The Revenge Of Crazy Charlie

Director Unveils New Film Sequel, Revels In Own Disregard For Continuity

Los Angeles (AP) Director Roland Emmerich, whose track record ranges from the surprising Stargate to the cinematic dreck that was Godzilla and 10,000 BC, held a press conference to announce his next film. Accompanied by producers Harald Kloser and Mark Gordon, Emmerich met the press with a bright smile. “Thank you all for coming. You know, I’ve been making films for a long time, and I love the process. I love the visual spectacle of it all, the way special effects make a movie come alive. You know, there have been some critics down through the years who accuse me of not paying attention to facts. Well, I say that depends on how you define facts.”

Reporters looked at each other with confusion, as if we were all wondering if Emmerich had finally lost his mind. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, my last film White House Down didn’t really connect with the film audiences. I’m not sure why. I mean, Jamie Foxx as the President should have been credible. And Channing Tatum as the hero should have worked. Sure, Channing doesn’t have a bit of brainpower in between his ears, but people don’t come to my movies to have their intelligence tested. Anyway, I’ll admit, I was confused by the disappointing box office. I had wondered if I could get away with a sequel called Buckingham Palace Down, with Irish terrorists taking over the Palace and holding people hostage. I thought about lining up Simon Pegg as the unlikely hero, a butler. I was even thinking of casting Jennifer Saunders as the Queen. I mean, I’m a big Absolutely Fabulous fan going way back. You all could have seen that idea working, right? But I heard back from the British that they weren’t interested in having the Palace or the Queen used in such a fashion. To quote them, the Queen said she was not amused. I mean, come on, I would have only destroyed the Palace in CGI!”

Gordon and Kloser got Emmerich back on track. It was a relief to those of us who were losing our patience.  “Oh, yes, ahem. So Buckingham Palace Down isn’t going to happen anytime soon. So then I thought of another film in my filmography. Yes, it seemed right to make a sequel to 2012.”

A Reuters correspondent spoke up.  “I don’t think that film needed a sequel.”

“Nonsense!” Emmerich proclaimed. “Yes, in 2012, I managed to tell a story where billions of people died, the planet was forever altered, and the few survivors ended up in a different world unlike what they had left behind. And yes, admittedly, much of that film was centered around a family that just happened to keep evading a horrendous death at every turn before ending up right where they needed to be. And yes, I was quite graphic in depicting catastrophes on a grand scale, but I ask you, is that such a bad thing?”

Reporters were quiet for a moment, an awkward tension in the air. Emmerich kept talking. “I had considered a story set with some of the survivors in Africa, but as it turns out, most of the cast members want to never work with me again for some reason. I’m not entirely sure why. Besides, John Cusack is busy doing that sequel with Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer. I wonder what would happen if Jerry and Michael and I did a film together... anyway, that’s not the point, not really. So we need to tell a different story, featuring the one member of the cast who did agree to come back to work with me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I announce to you the sequel, 2016: The Revenge Of Charlie Frost.”

There was a murmur of disbelief among the reporters. In 2012, Charlie Frost is played by Woody Harrelson. The character is a fringe conspiracy theorist, a paranoid and crazy lunatic who meets a bad end when Yellowstone National Park blows up in a massive volcanic explosion. This reporter spoke up. “Mr. Emmerich, how do you tell a story about a man who died in the first film?”

Emmerich shrugged. “Well, he didn’t die.”

“He was at ground zero for a mega-volcanic explosion,” this reporter pointed out. “Are you asking us to believe he survived that? You did watch your own film, did you not?”

Emmerich shrugged again. “Look, don’t bore me with facts. Here’s the thing. I know comic book movies are big right now, and there’s that Wolverine movie out and about. The guy has a permanent healing factor, right? So why can’t I borrow that for one of my characters? Why can’t he find himself waking up in the aftermath of a volcanic explosion, suddenly healed from his injuries?”

The Reuters reporter shook his head. “Sir, you are stretching the limits of believability.”

Emmerich sighed, and rolled his eyes. “People don’t come to my films for something they can find accurate. They come to be entertained. And I’ll entertain them. So the whole story follows Crazy Charlie in the years after the end of the world. The vast majority of the world’s population is gone. Things have been insanely changed forever. And yet Charlie keeps going on and on. Eventually, for some reason we haven’t figured out yet, he learns there are survivors in Africa. So he swims to Africa, all pissed off that the world didn’t quite come to an end. From there it becomes a slasher-revenge film.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” the Reuters reporter objected.

