Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, January 29, 2024

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the point of view of the cat, that supreme being who deserves all the respect that is more than due to her.

7:04 AM. Waking up. Slept well. Dreamed of sitting on a throne, surveying the vastness of my domain.

7:07 AM. An examination of the exterior from the back of the couch. Flying lunches around the feeders. More snow on the ground during the night. And that sky has the look of more snow coming to it.

7:10 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs and see to my breakfast. After all, it is her job. Besides, I lack the opposable thumbs to work a can opener.

7:15 AM. Come on, staff, I can hear you upstairs. Do I have to come up there and meow at you? 

7:22 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff. I was this close to sending a search party after you.

7:23 AM. ....and remember, staff, I don't want any field rations. Are we clear on that? No field rations. I don't get why you persist in giving them to me.

7:25 AM. The staff puts down a bowl of milk and a plate of chicken. These meet my approval.

A second bowl containing field rations does not.

7:27 AM. I have finished with the milk and meat. I shall ignore the field rations and leave the staff to her breakfast in peace.

7:34 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the barking of that foul hound.

7:41 AM. The staff is on her way out the door to that work place she goes to. 

Staff? Don't forget to bring back milk.

7:44 AM. I watch as the car pulls out the driveway. Will have to occupy myself for the day. Naps, of course, are always a good endeavour in that regard.

8:23 AM. More barking from that damned dog. Sounds irritated.


9:02 AM. Weather Network predicting a blizzard coming in this afternoon. Which means the milk, bread, and storm chips will be swiftly bought out at every store, as is Canadian tradition.

9:15 AM. Okay, all things being as they are, I think a good long nap is in order. 

10:48 AM. Waking up. Slept well.  Feeling hungry.

10:50 AM. Dismayed as I come into the kitchen. Right, the only thing out in the open would be those field rations.

Oh well, when in Rome...

1:30 PM. Distant barking from down the road. Bloody mutt. The mailman is just doing his job. What part of that is so hard for you to understand?

1:51 PM. The front door opens. The staff walks in with groceries, and the snow is blowing outside. Get in here, staff, don't let all the heat out.

1:54 PM. The staff is unpacking groceries, saying that everyone was sent home early because of the blizzard.

I am more attentive to the fact that she's restocking the milk.

3:24 PM. Cuddle time with the staff.

This meets with my approval.

5:51 PM. So then, staff, tell me... what were you thinking for dinner?

6:32 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made bacon pancakes, and has cut some up for me. 

Very good, staff, very good indeed.

8:02 PM. The staff is watching the Weather Channel. They're talking about this storm which they've christened Snowpocalypse Now. 

Come on, guys, it's starting to sound like you might bring back that guy in the lunatic asylum as a forecaster... the guy who kept panicking over five centimeters of snow and saying we'd all be in a Donner Party situation.

11:17 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Sleep well. But keep the door open.

I mean, I don't want to be yelling at the door at three in the morning when I feel like walking all over you.

Monday, January 22, 2024

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is once more time for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, I begin with the dog's point of view, what with him getting so easily distracted by pretty much everything.

7:05 AM. Waking up at home. Slept really well. Dreamed of chasing that damned squirrel.

7:08 AM. Looking outside at the pre-dawn, though there's enough light out to see things. Birds are hanging around the feeder. More snow in the night. I gotta get out there for a good run.

But priorities, Loki! Priorities. Gotta have breakfast first.

7:13 AM. Waiting on the human to get downstairs and get my breakfast going. Looking forward to it. 

7:18 AM. Thumping my tail on the floor as the human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! It's a great day out there. Say, how about we get going on breakfast?

7:21 AM. The human is pouring me a bowl of kibbles.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy....

7:22 AM. Licking my chops after finishing off breakfast in near record time.

That was good!

7:27 AM. Inquiring with the human if she can let me out for a run.

7:29 AM. Out the door and on my way. See you later, human!

7:36 AM. Running through the snow in the back fields, barking my head off, as happy as I can be.

7:50 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

7:52 AM. After greeting each other in the customary doggie manner, Spike and I get to discussing serious matters. The consistency of kibble. The schemes of the squirrels. What the mailman's true agenda might be.

7:57 AM. Spike notes that we're due to get more snow today. That's fine with me, I love the snow. I don't know why some people don't, I really don't...

8:08 AM. Spike and I part ways. He says he'll give me the heads up when the mailman passes by his place this afternoon. Would it be too much to hope the mailman gets caught in an avalanche?

8:21 AM. On my way home. Movement on the path ahead. 

It's that damned squirrel!

8:22 AM. My attempts at careful stalking have been for naught. The squirrel spotted me and bolted up a tree. And is now occupied in heckling me from a branch up above.

8:25 AM. After circling the tree a few times in hopes that the squirrel would come down, I've decided to move on. The squirrel continues to taunt me as I go.

One of these days, squirrel, you're going to get what's coming to you.

8:38 AM. Back home. Subjected to the Towel of Torment by the human.

I have told you this many times, human.

There is no such thing as a wet dog smell.

10:45 AM. Waking up from a nap in time to scarf a cookie from the human.

12:14 PM. The human is having lunch. I've mooched a cookie off her.

