers Cooper with a lead pipe.

Oh, come now, if they're going to revert back to the gladiator pits of Rome, at least make it someone who deserves to be in there. Like the Jersey Shore cast. Those people are pretty useless.

9:18 PM. Doctor Phil picks up chainsaw. Oh, this can't end well.

9:20 PM. Well, what do you know? Just like a chicken, a CNN anchor runs around for a few seconds after his head has been cut off.

9:35 PM. Have inadvertantly switched over to FOX. Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter are talking about how they would have lasted a lot longer than Anderson Cooper against Doctor Phil.

Must turn off FOX. Even for humans, those people are nutty.

10:35 PM. The staff has exactly twenty five minutes to walk back in the front door. Otherwise I shall be displeased.

11:02 PM. I am displeased.

11:05 PM. Watching news. Nothing at all of interest to the concerns of cats everywhere. All economy, crime, and anti-Thunderdome legislation. No word on the supply of catnip and milk.

11:30 PM. Still no sign of the staff. Wondering if she's off getting lucky. This will not do. I must personally approve of any matings she undertakes.

12:10 AM. Over an hour late. She and I will have words...

12:55 AM. I have no idea where you are at present, staff, but you have heard of getting home on time, right?

2:15 AM. Finally. The car turns into the driveway. The staff gets home.

Merely over three hours later than I told her to get home....

2:17 AM. Staff walks in through front door. Must stare at her in my most disapproving way.

2:20 AM. Staff goes on and on about how lovely a wedding it was. Meanwhile, I spend my time discreetly sniffing at her. Must know for certain if she has been copulating.

Especially with someone who likes dogs. That would be entirely unacceptable.

2:30 AM. Staff heads upstairs for bed. Following her up. Can pick up no trace of scent of other person on her. Must impress upon her the need to respect my curfews in the future.

Maybe in the morning. I'm getting rather sleepy myself. I haven't had a nap in over ten hours, after all...

Monday, November 26, 2012

A Night In The Life Of A Dog

6:26 PM. Hop onto couch. Look out window. Where is human? Human? Come back, human!

6:27 PM. Spotting car pulling out of garage. Human turns on driveway and heads down to road.

What about my mooching opportunities?


6:30 PM. Must acknowledge possibility that human is not merely going to the general store for goodies.

Not dressed the way she was.

What was that she said? A wedding?

What is a wedding anyway?

6:45 PM. Have removed dictionary from shelf in living room. Must find definition for wedding. Rather difficult to do when you have to turn pages with your snout.

7:10 PM. Ah, here we are. Wedding, noun. The act or ceremony of marrying, marriage, or nuptials.

Just as long as the human isn't surprising me by being part of the equation and getting married herself. Haven't seen her dating anyone in awhile, so I doubt it.

I wonder if I should leave the book open like this, just so she wonders whether or not I know how to read English.

7:25 PM. Staring out front window. No sign of human. Where is she? How long does a wedding take?

7:35 PM. Still no sign of human. Not sure when I last asked myself where she was. I might be able to read  English, but my short attention span balances that out.

8:10 PM. Have gone down into basement in search of something to do. House feels awfully quiet without human inside.

8:15 PM. A discovery! Have found a tennis ball lying around a corner. Perfectly unchewed by yours truly.

I think dissecting the tennis ball is in order. Since my paws don't do a good job of holding a surgical knife, I'll have to use my teeth.

8:21 PM. The tennis ball has been shredded to pieces. The operation is a glorious success.

Faint taste of tennis ball on my breath.

8:35 PM. Back in living room. Have turned on television. Unfortunately it's Cat Week on Discovery.

Why are humans so fascinated by cats anyway? They're not all that cute.

8:45 PM. Watching more footage of cats. All I can figure is that it must have something to do with that purring thing they do. It must hypnotize the humans.

Come on, surely the wag of a dog's tail is much more appealing than a purr!

8:55 PM. Kittens on screen attacking scratching post. They seem demented.

9:00 PM. Changing channel to HBO. Had enough of kittens looking adorable and manipulating humans to their will.

9:10 PM. Anderson Cooper is fighting Doctor Phil in the Thunderdome.

9:20 PM. Doctor Phil just decapitated Anderson Cooper. Guess there won't be any more special reports from hurricanes for him...

This, inevitably, was where twenty four hour news channels and daytime talk shows were going to lead to...

9:25 PM. Doctor Phil ranting incoherently, spattered in Anderson Cooper's blood, dragged out of Thunderdome. Says something about Oprah and Geraldo being next.

What's a Geraldo?

9:55 PM. Turn to CNN, which is airing an Anderson In Memoriam Special. Wolf Blitzer is trying to hide his gleeful smile of opportunity now that his rival is out of the way in favour of crocodile tears. Okay, that's quite enough of this for one evening.

10:15 PM. Staring out window. No sign of human. Come on, human. How long does it take you to come home from... where did she go again?

Oh, yes. A wedding.

Come on, is it a marathon?

10:39 PM. My eyes have caught movement in yard. Small animal crossing. Must bark at it. It could be that squirrel.

Devious little bastard...

10:40 PM. No, it's bigger than a squirrel. It's black... and has a white stri... oh, crap. It's a skunk.

I've run into those before.

Now that I remember.

Mostly the repeated baths in tomato juice to get the stench out of my fur. 

10:42 PM. Is that skunk rolling her eyes at me? What, are you trying to tease me? Just move along, and don't even think about spraying around the property!

12:35 AM. Still no sign of the human. Will continue to stay on station at front window until she gets home.

1:55 AM. Finally! Spotting car pulling into driveway. It's the human!!!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!

1:57 AM. Human opens door. Run around in circles wagging my tail. Human pats me on head. You're home! You're home!!! Did you bring me anything, human? Did you?

2:05 AM. Human says she's tuckered out for night. Asks if I've had nap. Of course not, human, I was waiting up for you. I wasn't sure if you'd ever get back.

Human stops in living room. Stares at dictionary lying open on floor. Looks back at me. I'm not sure if she knows what to think. She heads upstairs to get ready for bed.

At least she didn't go down into the basement and find the remains of that tennis ball...