“Who says anything has to make sense?” Emmerich countered. “Look, it’s all very simple. Woody’s on board with the sequel. All I had to do was give him a really big bag of weed. In 2016, this film is going to be the box office champion. We’re going to tell a huge, epic story. Sure, it’s not going to make much sense, but what in life does make sense? Anyway, thank you for your time, and be sure you start saying good things about 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost! It’ll be the box office champion of all time!”

Emmerich left the stage with his producers. At this point, this reporter conferred with other reporters. We concluded that Emmerich has completely lost his mind. We also agreed that Buckingham Palace Down would be an even dumber idea than 2016: The Revenge of Charlie Frost.

Duncan Malloy Loses His Temper Again

Unexpected Sequel Greenlighted; Reporters Wonder Why

Los Angeles (AP) Touchstone Pictures and Disney Studios are backing a sequel from producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Michael Bay, to begin filming shortly. After the spectacular failure of Bruckheimer’s The Lone Ranger at the box offices, Disney executives were quick to want to recoup their losses by setting up a sequel for a film that came out in 1997. “Yes, we’re aware it’s been awhile,” Jane Davis, an executive in the Communications department for Disney told reporters at a hastily assembled press conference. “But we’re sure audiences will flock to this film, and the passage of time has allowed Jerry and Michael to approach this story with a fresh point of view.”

Bruckheimer and Bay, who have worked together in previous films like Armageddon and The Rock, came out on stage, waving to the crowd. Bay stopped to admire himself in a pocket mirror he kept in a jacket pocket, and flashed a smile at the crowd. Bruckheimer took to the podium. “It’s a pleasure to announce our joint venture today. You know, it’s been awhile since Michael and I worked together. And we didn’t get a chance to shoot the first film together. I had Simon West direct that one, but I wanted Michael to direct this one. And he was raring to go."

“Of course I was,” Bay remarked. “I would have loved to have filmed the first one. I mean, Con Air was right up my alley. Lots of explosions, lots of rock music, lots of mayhem and chaos, and Nic Cage. How could anything go wrong with that? At the time though I was really busy, so I couldn’t get in on it, but Jerry told me the story for this one, so I knew I had to get in on the ground floor.”

Bruckheimer nodded. “So today we’re announcing Con Rail, for a Memorial Day weekend 2015 release. We’ve already cast Nicolas Cage to return as Cameron Poe, and Monica Potter as his wife Tricia. They’re settled down and happily married, running a bed and breakfast in Illinois. There’s a bit of family tension, though. We can’t have a movie like this without dramatic tension. They’re on a rail trip west to attend their daughter Casey’s wedding.”

Bay smiled. “You see, Casey’s never been that close to her daddy, who was in prison for the first few years of her life. And the trauma of first meeting him all bloody and battered, and him giving her a soggy stuffed animal as a hello gift, well, it’s created this emotional wedge between daughter and father. So we’ve got that human interest dynamic storyline that’s sure to win this film a lot of Oscars.”

“Yes,” Bruckheimer agreed. “For some reason, the Academy refuses to give us Oscars. I don’t understand the reason. Maybe they take pity on the other films and decide that we don’t really need Oscars.”

Bay shrugged. “They’ll get around to it. Anyway, for reasons we won’t go into here, the train they’re on gets hooked up to a couple of train cars holding convicted criminals, for transport west to a Supermax prison. We’re talking the worst of the worst. Murderers, thieves, drug dealers, arms smugglers, jaywalkers. It’s all under the orders of Agent Duncan Malloy. Yes, we’ve got Colm Meaney back from the first film too, and he’s as cranky as ever. Last time out you might remember his sports car was demolished. This time we’re going to have his luxury speedboat destroyed during the film. And John Cusack’s back as US Marshal Larkin. Long story short, among the convicts being transported west is Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom’s twin brother Brutus Grissom. Yes, we’ve got John Malkovich back to play this new character, and believe me, he’s even nastier than his brother."

 Bay smiled, and continued. "So once he takes over the train and learns that the guy who killed his brother is among the civilian passengers, he’s looking for some payback. And we’ve got some of Hollywood’s biggest character actors agreeing to play other convicts in Grissom’s gang. Steve Buscemi is back as Garland Greene, because let’s face it, you can’t have a film like this without that character. And we’ve got Woody Allen as a white collar convicted accountant, Delroy Lindo and Josh Brolin as bank robbers, Vince Vaughn in the cast as a smartmouth convicted jaywalker, Owen Wilson as a serial killer, Seth Rogen as a drug dealer, Robert Pattinson as a sparkly wannabe vampire, and Rob Schneider as a crime lord. You’re talking about the best of the best in dangerous lunatics, all in one train. Mind you, some of these actors we had to pull strings to get them to join the cast. John Cusack had to have his arm twisted before he’d commit to reprising his role. So we had a guy named Buford twist his arm.”

