The Passing Of The Monarch

 Queen Elizabeth II

The world is a darker place with her passing.

This portrait of the Queen dates to 2012, and hangs at Rideau Hall in Ottawa.

The Fiasco At Ten Downing

Outgoing Prime Minister Continues To Make Fool Of Himself, Few Surprised

London (Reuters) The last few months have been eventful in British politics. Following a series of scandals, gaffes, resignations of ministers, and other acts of perennial stupidity from the Prime Minister, what was long overdue actually happened. Boris Johnson, the accident and gaffe prone moron who fumbled his way into 10 Downing Street after driving the country over the edge of the Brexit cliff, is resigning.

Not quite yet, anyway. Like a bad funky locker room gym bag sort of smell, he has a way of lingering too long. He's staying on until the British Tories can choose a new leader. As opposed to having the grace and tact to depart quietly with his dignity intact. That, of course, would imply he had the sense to do so- and of course he has no dignity left.

Johnson has been raked over the coals for multiple issues, including his mismanagement of the response to the pandemic, as well as his cheerleading of the Brexit movement and the fallout of that debacle. He's had a tendency going back all the way to his earliest days in political life of being accident prone, breaking bones in falls, and generally making himself look like a fool.

It's been rumoured that the Queen despises him. Her Majesty would never say, of course, but a call was made from the Palace to Johnson's Chief of Staff last year expressing that Johnson was persona non grata at any Royal property for any reason.

"She's too kind," Cambridge professor Cedric Appleton told this reporter. "The man is an oaf. How he got this far in life is a mystery. It would be within her power to have him imprisoned in the Tower of London for the rest of his life. Two hundred years back she could have had him sent to Australia with the rest of the convicts, far enough away that no one would have ever heard of him again. Too bad we don't live in that kind of world. Oh, to my Australian colleagues: sorry for the stereotyping."

Word has it from Ten Downing insiders that Johnson is not taking his decision to leave well. "There's crying, there's smashing of china, there's excessive drinking. Kind of like every day before the resignation, but ramped up by ten," a staff member speaking on anonymity told this reporter. "Oh, and there's tripping on the rugs. More so than usual. Maybe he's figuring that if he hurts himself and breaks his leg, he won't be carted out when the leadership count is made."

Boris die-hard fans aren't happy. "He led us to the promised land!" Mick Carter said outside a Sheffield pub. "No more European Union! We get to do what we want when we want. He said it was going to be paradise! Who'd have thought he'd end up being so wrong? I voted for Brexit three times and we got it and now I can't go to the south of France whenever I want and my job as a chimney sweep went up in smoke."

This reporter asked, "Are you aware you just admitted to voter fraud?"

"When?" Carter asked.

"When you said you voted for Brexit three times."

"I did?"

The previous prime minister, herself the very essence of ineptness, pushed out of the way after scandals and incompetence of her own, seemed amused by it all. "I told all of them what would happen if you let that dumbass waltz into Ten Downing," Theresa May remarked to reporters this week with a rather smug smile on her face. "This is the same chap who screwed up the country with Brexit, and you let him become Prime Minister?" She laughed. "I do say, there's a certain glee in being proved right."

Who might succeed Johnson- if only to be annihilated in the next election? The candidates have been whittled down to two: Foreign Secretary Liz Truss and former Chancellor Rishi Sunak. Neither of whom are that inspiring, and both of whom seem to know that disaster looms in the future for their party, even if they won't admit to it.

Meanwhile, the Labour Party, with new leadership, seeks to take advantage in the next election- whenever that may be.

As for Johnson himself, he met with reporters this week outside Ten Downing, looking as rumpled and befuddled as ever. "Ladies and gentlemen of the press, we have much left to do. I know I've said I'm leaving when the party chooses new leadership, and I will. I will. I promise. I just plan on dragging that process out as long as I can, so I can keep raiding the coffers for as long as I can."

"Do you realize what you just said?" one reporter asked.

"What?" Johnson replied.

"About you raiding the coffers for as long as you can," another reporter prompted.

"I said no such thing," Johnson countered. 

"We can play it back for you," this reporter suggested.

"You're all just trying to confuse me. Look, I was going to come out here and have a meaningful discussion with you, but it's clear that's not going to happen, so I'm going to go back in and play beer pong." He turned, looking back as he walked towards the front door. "And forget what I said about the beer po...." At this point he walked right into the door; a distinct crack was heard when his nose made contact with the door. He groaned, turned around, and blood was gushing out of his nose. "Um, a little help?"

Some members of the Tories wish they could go back in time. Back before Brexit, to warn their younger selves against it. To warn them against the curse of Boris. To advise them to not allow again what happened to a former foreign secretary. That political figure, taken for granted at the time and forced out through political skullduggery, has retained his respect and dignity. World leaders have always spoken highly of his candour, calmness, and grace under pressure. Many are now wishing he could be back, taking over as PM and leading the country back to a state of stability and dignity after so much foolishness. 

