Muppet Murder Trial Continues; Inspector Loses Temper With Defense Attorney
The Grover Trial carried on today, with the prosecution opening its case against the blue muppet in regards to the murder of Elmo. Outside the courthouse, mourners of the beloved little red muppet who hijacked his way into Sesame Street lit candles and sang Kumbaya. Inside, prosecutor Ben Matlock called RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich to the stand.
The Inspector laid out the evidence against Grover in his testimony, questioned by Matlock in his reliable trademarked Southern charm. The defendant sat with his attorney Kermit, looking high strung and nervous. He occasionally glanced back at the gallery, where the same dark haired woman who interrupted proceedings on the first day, sat among a sea of muppets, blowing him kisses.
Ulrich explained the case against Grover, starting with the damning recording found on his answering machine after the murder, from the individual who was the contract killer. He went into detail on the missing money removed from Grover's accounts, and the claim the muppet made about gambling debts.
"More to the point," Ulrich testified. "I looked into his eyes, and what I saw was a cold blooded killer. I've seen it before, and I'll no doubt see it again and again in my line of work. Grover set up that murder. He hired someone, and went off and got himself the perfect alibi."
The woman in question blurted out, "He was with my hubby and I! I swear, we were together all night!"
The judge didn't like the outburst, and had the woman removed from the gallery. Ulrich continued. "He was jealous of Elmo. The little red muppet had monopolized his way onto Sesame Street, and a lot of the old timers were set on the sidelines. Grover hated it, and it drove him to an obsessive hatred of Elmo. So he saw his chance, and he took it. He committed murder."
Kermit stepped up to crossexamine the Inspector. "Sir, isn't it true that you're an Inspector of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police?" the frog asked.
The inspector looked annoyed. He was, after all, the same man who recently defeated the hundred foot tall Stephen Harper and Sarah Palin singlehandedly, so he was far from intimidated by a two and a half foot tall frog. "Yes. Your point being?"
"Aren't you out of your jurisdiction investigating this case?" Kermit asked pleasantly.
In the gallery, Count von Count was heard to laugh. "One good point! Ah! Ah! Ah!"
The judge ordered silence from the gallery. The Inspector sighed, as if holding the defense attorney in contempt. "Look, Mr. Frog..."
"That's Kermit the Frog," Kermit corrected the Inspector.
"I was called in to do a job. I have a certain reputation in the field of law enforcement, and they needed help. And besides, a Mountie always gets his man. Or his muppet, in this case. We'll hunt a criminal to the ends of the earth if we have to."
"That's nice. Did it not occur to you to consider the possibility that my client is being set up? That he's innocent? Or did his peculiar accent and odd vocalizations annoy you into overlooking that possibility? Did his mistaking you for that Metallica musician really annoy you?"
"Look, damn it, I am not that Lars Ulrich!"
"I know that, Inspector. Indeed, I do. But Grover didn't. And that annoyed you. You really do get irritated when you get mistaken for him, don't you? You have a history of slugging reporters who make that mistake. Granted, reporters deserve to get slapped around, but that's not the point. The point is that your personal antagonism for Grover clouded your otherwise good judgement. You've condemned an innocent man, Inspector. A man who's been set up for a murder he had no part of. How's that make you feel?"
The Inspector seemed to search for an answer. Kermit shrugged, and told the judge he had no further questions. Court came to a close for the day, and once again, Grover was taken away by bailiffs. Rumor has it that Matlock is concerned about a jail break on the part of the defendant.
Among the muppets watching his departure, long time Grover nemesis Mr. Johnston was all smiles. "You know, that blue bastard is really getting what's coming to him. When he gets the chair, I'll be laughing my ass off."