Reporters were stunned. One reporter from Reuters asked, “Mr. Bay, somehow I doubt Amtrak would allow one of their trains to be hooked up to rail cars containing dangerous convicted criminals.”

Bay waved that off. “Details. Don’t bore me with the facts.”

Bruckheimer nodded. “We’re going to have a big rocking score for the film too. Hans Zimmer, Trevor Rabin, and Harry Gregson-Williams are going to work together to give us a score that’s going to blow your mind. Not to mention your eardrums. And since we work a lot of rock music into our film, there’ll be plenty of that too. Aerosmith is going to write a new song for the film. Something that’s just right for the emotional context of the story. And since most of the action’s going to take place in Colorado, we’re going to see if Lynyrd Skynyrd will do an updated song, Sweet Home Colorado.” He grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

Another reporter spoke up. “You do realize three of the original members of that band died in a plane crash, right?”

Bay and Bruckheimer looked confused. “They did?” Bruckheimer asked.

Bay sighed. “Look, that doesn’t matter. What matters is we’ve got a chance to do a lot with this film. Big explosions, speed boats getting destroyed for no reason, loud noise, heavy gunfights, nasty villains, and a heroic former army Ranger with strange hair. This is the kind of film Hollywood wants. This is the kind of picture that will sweep the Oscars. Nicolas is ready to go, and we’re eager to get this baby filmed. In the summer of 2015, everyone’s going to be talking about this film. Can I hear a hell yeah for Con Rail?” There was no response from the reporters. 

“Well, we’re about through here. If you’ll excuse us, I’ve got a session with my hairdresser. Looking this good takes work, you know...”

Bay and Bruckheimer left the room. Reporters quickly started talking amongst themselves, wondering why, after sixteen years, there was a need to make a sequel to Con Air.  In the opinion of this reporter, Hollywood has officially run out of ideas.

Doomsday Is Coming! Doomsday Is Coming! Or... Well, Maybe Not.

That's going to hurt....

Well, we're two years and counting from what some would suggest to be the end of the world. Doomsayers will have you believe that the Mayan calendar has the world coming to an end in December of 2012. Not so doomsayers will point out that the Mayan calendar only comes to one end before starting another. And hack filmmakers will  make the most of it.

The prophecy zealots will have you believing that oceans will rise, cities will fall, mountains will tumble into each other, dogs and cats will be living together in sin, and Washington DC will be obliterated from the face of the earth. Scratch that last one. It's Secret Protocol #33 from the Tea Party's To Do List. Oh, and lest we forget, John Cusack will be driving away from calamity at top speed, wondering whatever happened to the days when he played interesting, professionally fulfilling roles.

Remember all that fuss over Y2K? The computer glitch that might cast us all back to the Stone Age? Well, at least until that particular fuss completely fizzled out. I thought of all those survivalists who were proclaiming the end of the world, heading off into their customized bomb shelters to wait out the apocalypse. Wouldn't it have been perfectly ironic if their shoddy construction (can't trust a government certified construction company to do the job you can do yourself!) had failed, causing their deaths? In those last seconds, the survivalists would have thought this is it! The end of the world! And they would have been crushed to death, never knowing that no, in fact, the world hadn't come to an end.

I would suppose all of this doomsday talk is at least understandable. After all, we've got a complete idiot thinking she can run for President... in 2012. Doomsday zealots would surely tell you that's a sign of the apocalypse, right? At least a sign of doom for rational thinking.

I think some of the blame must go to Nostradamus and the nutbars who buy into anything he says. Have you actually read anything by this man? It's all so vague and metaphorical that you can interpret it any way you see fit. In fact, I would suggest that all of his visions might well have been inspired by his marijuana habit. Come on, people! A weed addiction would at least explain it! I submit to you that we have to dig up whatever's left of Nostradamus, cremate it, and mix it in with the weed his current day believers are smoking. It's only fitting.

Which brings us back to the Mayans. Why should we take their word for the end date of the world? These people couldn't even predict their own demise! I remain dubious of their prediction skills if they didn't see the Spanish coming.

Allow me to suggest this scenario. It's 1488. No, in the common calendar, not the Mayan calendar. In the grand plaza of Chichen Itza, the Mayan people are going about their business on just another typical day. And walking about on the plaza grounds, wearing a sack cloth and looking perfectly crazy, is a Mayan carrying a sign. Repent! The Spaniards Are Coming!

His fellow Mayans will look at him the same way you and I look at any such contemporary nutcase carrying a sign down Madison Avenue reading Repent! Mel Gibson Is Coming!

"That crazy old Biff. Always going on about one thing or another. By the way, what's a Spaniard?"