But that former foreign secretary has retired from political life and has now taken up a tenured post as a professor at Oxford, where he has become a popular instructor in world history. Oxford is where reporters caught up to him this week asking if he'd consider a return to politics. 

To which, Professor Beaker simply said, "Meep, meep meep meep meep!!!!"

No Terrible Boom Boom Nightmare

Happy Fourth Of July to you Yanks, from your maple syrup guzzling northern neighbours!

Megxit 2020: Grandma Lizzie Is Mad

The following is the latest reason I'll never end up becoming the Canadian governor general. Or if I do, it'll come back to haunt me.

So You Say You Want To Quit The Family Firm

London (Reuters) The fallout of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex announcing they intended to step back from their royal roles continues to be felt among royal watchers, the paparazzi, and the family itself. In what some are describing as the biggest schism in the House of Windsor since the abdication of Edward VIII, Harry and Meghan have informed Her Majesty that they wish to pull away from their duties and split their time between Britain and living in Canada. The rest of the Royal family have been stunned by the turn of events, according to sources.

It’s been a difficult few weeks for the Queen, what with her son Prince Andrew caught up in a scandal surrounding sex allegations with under-aged girls (“Her Majesty is not amused,” one source told this reporter in November). Now the news that Harry and Meghan, two of the more popular members of the family, are running off to Vancouver Island to spend time in pottery and yoga classes, drinking lattes, and effectively turning their backs on royal responsibilities, adds to the difficulties.

Some blame the British tabloid press. It’s a valid point of view, given the bloodthirsty, relentless way they treat the Royals, looking for any scoop. They’ve been particularly ruthless in their treatment of Meghan, given some of her unseemly relatives and their behaviour. But the British press have always been this way where the Royals were concerned. Will they find refuge in Canada, away from the immediate attention from the British tabloids?

“Well, the Canadian press is quite laid back,” Royal watcher Calliope Wentworth-Taylor admitted. “However, living in Canada means they’ll be all the closer to the American tabloid press in Hollywood, and those people are just dreadful. Dreadful, I say. Entertainment reporters who latch onto any story they think they can milk. It’s a ghastly shame. They’ll have Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood camped across from their home day and night.”

Indeed, both entertainment shows have just opened up satellite offices in Victoria, British Columbia, staffing them with teams of entertainment journalists- if you want to call them journalists- on 24/7 Harry and Meghan watch. “How big is this?” ET producer Merry Merrington gushed. “This is like Brad-Angelina-Jennifer times infinity! Or is that divided by infinity? I don’t know, I was never that good at math. Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is we’re going to be on Harry and Meghan watch all the time. We’re going to buy a house in their neighbourhood just so we can ask them questions all the time. There’s no such thing as too much attention, if you ask me, and you are asking me! This is better than sex!”

The Duke and Duchess appear to be giving up the right to be called Their Royal Highnesses, not to mention the considerable funding the Royal Family gets. That’s not to mean they’ll be destitute, as they’re both wealthy in their own right and won’t need to be applying for cashier positions at a Tim Hortons. The question of their security is a matter still up in the air. Will the British government be picking up the tab? The Canadian government? Or the couple themselves. After all, whether or not they’re living a private life, the couple are certain to be targets, and the question of their security is a legitimate one.

Bill Blair, the Minister of Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness, admitted to reporters that the issue is still being sorted out. “We’re in talks with our counterparts in London, as well as the Duke and Duchess to address those needs. Some of our Mounties have been working on contingency plans in case they are called on to form the protective detail for the couple. As to who will be picking up the tab, that’s part of the talks.”

Blair was asked who might head up such a detail, with the names of several high profile Mounties noted by the reporter in question. “I can categorically deny that it’ll be Inspector Ulrich,” Blair stated, referring to the legendary but cranky Mountie known for saving the world from megalomaniacs, beating up gigantic monsters, holding grudges against entertainment reporters, and being mistaken regularly for the Other Lars Ulrich. “First of all, Inspector Ulrich is needed in the capacity that we have him in- a kick ass last line of defense. Second, that detail would expose him to way too many entertainment reporters. And he hates entertainment reporters. I’d rather keep him happy than drive him crazy.”

The last word in the matter belongs to Ulrich himself. Reporters sought him out at his detachment in the Alberta foothills, seeking to confirm whether or not he had been approached for the job. First reassuring the inspector that the press were all aware he was not the Other Lars Ulrich, we asked for his comment. “It was asked. I refused. Hey, they’re a nice couple and all, but daily exposure to morons from the entertainment press would leave me feeling homicidal.”

