Tell Us Where You Hid The Diamonds, Mr. Kendall

One item of business to see to first. Check out our joint blog for a naughty Without A Word post. Now then, today I'm returning to co-host a Friday blog with Hilary Grossman, having had given her previous suggestions on the four questions she asks each Friday. You can find her blog at Feeling Beachie. Follow that link to see other answers to these questions.

So then, these things always involve four statements or questions with fill in the blanks. Here they are for this week:

1. Have you ________ yet?

2. I was born in ______

3. I have never _______, at least as far as I know.

4. I can't stand ________

So then, my answers to these questions and or statements, preferably without prodding from Mr. Bauer...

Have you been to the other side of the mountain yet? No, I'm enjoying the view hanging from the side of Mount Doom, but give me time...

I was born in a haze of hollering and yelling and someone cursing my father's name, and then got smacked on the bottom by a doctor who I've been chasing after ever since just to get even.

I have never known any such thing as an honest politician, at least as far as I know. It's all rumor and conjecture, based on wild stories of fictional accounts and deluded hopes.

I can't stand Rob Ford. I mean, have you been paying attention to the news?

There we have it. Now, about those diamonds... Did I say diamonds? Forget I mentioned anything about that.

And Now For Something Completely Different

No, that's not me, but I can see the resemblance.

I am something of a dinosaur, sticking with film cameras (disposables, lately) while taking pictures to my heart's content. I love photography, snapping pics of whatever comes along my way. Well, now I'm sort of being hurtled into the digital age... because my partner in crime Norma has sent on a smart phone. I've been messing around with the camera, taking some shots. Obviously not these ones, but they do suit my warped sensibilities.

I do follow a number of photoblogs. Some of them are daily blogs, one of which I started following from St. Louis, which led me to more, and more, and more, and well, you get the picture. Other photoblogs are not quite so daily, but on a regular basis. One listed below has taken a break, but hopefully she'll be back. Others have a regular habit of  posting photoblogs from time to time with their own work. And others make their own photography an integral part of their blogs. Take a look through the links that follow, and you'll get to see some great work.

Bob at St. Louis Daily Photo

AngryParsnip at Two Little Square Dogs

Cindy at Just North Of Wiarton And South Of The Checkerboard and at The Checkerboard Aussies

Jane and Chris at The Maple Syrup Mob and at The Real Maple Syrup Mob

Grace at Perth Daily Photo

Nathalie at Avignon In Photos

RedPat at Occasional Toronto

LondonLulu at Princeton Daily Photo

Virginia at Birmingham Daily Photo

Jack at Naples And Hartford In Season

Deb at Just Cats Home Care

Christine at Random Thoughts From Midlife

Ben and Fern at Victoria Daily Photo

Joanna at Up On Haliburton Hill

Peggy at North West Photos

Krisztina at Krisztina Williams

Angelika at Angelika's Photographic Sketchbook

Maryanne at Cairo-Giza Daily Photo

Annette at Annette Gendler

Nancy at Bondi Resort

Barbara at Words Words Words

I think that's everyone. Now then, it appears I've joined their ranks. As I've said, I've been playing around with the smart phone, taking a few preliminary shots around Ottawa, getting used to using a smartphone as a camera. I'll test in these pages for awhile, periodically doing photo blogs with several pics a piece, before deciding if I want to have a go at a seperate photoblog. Obviously this blog would continue.  You're all expecting my mayhem on a regular basis, and besides, the cats, dogs, and Lars Ulrich all demand serious time to play. They're quite adamant about it.

 What to call the other blog, if it comes to that? How about No, This Is Not Carlos Danger's Personal Stash? No, I'd never get away with that (or could I?). Besides, hopefully within a year, Anthony Weiner's back in oblivion where he belongs, sending more selfies and crotch shots to strangers. Anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you think!

