Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Revenge Of Crazy Charlie

Director Unveils New Film Sequel, Revels In Own Disregard For Continuity

Los Angeles (AP) Director Roland Emmerich, whose track record ranges from the surprising Stargate to the cinematic dreck that was Godzilla and 10,000 BC, held a press conference to announce his next film. Accompanied by producers Harald Kloser and Mark Gordon, Emmerich met the press with a bright smile. “Thank you all for coming. You know, I’ve been making films for a long time, and I love the process. I love the visual spectacle of it all, the way special effects make a movie come alive. You know, there have been some critics down through the years who accuse me of not paying attention to facts. Well, I say that depends on how you define facts.”

Reporters looked at each other with confusion, as if we were all wondering if Emmerich had finally lost his mind. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, my last film White House Down didn’t really connect with the film audiences. I’m not sure why. I mean, Jamie Foxx as the President should have been credible. And Channing Tatum as the hero should have worked. Sure, Channing doesn’t have a bit of brainpower in between his ears, but people don’t come to my movies to have their intelligence tested. Anyway, I’ll admit, I was confused by the disappointing box office. I had wondered if I could get away with a sequel called Buckingham Palace Down, with Irish terrorists taking over the Palace and holding people hostage. I thought about lining up Simon Pegg as the unlikely hero, a butler. I was even thinking of casting Jennifer Saunders as the Queen. I mean, I’m a big Absolutely Fabulous fan going way back. You all could have seen that idea working, right? But I heard back from the British that they weren’t interested in having the Palace or the Queen used in such a fashion. To quote them, the Queen said she was not amused. I mean, come on, I would have only destroyed the Palace in CGI!”

Gordon and Kloser got Emmerich back on track. It was a relief to those of us who were losing our patience.  “Oh, yes, ahem. So Buckingham Palace Down isn’t going to happen anytime soon. So then I thought of another film in my filmography. Yes, it seemed right to make a sequel to 2012.”

A Reuters correspondent spoke up.  “I don’t think that film needed a sequel.”

“Nonsense!” Emmerich proclaimed. “Yes, in 2012, I managed to tell a story where billions of people died, the planet was forever altered, and the few survivors ended up in a different world unlike what they had left behind. And yes, admittedly, much of that film was centered around a family that just happened to keep evading a horrendous death at every turn before ending up right where they needed to be. And yes, I was quite graphic in depicting catastrophes on a grand scale, but I ask you, is that such a bad thing?”

Reporters were quiet for a moment, an awkward tension in the air. Emmerich kept talking. “I had considered a story set with some of the survivors in Africa, but as it turns out, most of the cast members want to never work with me again for some reason. I’m not entirely sure why. Besides, John Cusack is busy doing that sequel with Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer. I wonder what would happen if Jerry and Michael and I did a film together... anyway, that’s not the point, not really. So we need to tell a different story, featuring the one member of the cast who did agree to come back to work with me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I announce to you the sequel, 2016: The Revenge Of Charlie Frost.

There was a murmur of disbelief among the reporters. In 2012, Charlie Frost is played by Woody Harrelson. The character is a fringe conspiracy theorist, a paranoid and crazy lunatic who meets a bad end when Yellowstone National Park blows up in a massive volcanic explosion. This reporter spoke up. “Mr. Emmerich, how do you tell a story about a man who died in the first film?”

Emmerich shrugged. “Well, he didn’t die.”

“He was at ground zero for a mega-volcanic explosion,” this reporter pointed out. “Are you asking us to believe he survived that? You did watch your own film, did you not?”

Emmerich shrugged again. “Look, don’t bore me with facts. Here’s the thing. I know comic book movies are big right now, and there’s that Wolverine movie out and about. The guy has a permanent healing factor, right? So why can’t I borrow that for one of my characters? Why can’t he find himself waking up in the aftermath of a volcanic explosion, suddenly healed from his injuries?”

The Reuters reporter shook his head. “Sir, you are stretching the limits of believability.”

Emmerich sighed, and rolled his eyes. “People don’t come to my films for something they can find accurate. They come to be entertained. And I’ll entertain them. So the whole story follows Crazy Charlie in the years after the end of the world. The vast majority of the world’s population is gone. Things have been insanely changed forever. And yet Charlie keeps going on and on. Eventually, for some reason we haven’t figured out yet, he learns there are survivors in Africa. So he swims to Africa, all pissed off that the world didn’t quite come to an end. From there it becomes a slasher-revenge film.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” the Reuters reporter objected.

“Who says anything has to make sense?” Emmerich countered. “Look, it’s all very simple. Woody’s on board with the sequel. All I had to do was give him a really big bag of weed. In 2016, this film is going to be the box office champion. We’re going to tell a huge, epic story. Sure, it’s not going to make much sense, but what in life does make sense? Anyway, thank you for your time, and be sure you start saying good things about 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost! It’ll be the box office champion of all time!”

Emmerich left the stage with his producers. At this point, this reporter conferred with other reporters. We concluded that Emmerich has completely lost his mind. We also agreed that Buckingham Palace Down would be an even dumber idea than 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost.


  1. I'm calling dibs on twenty percent of the box office take if Emmerich makes this film.

  2. I have an idea for Emmerich and it's set in Africa: How about he makes a sequel of the Merchant Ivory film, 'The English Patient' and the English patient comes back as a zombie and flies from Africa to England where he manages to crawl from Heathrow to Hyde Park and into Buckingham Palace!

  3. *runs screaming at the thought of this film* LOL! Oh wow, just the thought gives me shivers. And don't get my started on 10000BC--that nearly made my inner anthropologist explode :)

  4. Twenty percent of the BO, huh?

    You really shouldn't be giving these guys any ideas!

  5. Oh good Lord! I'm not sure what else there is to say. lol

  6. You better get 20% !

    Woody Harrelson could survive. He always looks like he never bathes so he was just spit out riding the wave of hot air. Plus the fact he is breathing my air offends me.

    cheers, parsnip

  7. @Eve: don't give him ideas!

    @Meradeth: anthropologists everywhere were up in arms!

    @Norma: I know, I really shouldn't...

    @Kelly: thanks!

    @Parsnip: maybe all that weed helps protect him from the elements...

  8. Hide your kids, spouses, pets and eyes, Emmerich is at it again!

  9. Here's hoping you'll get your 20% William!

  10. 'Stretching the limits of believability' that sounds like most movies these days William :)) The queen & prince phillip caption made me laugh out loud :)

  11. Well, darn. Not wild about old Woody but I'd love to see a Buckingham Palace Down!

  12. @LondonLulu: flee for your lives!

    @Nas: I had better!

    @Grace: it was perfect!

    @Cheryl: strangely enough, I could really see Jennifer Saunders as the Queen.


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