“Lars! Lars!” It was the voice of someone from outside the circle of reporters, an excitable voice that reminded one of the paparazzi that was the bane of too many existences. Sure enough, someone poked through the crowd, with a cameraman in tow.  He had the general look of your average entertainment reporter: casually dressed, with an utterly clueless expression. “Lars, I’m Nick Nolan, with Access Hollywood. What  everyone wants to know… what does Metallica think of Harry and Meghan ditching the Royals?”

“I am not that Lars Ulrich,” the inspector said, his voice seething, as the real reporters backed up out of the way.

“Are you sure?” Nolan asked.

Ulrich punched him, sending him flying. Nolan started to run, the inspector hot on his heels. When last heard of, Nolan was spending time in a local hospital, bound up in a body cast, whimpering about how London Bridge was falling down.

Brexit Stage Left, Pursued By A Boris

Britain stumbles along towards Brexit, Prime Minister Loses Confidence And Balance

London (Reuters) The Brexit fiasco continues. It has already cost two prime ministers their jobs after a yes vote to leaving the European Union drove Great Britain into turmoil following the 2016 referendum. Entire regions of the country voted against the measure, which some have said should have never even been called for in the first place. Proponents for the Leave side of things, including present Prime Minister Boris Johnson, have blundered their way through things as much as those who were on the Remain side of things.

Johnson has only recently taken office as prime minister, after the ousting of former PM Theresa May. He promptly sacked the two time foreign secretary, a highly regarded figure in British society, declared that Brexit would proceed with or without a deal by October 31^st, tried to prorogue Parliament, and got slapped down by the highest courts for doing so. Members of his own Conservative party have turned on him, removing his working majority, and the accident prone Johnson has threatened to call an election over the matter.

Finding himself with enemies at every quarter and a deepening state of unpopularity among the British public, the perennially clumsy and gaffe prone Johnson is a man under siege. Bets are already being taken as to how long his time in office will last. “Not near as long as May,” is the common word on the street and in the bookie shops. Long odds are being given to anyone betting he’ll still be in the job by the first year anniversary of his coming into it.

“It’s a disgrace,” Oxford professor of political science Gerald Featherstonehaugh admitted. “This never needed to happen in the first place. Whatever differences the country had with Europe as a whole could have been talked over, negotiated, smoothed out. This should have never gone to a referendum. And now what you’re seeing throughout the country is a lot of regret about the initiative going to a ballot in the first place. It’s almost as big a disgrace as having that foppish jackass in the PM’s office.”

Former PM David Cameron, who led the Remain side of things and saw the referendum go so horribly wrong, agrees. “We made a terrible mistake in even entertaining the idea. We let rogue politicians and isolationist parties get the better of us.  I take responsibility for that. And now we’re all paying the price for a bad decision. The amount of turmoil we’re seeing in the country is a reflection of that.”

Theresa May was less civil when reached by phone for comment. Apparently still stinging over a forced resignation that ended her time in office, she simply told this reporter, “go **** yourself, *******.”

Johnson seemed harried and stressed out when facing the press outside Ten Downing Street. Having had lost his working majority in Parliament to rebel Conservative members, and facing the venom and wrath of an electorate that seems to hate him more by the hour, Johnson is clearly not having a good time of it these days. “Look, the important thing is that all of this is going to work. We’re going to get out of Europe and have our cake and eat it too. With tea and scones. Believe me, when you’re in a situation like this, it’s always best to go into it with no plan whatsoever. And that’s what the whole Leave thing was about in the first place. Having absolutely no plan whatsoever.”

“You realize you said that out loud?” this reporter asked.

“Said what?” Johnson asked, looking confused. He looks confused a lot.

“That you had no plan at all for actually leaving Europe when you started this whole thing,” this reporter prompted.

“I did not!” Johnson objected.

“Yes you did,” every reporter said in unison.

Johnson seemed even more befuddled, looking around, sputtering a bit before backing away from the podium. “You’re all just out to get me! Like everyone else is. Well, I won’t have it, do you hear me? I won’t be treated this way!” He turned around, started back for the door, and got his leg caught in an electric cord, tripping and hitting the ground. A moment later he started screaming and holding his knee and his nose. “Help, help!” he called out. “I got an ow-ow!”

The prime minister was taken to hospital, where it turned out he had indeed broken his left knee and his nose. He was heard to be speculating that his injuries might get him sympathy votes. Not according to the latest polls, which find most citizens want to see him locked up at the Tower of London in the stocks.

“The man is an insufferable jackass and simpleton,” Featherstonehaugh lamented. “We need dignity restored to the office. We need a leader who can come back, who can go to Brussels with heart in hand and just say, ‘we were wrong, let’s get this all sorted out.’ If you ask me, the leader we need is our former foreign secretary. Best man for the job. Dignified, articulate, reasonable, a man of calm nerves and steady mind. But having had been ousted twice already, I don’t see how he’d want to come back.”

