Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

T Is For Trial, Part Five

Kermit Goes On The Offense To Defend Grover

Defense attorney Kermit the Frog continued his defense of murder suspect Grover today in court. Among the witnesses brought out to testify was the mysterious Karla, already confirmed to be Grover's lover, who, only yesterday, was one half of a cat fight with Miss Piggy in court.

Miss Piggy was diplomatic while speaking with reporters. "I thought she was blowing kisses at my Kermie. So of course I had to fight her. Well, it turns out I was mistaken. She was blowing kisses at Grover. So we managed to make up.

Karla was sworn in by the bailiff, and before a packed court room full of muppets, reporters, and lookers-on, she began her testimony. Kermit asked her about her relationship with the blue muppet. "Well, my hubby and I like to spice things up in the bedroom from time to time. We met Grover in a casino in Atlantic City three years ago, and he's been part of our lives ever since. I'll tell you, there's nothing quite like it to have your hubby on one side of you, a gorgeous muppet on the other, and the three of you are just about to get off..."

"Um, thank you," Kermit said quickly. "That's quite enough of that. On the night of the murder, where was Grover?"

"With us. In bed. See, we were in the middle of..."

"Objection!" Prosecutor Ben Matlock thundered. "Is this a courtroom or a porn studio?"

"Oh, come on," Karla protested. "I can show you pictures."

Kermit quickly recovered. "Karla, we don't need the details of your... personal life. Was he there all night?"


"He didn't take or make any phone calls?"


"Is he the sort of muppet who'd kill anyone?"

"Absolutely not. No way. He's sweet and adorable and beautiful." At this point, she blew kisses and winked at the defendant. Grover seemed to smile and softly sighed. "If you want to talk about muppets who'd kill, talk to Animal or the Count. Animal is, well, crazy. And the Count is a vampire."

"Two accusations! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" the Count was heard to say in the gallery.

"Thank you. No further questions."

Matlock walked up to the witness at this point, and stared at her. And stared. And stared some more. Karla frowned. "Is there a question coming?"

"I'm just wondering what kind of person would sleep with a muppet," Matlock remarked.

"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it," the witness said with a wicked smile.

Matlock shrugged. "No questions."

The trial continues. Kermit rushed out of court after receiving a message from a clerk, without stopping to speak to reporters. One group of reporters crowded around Karla, who showed off pictures. Another crowded around Inspector Lars Ulrich.

"How about it, Inspector?" a reporter for the New York Times inquired. "Aren't Animal and the Count more likely suspects in this case then Grover? After all, as has been pointed out, the Count is a vampire. And Animal did throw that cream pie at President Sarkozy last year..."

"I won't comment on that," the Inspector said.

A reporter for Access Hollywood spoke next. "Lars! Any truth to the rumor that Metallica is going to appear on American Idol next season?"

Ulrich glared at the man with disgust. Then he took his service revolver from his holster, pointing it at the man. "You have twenty seconds. Then I'm coming after you." The reporter looked around nervously, as if to wonder if it was a joke. Then the Inspector started counting down. "Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen..."

The reporter bolted.


  1. Well, William, it's been nice knowing you. When Karla sees this, you'll be as dead as poor little Elmo....

  2. Shall I pull out the pictures of you and the goat? The lighting wasn't great, but my PI was able to take a lot of them. He said you went for hours!

  3. I know that goat! Trust me, it's a good thing the lighting was bad, or your PI would have been vomiting all over his camera!

  4. That poor goat!!! He better come with me for some therapy...

  5. Well, if I'm dead, my brother has to share in the blame for all this.

    Wait for the next installment. See what happens. Trust me.

    Stop laughing when I tell you to trust me!


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