Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, August 5, 2013

A Night In The Life Of A Cat

It has been an exceedingly busy weekend, but more on that in my next blog. Today happens to be the birthday of my partner in crime Norma, so head on over to any of her blogs (here's one of them) and wish her a happy birthday!

And now, to wrap up the long night from the cat's point of view....

9:30 PM. Watching Sunset Of The Dead with the staff. Rolling my eyes with regularity. What is it with that Shia-punk that studios find appealing, anyway, staff? I mean, seriously, think of that last Indiana Jones film. No one will ever convince me that insufferable little nitwit is the offspring of parents as smart as Indy and Marion.

Why hasn't he already been killed by a zombie attack? Half hour into the stupid film, and Stupid LaBeouf is still alive for some reason.

9:40 PM. Hey, look, it's that actor who's appeared in Isis knows how many shows and movies down through the years... what's his name again? Coleman, yes, Dabney Coleman. You do realize that humans have strange names. And for some reason you persist in using the wrong name for me, staff. I am most certainly not Miss Bonkers. I am Her Majesty, Supreme Protector of the Realm, Tormentor Of Dogs, Slayer Of Mice, and Ultimate Majestrix.

Wait... what did Dabney Coleman just say about zombie Elvis impersonators?

9:46 PM. Dabney Coleman is being devoured by zombies. Let us have a moment of silence in respect for deceased character actors who died fighting the good fight.

10:00 PM. Now this is more like it. That insufferable little nitwit is surrounded by zombies. 

Let's see you get out of this one, LaDoofus.

10:03 PM. Zombies are feasting on LaDoofus. 

At least the producers of this dreck didn't make the fatal mistake of having him live through the film...

10:17 PM. Hey, wait a minute... Ving Rhames just got trapped by zombies.

Staff, there had better be some last minute escape. Ving is supposed to survive this... because, well, he's Ving Rhames. He can take on anything, right?

10:20 PM. Mother of Isis! Ving Rhames is being torn to pieces by zombies!

10:22 PM. How dare the producers kill off Ving Rhames! It just isn't right! He's one of the few human beings cool enough to almost  be a cat.

10:27 PM. John Hawkes, Kirsten Dunst, and Jon Voight are sharing their grief for Ving. Nothing about LaDoofus. I suppose they find him as annoying as I do. 

Suddenly Hawkes gets an idea.

10:40 PM. Jon Voight falls while he and Kirsten Dunst are luring zombies into the big trap. 

Well, obviously in these films, you're only going to get one or two survivors, and what with this happening, it's not going to be crazy old Voight...

10:41 PM. Zombies start feasting on Jon Voight's intestines. That's got to hurt.

He's yelling something about Nancy Pelosi. I don't know what that means.

10:42 PM. Kirsten reaches safety, with zombies chasing her. Hawkes sets off a very big bomb.


Let's see the walking dead come back from that....

10:46 PM. Hmmm, Kirsten and Hawkes are talking about how glad they are to still be alive and all that, but I don't think it's quite over. We've still got a quarter hour til the eleven o'clock news.

10:48 PM. Oh, come on! This is a complete cop-out! Bringing back zombie LaDoofus to terrify the survivors just when they think they're safe?

10:52 PM. The chase continues. Hawkes and Kirsten keep running from Zombie LaDoofus, who seems as insufferable a nitwit as when he was alive. 

10:54 PM. Ah, chainsaw! Yes, very good. Hopefully it works.

10:56 PM. Bye, bye, Zombie LaDoofus, don't forget to write. On second thought, forget to write. I never want to see you darken my television screen again.

10:58 PM. Seriously? Seriously???? Twist ending, the entire planet's overrun by zombies?? Who directed this claptrap? That M. Night buffoon?

And why do we have a zombie Elvis impersonator gyrating his falling-apart hips while singing a twisted variation song over the end credits? Did Graceland approve this?

11:00 PM. Staff, what was the point of that, aside from blood and gore? Why does this genre seem to appeal to humans? Are you all dense? Why am I even asking that? Of course you are.

At least watching that has rendered me not particularly hungry...

