Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, August 30, 2021

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And once more we have the perspective of Her Divine Majesty, Empress Of All She Surveys. Otherwise known as the cat.

7:05 AM. Waking up. Taking a big stretch. Yawning. Contemplating when to take my next nap.

7:08 AM. An examination of the front yard is undertaken from the back of the couch. Flying lunches out on the grass. If only there wasn't glass between us right now...

7:12 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs. After all, I must have breakfast, and I'd really rather not be dealing with field rations right about now.

7:21 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs and says good morning. It's about time, staff. Are you aware I've been awake a whole sixteen minutes and haven't had breakfast yet?

7:22 AM. ...and another thing, staff, honestly, would it kill you to not take out the field rations? I've lost count of how many times I've expressed to you my disdain for field rations. Milk and some meat is perfectly suitable for me in the mornings, and while it would be ideal to have you pre-chill the plate before putting meat on it, we can't always get what we want, right? My point is, no field rations.

7:24 AM. The staff puts down a bowl of milk and a plate of tuna. She also sets down a bowl of field rations. I sigh, and help myself to the milk and tuna.

7:26 AM. Departing from the kitchen after finishing my breakfast and making a point of completely ignoring the field rations.

7:34 AM. Sitting on the back of the living room couch, overlooking the yard. Somewhere off in the distance that idiot hound from down the road is barking like a maniac. Emphasis on idiot.

7:45 AM. The staff is on her way out the door. I bid her good day and recommend she stop in at the grocery store before coming home. We're getting short on catnip.

7:47 AM. Watching the staff depart in her car. Well, my car, since this is my house, and she's my staff... but I really don't make much use of that car.

Anyway, what to do with the day. Oh, yes. A nap would do me nicely.

10:03 AM. Watching the Weather Network. The meteorologist is saying how she swears, pinkie swears, that this is the last hot spell of the summer. It had better be, lady, or you and I will have words.

11:17 AM. Feeling a bit hungry after my second nap of the morning. What's in the kitchen that makes suitable eating?

11:19 AM. Discouraged by the presence of field rations in my bowl. Well, that's what I get for ignoring it earlier.

11:21 AM. Despite my reservations, I help myself to some of the field rations.

1:38 PM. Waking up from another nap. It'll be hours before the staff gets here. 

1:53 PM. My explorations have found something of interest in the upstairs hall closet. A ball of yarn. How can I resist that?

2:09 PM. Totally tuckered out after undoing the ball of yarn all over the place. A nap is in order.

4:24 PM. Waking up from my nap. Looking around. Oh, yes. I undid that yarn. Now how on earth did I manage to get it strung up around the chandelier like that?

4:31 PM. A full inspection of the yarn has been made. Well, let's just say the staff is going to have some fun getting all of this yarn undone when she comes home. But that's part of the point of doing it in the first place.

5:28 PM. The staff comes in the front door and starts seeing all of the yarn scattered all over the place. I am sitting here looking quite proud of myself. Yes, staff. I did this.

5:55 PM. The staff has finished gathering up all of the yarn, which can't possibly be wound back up into a ball now. You know, staff, if you hadn't left that door ajar, this wouldn't have happened. The point I'm trying to make here is that this is all on you.

6:28 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's cut up some beef for me and served it on a plate. I don't know why she insists on having tomatoes along with her meat, but then again, human beings are very strange animals.

7:02 PM. Supervising the staff while she does the dishes. I'd help, staff, really, I would, but you know what I think of sinks full of water.

7:31 PM. The staff is watching that game show she likes. This just hasn't been the same since that guy died. He was as smooth as a cat.

8:54 PM. Lying on the couch in the living room, contemplating the great mysteries of existence. Is there philosophical meaning in a hairball?

11:38 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff. Good night. But as always, keep the door open. I reserve all rights to sit and stare at you at three in the morning until you wake up startled, after all.

Monday, August 23, 2021

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

I decided that I'd do another set of these before moving onto other things; I do have a whole lot of them in drafts, after all. Anyway, to start things off, here we have the point of view of the dog, who gets so easily distracted and can't be depended on to just wait his turn.

7:03 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of chasing the mailman until he fell off a cliff. That rates as a good dream.

7:06 AM. A look out the window. Clear conditions today. So much the better. A few of the maple trees starting to turn colour. They always start first. 

7:10 AM. Waiting on the human to come downstairs. After all, breakfast must be seen to, and I lack the opposable thumbs to open cabinets.

7:17 AM. The human comes downstairs. I start furiously thumping my tail against the floor. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it?

7:19 AM. Watching the human pouring me a big bowl of kibbles.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.....

7:20 AM. The human sets down the bowl. I bolt forward to start my breakfast.

7:21 AM. Licking my chops after breakfast. Got within two seconds of my all time fastest time of finishing breakfast. Today's a good day.

7:24 AM. Making inquiries with the human as to if she'll let me out for a run. 

7:26 AM. Out the door and already on the run. See you later, human!

7:41 AM. Running through the back fields like a maniac, as happy as I can be. Life is good.

7:48 AM. Trotting through the woods, sniffing at things. Stopping in my tracks when I see a porcupine ahead on the path. Okay, stay calm. Just don't panic. We've been here before, after all, and I don't feel like getting those quills embedded in my snout. Again.

7:49 AM. Doing my best to communicate to the porcupine that I mean no offense and don't want to make any trouble. Backing up nice and slow before he gets cranky...

7:53 AM. I have successfully managed not to annoy the porcupine and am on my way home. That's enough excitement for one day. The last thing I need is a trip to the vet and that vile fiend laughing as she pulls quills out of my snout.

8:09 AM. Returning home. Barking to let the human know I'm back. Human! Let me in.

8:14 AM. The human has let me back in. I wag my tail in appreciation.

10:30 AM. The human is having a cup of coffee. I manage to mooch an oatmeal cookie.

12:15 PM. The human's having her lunch. I use the patented sad eyes look to convince her to give me a ham and cheese sandwich.

1:35 PM. Barking my head off as the mailman drops some mail in the mailbox and drives away. Get lost, you monster! Don't ever come back here again!

3:02 PM. The human has herself some tea. I convince her to give me another of those oatmeal cookies.

4:28 PM. Out on the back porch, watching birds pecking around in the grass. You wonder what birds think when they see a dog. They seem to fly away anytime I approach, and I don't mean them any harm.

I only mean harm to that rotten squirrel, the mailman, the vet, and the town mayor.

5:38 PM. The human appears to be getting dinner started. Good. Dinner is my favourite meal of the day. Along with breakfast, lunch, and snacks in a four way tie.

6:48 PM. The human is having her dinner. She's made some meatloaf and cut up a bunch on a plate for me. She insists on having hers with cauliflower. Well, whatever, I'll enjoy it just by itself.

7:29 PM. The human is finished with the dishes and coming into the living room to read. Okay, that's good, but I'm not giving up my spot on the couch.

8:17 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of existence. Did the chicken cross the road for no reason at all, or was there a nefarious motivation?

9:50 PM. Getting spoiled by belly rubs.

11:28 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sleep well. I'll maintain my usual guard dog duties through the night. Even if that means barking at the wind in the middle of the night for no reason at all.