Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:55 AM. Waking up very slowly. Dreamed of chasing squirrels. 

8:00 AM. Finding the staff in the kitchen. She's eating breakfast. I'm surprised she could have gotten past me without my waking up. Wondering if she might have ninja silence skills. Will have to make the proper inquiries to determine that for myself.

Staff, it is time for my breakfast. Get to it.

8:02 AM. The staff gives me a bowl of field rations. Again. I give her my most surly glare.

With much reluctance, I begin to eat some of the field rations.

8:25 AM. Sitting on back of the couch, staring outside. Watching the birds. Or as I think of them, flying lunch. The problem is they know a cat lives here, so they're always extra cautious.

8:45 AM. The staff finally lets me out the door. By now, all of the birds have scattered. Well, it was time for my morning patrols anyway....

8:50 AM. I can hear the barks of that idiot dog from down the road. You can hear that mutt from miles away sometimes...

9:05 AM. Trouble ahead. The idiot dog is right ahead of me. And he's with another dog. 

Isis, why did you invent dogs? They serve no purpose at all.

9:06 AM. The two dogs seem to be conferring among themselves. Is it an attempt to chase me? Synchronized tail wagging? I must keep my claws at the ready just in case...

9:08 AM. The other dog approaches, and surprises me by bowing his head and keeping a respectful distance. Oddly enough, there's the scent on him that suggests he lives with cats. He conveys the sentiment that his counterpart is younger and not that aware of the ways of cats.

Is this some sort of scam?

9:10 AM. I walk away from the dogs. Neither of them follow.

Dogs are strange beasts. There's just no figuring them out.

10:05 AM. Closing in on home. Wait a minute. There's a strange car in the driveway. I did not clear the staff to allow visitors without my express permission. Who is that?

Wait a minute... that's not her sister's car, is it?

10:11 AM. Oh, no, it is! That means her idiot husband and their rotten kids must be here too....

I must not be discovered. Those kids will torment me to no end if they find me...

11:15 AM. Maintaining surveillance of the property from the safety of the woods. Have chosen a high spot in a tree, but still close enough to the ground that I can descend on my own. Have confirmed that the idiot husband and the annoying kids have indeed accompanied the sister on the visit today. Actually, there's an extra kid too, a baby.

Think, damn it, think! Didn't the staff say something months ago about another baby?

Babies are strange. Not as strange as dogs, but strange enough.

12:30 PM. Maintaining position. Quite annoyed. It's lunch time, but I can't get anywhere near the house, not with those annoying kids running around. They'd torment me to no end.

I'm missing my lunch!!!!

2:45 PM. Just how long do visits take? You come in, you say hello, you have a cup of that awful coffee that humans seem to like for some reason, and you say goodbye. Those idiot relations of hers have been there nearly five hours now... at the very least!

Staff, you will answer for this, I swear to Isis...

4:10 PM. They still haven't gone yet. They're all sitting out on the deck, yakking it up like humans do. And those kids are running about chasing each other.

At least they haven't seen me....

4:35 PM. You know what's most annoying about all of this? I'm missing out on nap time while out here on this tree branch. I have to keep an eye on the house so I know when they leave, so no falling asleep for me. And even if I did fall asleep, how am I supposed to know those annoying brats won't come and see me and torment me to no end before I can get away?

5:40 PM. Oh, now this is all wrong. They're barbecuing out on the deck.

This means two things, both of which annoy me to no end. First, they're staying for dinner, which means the idiot relations won't be leaving for at least another hour. And second, I don't dare go near that house, despite whatever delicious smells might be coming my way.

I wonder if I should go over to Mrs. McIntyre and plead for sanctuary? And a nice bit of meat...

6:05 PM. I can smell the scent of burgers and barbecue sauce from here... so tempting, so very tempting...

No! Can't go near the house! Not with the annoying brats there.

I swear, if they're here all weekend, I'll just have to find myself a new staff.

7:10 PM. How hard would it be to crank call them to tell them their house just got destroyed by a fifty foot tall gorilla? Are they dumb enough to believe that and just leave already?

Kind of a moot point. I don't have a cell phone. Plus I'd never lower myself to speak English.

7:30 PM. Finally! The idiot relations are all packing up and heading into the car. It's about bloody time!

7:40 PM. Have waited long enough. The idiot relations are less likely to turn around now if they have forgotten something. Heading to the door. The staff and I will have words....

7:42 PM. The staff lets me in. Staff, I am most displeased with you. What have I told you before about inviting anyone here without my express permission, especially your idiot relations? 

The staff cheerfully asks if I'm hungry, and sets down a plate of burger meat.

If you think this is going to make up for having to run surveillance on my own property all day, think again, because... mmmm, smells good...

7:45 PM. Chewing my way through burger meat. Tastes rather good, even cold. 

Still annoyed with my staff though.

7:55 PM. The staff gives me a bowl of strawberry ice cream to finish off my dinner. Better, staff, better.

In the future, if your relations happen to visit, I demand clearance with me four weeks in advance so that I can take refuge all day with Mrs. McIntyre.

11:40 PM. The staff is off to bed, wishing me a good night. 

Consider yourself lucky, staff. If you'd let your idiot relations stay over the weekend, you would have found yourself without a cat to serve. I would have found myself a brand new staff....


  1. Okay, William. My cats saw those pix of cats on FB and they've started nagging. Next thing you know, they'll be wanting their own computers/ipads/iphones!

    How about censoring some pictures that give these ideas, huh?

  2. I love the Grumpy Cat and Bane cat pics best!

    I've said it before: you think like a cat!

  3. Grumpy Cat wins hands down. Funny.

  4. The FB one about having to call all those friends to tell them you ate lunch is so funny. Mostly because it's true. ;)

  5. Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a Meow... This is seriously cracking me up :) Also, can't ever have enough grumpy cat!

  6. You could come and live with us...we NEVER have idiot relations visiting, and DOUBLE NEVER have kids here!!
    The REAL Maple Syrup Mob xxxxx

  7. Bubble wrap...for real. My OCD is defeated. :)

  8. @Cheryl: cats must be given everything they want. It's in the Cat Charter.

    @Norma: and that's a good thing.

    @Mari: thanks!

    @Kelly: that it is!

    @Meradeth: Clark Gable is rolling over in his grave.

    @Ida: I tawt I taw a puddy tat!

    @The Maple Syrup Mob: idiot relations are so tedious!

    @Diane: Bubble wrap is one of life's simple pleasures...

  9. Oh I love it. And those pics... gosh darn. *chuckle chuckle*
    I think that Paws pic my fave.

  10. Lol!! Well of course grumpy cat is the best.

  11. Hahaha! You did it again. What a lot of fun. Glad I'm not a cat and join the barbecue rather than watch it from a tree :-)

  12. Strawberry ice cream always makes everything right again :) pesky relations !

  13. Every side of the bed is wrong, hahaha! I have days like that, love it:)

  14. @PK: thank you!

    @Krisztina: Tardar Sauce wouldn't have it any other way.

    @Lynn: another Grumpy Cat fan!

    @Auden: aren't they sweet?

  15. @Angelika: poor kitty, what I put her through...

    @Grace: strawberry ice cream is very yummy, after all...

    @LondonLulu: I have days like that too!


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