The former foreign secretary was approached by reporters for his own comment. Presently enjoying a life of quiet retirement writing his memoirs at his country estate in Devonshire, the diminutive redhead with the intense stare paused before speaking.

“Meep! Meep meep meep meep meep!!! Meep meep!!”

Curse Of The Unwanted Relations

Royal Wedding Awaits; Bridal Family Members Fume

London (Reuters) The world awaits the wedding of Prince Harry, currently sixth in line to the throne, to American actress Meghan Markle this weekend. In what is being described as the wedding of the year, the couple, engaged since last fall, will exchange wedding vows at a ceremony at St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle. Coverage of the event will be broadcast by worldwide media, as interest in the couple continues to build. Reporters- both of the actual sort and the paparazzi sort- have descended on the area in hordes. 

There have been some bumps in the road. Father of the bride Thomas Markle will not be attending after the news came out of arrangements with tabloids, now claiming he’s missing the event due to an upcoming heart surgery. Half-siblings have been noted in recent days to be fuming over being not invited to the ceremony, and have been mixing together lashing out and talking to anyone who will listen. The ceremony itself, happening on the same day of the FA Cup final (an event that would normally be attended by best man Prince William in his capacity as President of the Football Association, may compete for attention in the British isles with that game.

Royal watchers have been keen on the drama of Miss Markle’s family, particularly the estrangements that seem in place amongst some of them. “Well, it’s very simple,” Professor Clementine Harrington, an Oxford lecturer on British royalty, told this reporter this week. “If any of them happen to act out or crash the wedding, the Queen has the Tower of London at her disposal, and can feel free to have them put in the stocks for a few days until they learn to mind their manners.”

Americans, who founded their entire way of life on getting royalty out of their lives with the Revolution, seem particularly drawn to the event. “It’s fascinating, isn’t it?” Boston socialite Esmeralda LaCoeur noted this week. “All this history of liberty and being independent and booting the redcoats out, and here we are, salivating over heredity aristocracy and a wedding. I suppose you might wonder if it has to do with our current situation. You don’t suppose the Queen would let us back in, if we apologized and said we were really sorry?”

One American is profoundly disappointed by not being allowed to participate in the entire affair. Director Michael Bay, the explosion prone lunatic behind demented deafening films such as the Transformers franchise and Armageddon, was unhappy in a video rant made on the website for his company Digital Domain. “I had this big idea! Pyrotechnics and explosions and having Aerosmith do the theme song for the wedding- they even wrote it! It was called Royal Beheadings! Isn’t that a great name for a song? But no! I hear back from the Brits that I don’t have permission to set off explosions around Windsor Castle! What’s a wedding without explosions? Bottom line is, that cranky old bat Lizzie, or whoever actually wrote that message, told me to go **** myself and warned me that if I ever step on British soil again, I’ll be arrested and sent to the Tower where those ridiculous looking Beefeaters would knock my teeth out before deporting me. I thought these people were hospitable. I thought the Brits were polite.”

In Canada, the wedding is of great interest to the population. One Canadian is pleased for a different reason. Legendary RCMP Inspector and thorough grouch Lars Ulrich, known for saving the world on multiple occasions and kicking around entertainment reporters for sport, was found at his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Reassured by reporters that they knew he was not the drummer from Metallica, the Mountie was willing to speak and in fact quite cordial. “As far as I know, every single verminous dirtbag idiotic entertainment reporter on the planet is camped out in Britain right now. I’ve got an ocean between me and them. The British police can deal with their stupidity, as long as they want. I won’t complain if none of them come back.”

The last word belongs to a certain Scotland Yard inspector who shares two things in common with his Mountie counterpart: crankiness and a name in common with a musician. Chief Inspector Paul McCartney was reached by real reporters at the legendary police agency. The Inspector is in his mid thirties, half the age of the former Beatle, and in fact looks nothing like his famous namesake. He seemed exasperated while speaking with reporters. “How stupid are people? I’ve had reporters with Access Hollywood asking me if I’d be working with Ringo on something for the wedding! Damn it all, I had to give them a thorough thrashing and sent them to hospital. Well, a few less entertainment reporters at the wedding, who’s going to complain? Except of course for any of the bride’s estranged family.”

A paparazzi reporter had somehow infiltrated our ranks, and spoke up at that point. “Paul! Paul! Is it true that you and Ringo are going to work with Elton John and sing Twist And Shout at the wedding?”

McCartney glared at the man. “I am not that Paul McCartney.”

The paparazzi reporter seemed confused. “Are you sure?”

With that, McCartney broke through the ranks of reporters and started chasing the hapless reporter. When last heard from, the paparazzi reporter, working for the National Enquirer, was fished out of the Thames after McCartney threw him off Tower Bridge. He is reported to be in stable but stupid condition at a local hospital, blathering on about what John Lennon would have thought of a fellow Beatle resorting to violence.