Rideau Canal at Bank Street 

Chinatown Arch, Somerset Street

Front entrance and facade, Eglise Saint-Francoise-D'Assise

Eglise Saint.-Francoise-D'Assise

A Critter In The Machine

I don't usually post twice in a day, but Blogger isn't playing nice today. I've published a review for the new Wolverine movie (head on over to that link for the published blog). Yet the blog itself won't turn up on the blog reader. So I'm trying this out to see if it works. I had something similar a few blogs ago when I wrote about Lac-Megantic, but reverting that blog to a draft and then republishing it got it to actually turn up in my blog read. It's quite annoying. Kind of like when you have to put up with the presence of someone you don't like annoying (my idiot ex-brother-in-law Mike comes to mind).

RDJ knows what I'm talking about, right? 

What Does A Retired Lunatic Do With His Free Time?

Before getting to the business at hand, have a look over at our joint blog, where yesterday we said hello to summer as only we can.

Every once in awhile I'll check my blog stats. Sometimes the search terms people use to find my blog are, well, slightly beyond bizarre... which would be an understatement. That would explain how, among the top ten search terms for the week is the term Porn Captain America. Okay then...

Of course, the international audience for my readership varies from week to week. The top place each week is consistently the United States, where many of my readers are (big hugs to all of you!). Below that, things can get rather odd. There are some of the usual nationalities: Canada, Britain, Australia, Germany, and France. Then there's the strange places like Malaysia or India, which, I suspect, is where many of the spambots that turn up in my Anonymous filters come from. Note to spammers: I'm not publishing your posts, and if one sneaks in past the filters, it's getting sent back to spam land post haste! Go away! Note to other bloggers: check your published comments each day, because spam comments do tend to get through your filters.

Anyway, this week, the second most readers of my blog came from an unexpected country... Iran.

This I find a bit puzzling. I have from time to time featured Iran in blogs (usually grouchy diplomats), and I do have a character loosely based on the outgoing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (also known as Mr. Cranky) in my writings (for the record: my fictional one is a rather nasty chap). Still, how is it that within a week, six hundred views originated from Iran? What is it about this nonsense that I write that appealed to that part of the world? I don't really think of Iranians as the ideal audience for my usual brand of mischief, after all. Sorry, Iran, but you do have a rather dour, frowning reputation, you know...

An election was held there in the last few days, and it seems the new president, Hassan Rowhani (much harder to make fun of that name), is seen by some as a moderate or centrist. Not by our Foreign Minister, who dismisses the whole thing as "meaningless", but between us, our Foreign Minister is a sneering self absorbed blowhard jackass. Here in the West, when we hear moderate in terms of a new Iranian President, the subtext of that is Please, let this one not be a crazy loon like the last guy.

Well, so... the new guy is coming in, and the old one is stepping out. Mr. Cranky has certainly not been dull during his tenure, sniping and snapping at every opportunity, grabbing the tiger by the tail, and viewing the world through a warped and rather demented lens. At least that's the view from here. Still, Mahmoud (I can call you that, right?), your annual speeches at the UN consisting of endless I hate all of you rantings gave a lot of fodder to many a comedian here. What will you be doing now that you're stepping away from the spotlight? Writing your memoirs? Puttering around the garden in retirement? Yelling at kids to get off your lawn? Plotting how to get yourself into the post of Ayatollah, by chance? Come on, now,  you can share.  

To the people of Iran, just in case it's actual people from the country reading these dispatches (as opposed to Mr. Cranky and his minions... hi, minions!), you'll have to get used to the new fellow. At the very least, you're lucky enough not to have this guy as a mayor of your largest city...

And while I can't say I live under the auspices of a theocracy (something I'm quite grateful for, thank you very much), I do know something of what it's like to have a leader who's a hyper-partisan, paranoid, vengeful control freak seeking to reshape the country in his image, and would love to get away with being called Supreme Leader, Majestic Excellence, or Glorious High Muckety-Muck.

We call him Stephen Harper.

Vampire Sex, Harperland, And Sleazy Weasels

"You can prove anything with statistics. For example, I could tell you that the next election will be rigged in our favour by a margin of two to one in seats in the House. I say that, because I already know we're rigging the election." ~Stephen Harper

A few days ago, I started looking at the statistics of my blog. Where my readers are viewing this nonsense (yes, it's nonsense) from, what sort of search terms they use, the whole nine yards (ten yards on Canadian playing fields). Mostly it's limited to the top few in a given week, month, or all time (I wish I could get my hands on the complete list of search terms).