2:08 PM. Looking outside. There's some serious snow falling out there. Can't see the barn at the moment.

6:26 PM. Dinner with the human. She's having meatballs with her potatoes and carrots. My plate has the meatballs without the potatoes and carrots.

Yes, I'm spoiled rotten.

8:29 PM. Lying in the living room by the fireplace, warming my belly, pondering the great mysteries of life. Is chewing on a bone the meaning of life?

11:15 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human, and sleep well. Never fear, for I am down here through the night keeping the house safe.

In between naps, mind you...

Monday, January 15, 2024

The Nigerian Government Scammers

They are a plague upon humanity. They are devoid of conscience. They have no scruples. And they can take no hints. To this, I refer of course to that vile and loathsome pack of con artists and general wastes of space known as homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. The internet scammers and spammers who can't take a hint and just die already. They infest our email and our blogs with ads for things we don't want, with generic comments that prove they're not actually paying any attention to what you might post, and with get rich quick schemes that they hope someone will actually believe. Such as the following bit of nonsense, which came through my junk mail shortly after the new year.

Dear FriendMy apology for sending this unsolicited mail to you; I actually got your e-mail contact through my online exploration for proficient business persons and l decided to contact you directly about this business venture. I was assigned by my colleague to seek for a foreign partner who will assist us in providing a convenient foreign account in any designated bank abroad for the transfer of us$75,500,000.00 pending on our arrival in your country for utilization and disbursement with the owner of the account.This amount results from a deliberate inflation of the value of a contract awarded by our ministry, the Federal Ministry of Agriculture (F.M.A)to an expatriate company.the contract has been executed and payment made to the original contractor, remaining the over-invoiced amount of us$75,500,000.00 million, which we want to transfer the funds out the country in our favour for disbursement among ourselves. The transfer of this money can only be possible with the help of a foreigner who will be presented as the beneficiary of the fund.As government officials, we are not allowed to operate foreign accounts, and this is the reason why we decided to contact you. We have agreed that if you/your company can act as the beneficiary of this fund (us$75,500,000.00 million)18% of the total sum will be for you for providing the account while 2% will be set aside for the expenses incurred during the cost of transfer of the fund into your account while 80% will be reserved for us.We hereby solicit for your assistance in providing a convenient account number in a designated bank abroad where this fund would be transferred. We intend coming over there on the completion of this transfer to secure our own share of the money.Please note that we have been careful and have made all arrangements towards the success and smooth transfer of the fund to your account before you. For security reasons and confidentiality of this transaction, we demand that you should not expose this proposal and the entire transaction to anybody.We are putting so much trust in you with the hope that you would not betray us or sit on this money when it is finally transferred into your account. Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free. If this proposal is acceptable to you,indicate your interest by sending a email to us including your bank name & address, account number,telephone number.Note that the particular nature of your company's business is irrelevant to this transaction. if this transaction interests you, your urgent response will be appreciated.Yours faithfully,Mr.George Emeka EmerahDirector, Finance Mini of Agriculture.Email:mrgeorgeemerah@gmail.comMy Cellphone:+ 234-911-815-7020Text Massage:+ 234-911-815-7020

Ah, yes, the standard Nigerian Government Ministry Scammer. One of the tell-tales of internet scams. We've seen these before, we'll see them again. He starts off by calling me friend (I'm not your friend, dumbass), and says he got my email by searching for business persons (I'm not a business person and have no interest in becoming one). He then proceeds to spin his tale, saying he and his colleague are trying to move over seventy five million dollars out of the country into an offshore account (oh, sure, what could go wrong with that). He keeps repeating that figure throughout the email.

He promises 18% for the gullible rube who actually believes this, while the bulk of the rest will go to he and his fellow conspirators.... otherwise known as dignified government ministry officials. All in the hopes of getting someone dumb enough to believe this form email bait.

There are warnings throughout. The overly formal style that suggests it's not actually written by someone who's got a natural grasp of the English language. Punctuation, capitalization, and spacing issues that are the hallmark of the internet scammer. Misspelling of a basic word here and there (text massage, really? What is this, a brothel? Well, to be fair, whoever's behind this probably also runs a brothel in some sleazy corner of the world).

They "demand" that I should not expose this proposal, which of course I've just done, and then add that "we are putting so much trust in you with the hope that you would not betray us or sit on this money when it is finally transferred to your account." 

Well, dumbass, if this were real, which it is not, trusting me would be a catastrophic mistake, because if that money transfer was real, I'd be completely betraying you inside of thirty seconds.

But it's not real. Because the only money changing hands is that administrative fee that you'll get out of of the one or two suckers dumb enough to believe this crap from that list of five hundred thousand random email addresses you sent this crap to. And then you'll disappear. And when they realize that the few thousand bucks they sent out as an administrative fee has vanished along with you, they'll realize they were scammed.

Of course it'll be too late. Because you'll be onto your next scam.

Sigh. I'd tell you to stop wasting oxygen, but you're too dumb to even do that.

Instead, might I make a suggestion? 

I'd like you to take some of that money you've scammed off a stupid person.

And go skydiving.

And end up just like this fellow.