Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Downfall Of The Alaskan Giant Ex-Governor

Tea Party Devastated As Giant Palin Defeated At Last

Washington, D.C. - The mad rampage of the gigantic Sarah Palin is over. At the behest of the President, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich confronted and stopped the former governor in the heart of the nation's capital on Sunday afternoon. It was a faceoff worthy of the tale of David and Goliath.

Ulrich, who had only the day before stopped the rampage of another gigantic politician, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, in Ottawa, was brought in for his expertise. Before the confrontaton, Palin was busily destroying the rest of the Smithsonian, to the shock of onlookers. She tore up the original copies of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. She was heard to bellow, "Hey, look! I can see Russia from here, you betcha!"

Ulrich made his way down from the Lincoln Memorial, along the reflecting pool, carrying with him a megaphone. Reporters, police officers, and the National Guard looked on as the lone Mountie walked towards the gigantic politician. Murmurs and whispers abounded among the onlookers. How could someone that small defeat someone that big? Those of us who witnessed his epic duel with Prime Minister Harper knew better.

Ulrich spoke through the megaphone. "That's enough of that," he called out.

Palin looked down at him. She was busily dismantling the Apollo 11 command module by this point. "What do you want?" she bellowed down at the Mountie. "I'm having my fun, you know, you betcha!"

"You will cease and desist immediately," Ulrich insisted, holding his ground against the behemoth. "Otherwise this is going to be unpleasant for both of us."

"Well, you know, I'm just doing what everyone out there wants me to do, God bless 'em! They want me to come on out to Washington and straighten things out, you betcha!"

"I somehow doubt the American people want you to destroy Washington, Mrs. Palin," Ulrich replied.

"Not if you watch Fox News! They do!" came the titan's response.

"I don't watch Fox News. I'm not a complete moron," the Inspector answered. "You asked for it." He paused, and then spoke again. "What is the average yearly range of the platypus?"

Palin stared down at the Inspector. Her expression seemed confused at first. More so then usual. Then the confusion deepened. And deepened some more. She started to speak, then paused. And then she scratched her head. And pondered. And pondered some more. And then, the confusion in her face changed slightly. Her eyes seemed to cross, and she fell back, almost as if she was fainting. She collapsed onto the Air And Space museum, and all was still. The giant had fallen.

The National Guard surged forward to bring the former governor into custody. Precisely how to reverse the process that made her a giant is unknown at present, let alone where she should be incarcerated. It's a similar question in Ottawa, where the notion of criminal charges against a sitting Prime Minister remain outstanding.

Ulrich walked towards the crowd of police and reporters. Questions were raised almost automatically. "I'll be brief," the Inspector told us. "I knew the best way to take her down was to short out her brain. That meant asking a question she'd never be able to answer. And it worked. There she lies, ladies and gentlemen. Don't ever let her near this city again."

"Lars! Lars!" It was coming from a reporter with TMZ. "How do you find time to play with Metallica and still be a Mountie?"

Ulrich looked disgusted with the reporter. Instead of speaking, he came forward, pointed at the mans' chest. The man looked down at the Inspector's hand, and the Inspector drove it up hard, smacking him on the face, breaking his nose.

The closing chapter of the story? Rush Limbaugh, conservative blowhard, has the last word. "You know, my friends, isn't this typical of the President? Not only does he run in the face of an attack by a giant Conservative Tea Party member, but he sends in a Canadian to save the day. I've had it! All Sarah was doing was trying to clean up DC, and Obama goes and sends in a Mountie! Where's the authority for a Mountie to come on in and take charge! This is America! Not that maple syrup sucking commie socialist health care system loving snow field! And if you don't believe me, just think of this: what's the color of those Mountie uniforms? Red! That's right! Commie red! Now do you believe me? Well, my friends, Sarah's a prisoner of war! I call on all of you, my loyal Dittoheads and Tea Party minions, to march on Washington! Demand Sarah Palin be freed! And punish that Mountie for stepping out of his jurisdiction!"

Ulrich, reached for comment, shrugged. "Does anyone actually pay attention to that tub of lard?"


  1. If only all the people you wrote about were actually reading this.,...

  2. You know, Sarah Palin's pretty good with a rifle....

  3. And her eyesight is very good. She can probably see Ottowa (or wherever the heck you live) from her back porch.


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