Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Attack Of The Giant Politicians

Giant Political Leaders Wreck Havoc On Washington, Ottawa

The governments of two nations are in a state of upheaval after the events of the last two days. Prime Minister Stephen Harper and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin laid siege to both Ottawa and Washington DC, grown to heights of over one hundred feet tall and apparently able to breath fire.

It was first seen in Ottawa on Friday afternoon, when Conservative leader, Prime Minister, and reputed vampire Harper was spotted coming down Sussex Avenue, kicking aside cars as he went, roaring and setting fire to the French embassy. Local police, RCMP, and military were called in, but were uncertain whether or not they had the right to fire upon the Prime Minister of their country. Meanwhile, Harper went on a rampage, using his fire breath to burn down the National Gallery. Witnesses heard Harper laugh as the gallery burned. "Take that, arts and culture!" he bellowed.

Police and soldiers did their best to get passersby out of the way of the rampaging giant Prime Minister, who next attacked Parliament Hill itself. Members of Parliament and Senators fled with their staffers. Harper managed to catch Opposition Leader Michael Ignatieff and tear him in half, tossing one half, reportedly, all the way back to Harvard, where Ignatieff spent much time in academia. The other half he stomped into paste. "Take that, Iggy!" he roared with laughter, setting the Peace Tower on fire.

At the same time, a giant Sarah Palin made her way down the Mall in DC, kicking water out of the Reflecting Pool, drowning a party of nuns on tour of the nation's capital. She was seen to roar and howl, lighting the White House on fire. President Obama is reported to have evacuated with his family and staff. Palin stomped her way down the Mall, destroying virtually the entire Smithsonian as she headed for Congress.

"What can we do?" The question came from a Pentagon general who'd like to remain anonymous. "If the American people lose their minds, she could get voted in as President some day. I'd really like to, but we can't open fire on a potential President. Even if she is a hundred feet tall behemoth monster destroying the city."

The same problem faces officials in Ottawa, where Harper continues to wreck havoc even now. "He's still the Prime Minister," RCMP Commissioner Elliot told the press. "We'd like to take him out... I mean, really, we would, but he's technically still the boss."

Nancy Pelosi was reached for her opinion on the matter as she fled from Congress. "Look, this has happened before. It's something called the Politicus Gigantus spell. Ted Kennedy used to become a hundred foot collosal monster, but he'd just break into the Sam Adams brewery, get himself drunk, and that was it! He never took things this far!"

At least one lawman wants a shot at both. Legendary Mountie Lars Ulrich, recently involved in the Elmo murder case, spoke to reporters. "Give me five minutes alone with each of them. I'll have them bagged and tagged, and they'll never be a problem again."

One of the reporters asked, "Lars! Entertainment Tonight! How is it you find time to hunt monsters and still be part of Metallica?"

Ulrich shook his head in dismay. "Look, you dumbass little bastard, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not that Lars Ulrich!"

At this point, Ulrich slapped the reporter, who was seen to break into tears. The inspector walked off, ready to do battle. In the opinion of this reporter, those two giant politicians don't stand a chance.


  1. Oh, this is good! I had a feeling Lars was about to make another appearance.

  2. If this turns up in the Prime Ministers' office, I'm in so much trouble....

  3. Poor Iggy. His worst nightmare come true. By the way, I've just discovered Apocalyptica. It's a four cello band from Finland that plays Metallica. I bet Lars would like it.

  4. William, are you facing exile from Canada?

  5. I'm totally out of the loop now with North American politics, but I still found this amusing! And if you are being exiled, you can find a home in England I'm sure. Mocking politics is a national sport here.


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