11:15 PM. Can't quite shake the image of Dabney Coleman getting slaughtered by zombie Elvis impersonators, all of whom were muttering, "hunka hunka zombie love" while they were eating.

I really shouldn't have watched that movie.

11:40 PM. The staff bids me good night and goes off to bed.

Don't tell me you can actually sleep after watching that movie?

2:20 AM. Sleep eludes me. I continue to flash back to Ving Rhames getting torn to shreds. What kind of vile fiend casting agent puts him into a cast and does that to him? And to the audience? 

3:05 AM. Have come into the staff's bedroom. She's sleeping peacefully. Oh, now that is just not right. How can she sleep and I can't?

3:25 AM. Sitting on the bed, staring at the staff sleeping. Thinking of waking her up. If I'm going to be up all night, so is she...

3:30 AM. What was that??? I could swear I heard something outside... like groaning and moaning... and walkers aimlessly shuffling across a post-apocalyptic landscape in search of brains.

Do I dare look?

No. I can't look. Looking will only catch their attention and invite them in, and I don't rate my staff's chances against a zombie as very high at all...

5:40 AM. Downstairs. Despite my efforts to wake up the staff, she was deep in dreamland.

Still awake. Dawn coming. So tired.

The staff never watches anything having to do with zombies again. 


  1. I love the Grumpy Cat pics!

    Shia. LeDoofus is a zombie? That explains a lot!

  2. The "How do you stay so calm with only one life left" cat is so cute! And the one holding the teddy bear looks exactly like my cat.

  3. Loved this, as always.

    I had no idea who Grumpy Cat's parents were. Thank you for getting me that information, William!

  4. Loved the "pull cord to begin apocalypse" pic. Too funny. The kitten mittens one brought back good memories. Loved that book. ;)

  5. @Norma: I don't think Shia would appreciate how I've skewered him.

    @Kelly: they're both cuties!

    @Lorelei: thank you!

    @Auden: kittens with mittens usually end up shredding mittens....

  6. My favorite character was the iceberg. Too funny!

    Hugs and chocolate,

  7. Our staff don't watch zombie stuff....they ARE zombies!!!!!
    The REAL Maple Syrup Mob xxxxx

  8. Funny as usual. I didn't know Dabny Coleman was still acting.

  9. Purranoid! LOL

    Who woulda thought to photoshop frowning cat with the royal couple and their new baby? :D

  10. LeDoofus - good one!
    Lol purrrranoid. I don't know how you continue to find these cat comics, but they're soooo good!

  11. I hope I never have to watch this movie!

    The cat at the scratching post eyeing the couch must be related to one of my cats!

  12. Definitely crossing that movie off my list :) I'll admit it: zombie movies freak me out. Watching one pretty much ensures no sleep for a week!

  13. Only whiney losers would think it was a good idea to kill off Ving Rhames. Clearly, cinema decision makers are not cats. (I am too much of a lady to say out loud what else they are not.)

  14. @Shelly: Grumpy Cat would think that!

    @Jane and Chris: just cuter zombies than the two legged version?

    @Mari: I don't know if he is, but I needed an actor quick, and he seemed to fit the bill.

    @Diane: someone obviously did!

  15. @Carla: he really is a doofus, after all...

    @Cheryl: if George Romero makes Sunset Of The Dead for real, I want twenty percent of the box office.

    @Meradeth: I tend to avoid the genre.

    @Lynn: I can imagine some of the things they are not!

  16. Oh let's face it William, Shia deserves skewering! Seriously I share the same opinion, even if zombie movies were my thing, if he was in it it would be a no no! I lvoe all your pussy cat captions :)

  17. Oh my! Maybe having a cat as a pet is not such a good idea after all...
    Enjoy celebrating Norma's birthday!

  18. @Grace: Shia deserves much worse!

    @Angelika: but a cat is a superior life form!

  19. Not to be a buzz kill, but one common reason for pet deaths are antidepressants like Prozac. They taste sweet to pets and they'll actually eat them but antidepressants are toxic to pets. Keep them out of reach!


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