As is expected, Americans outnumber the second placer in any given time period, usually by two to one. Such as the case when I had a peek at the listings, both in the last few days and over the long term; here are some of the biggest readerships of my blog by country:

United States, Germany, Russia, Poland, Canada (hey! Where are my fellow Canucks?), France, United Kingdom, Ukraine, Turkey, Australia,  Netherlands, and Thailand.

I imagine Thailand might be the reason I get a lot of spam in my spam folders. And who in Turkey or the Ukraine is looking in on this? Germany got a big spike last week; it must be the Nutella blog I did a few days ago. Where typically my blogs might get a hundred views a piece, the Nutella blog spiked up to 900 in the last few days, and Germany was holding second place in the country listings for last week. Maybe it was my remark in that blog about Germans getting angry. Maybe it was taking a shot at David Hasselhoff, who for some bizarre reason is as close as you get to sainthood in Germany.

Maybe Angela Merkel is mad at me. Angela, can I call you Angela? No? Okay, Chancellor, can we talk, just you and I, and my blog readers? I get why you might be a bit annoyed. I'd be annoyed too if I had to put up with the prospect of that Italian sleazeball Berlusconi ever attaining any position of political power again too. Anyway, no hard feelings about the Germans getting angry remark, right? Right?

Though tell me... just why is it Germans are so fascinated by that Hasselhoff dimwit? Come on, Chancellor. We all know he's a dimwit. It's not as if it's a secret.

That leads us to the other matter. The search terms which actually lead to my blog. If you're familiar with GK Adams' blog, she occasionally lists those search terms (and trust me, they can get really weird). The first two from my results aren't surprising. The blog title and A Day In The Life Of A Cat are consistent in being at the top of the heap. My disdain for the uberpartisan zealot currently occupying the Prime Minister's Office (hi, Stevie!) here is well known, so it's not particularly a surprise that his name would turn up in such a list. Some of the others, however... are a bit eyebrow raising. Here are some of the current listings:

William Kendall speak of the devil, A Day In The Life Of A Cat, Harperland, Devon Actress, Sleazy Weasel, Crazy Squirrel, Death, Vampire Sex, Amelia Earhart Diary, Funny Godzilla Pictures, Where's Waldo, Justin Bieber Parody, Spoiled Brat, Miss Piggy, Evil Fluffy, and Maple Leafs.

Hmmm... my calling Seth McFarlane a sleazy weasel really drew out that much of a response? I still stand by my statement, for the record. And did one Where's Waldo blog really draw that much attention? I'm surprised that Grumpy Mountie, Lars Ulrich, or Entertainment Reporters didn't lead more people here.

As to Vampire Sex.... I would think my firing shots across the bow at Twilight (Mr. Sparkles, Sullen Idiot, and Dog Boy more than have it coming, and you know they do) is pretty far removed from Vampire Sex. So how does that turn up among search results that lead to this blog?

Changing Seasons, Dark Tales, And Birthdays

A different change of pace today. I have some announcements on behalf of fellow writers today.

Hunter S. Jones is an author I've gotten to know in the last few months, and she delves into the paranormal genre. Her writing delves into magic, voodoo, sex, drugs, and rock and roll (or as Keith Richards puts it, breakfast). She can be found at her blog, Exile On Peachtree Street, as well as her Facebook page. Thus far she has two stories diving straight into genre available in the Kindle format. Fables of the Reconstruction and Tales From A New Amsterdam can be found over at Amazon. Go on over and have a look.

Hunter is also part of an anthology project due to release their book this month, on the 21st of March. Moon Rose Publishing is releasing A Celtic Tapestry, a collection of short stories by Hunter and several fellow conspirators... also known as writers. Keep an eye out on Hunter's blog, and back here for the Moon Rose Publishing page in the next day or two.

Some information on  A Celtic Tapestry:

The wheel of the year turns, bringing the joy of spring, the warmth of summer, the richness of autumn, and the merriment of winter. But eight Celtic festivals link these seasons together, bringing with them romance, lust, danger, and even magic. From a city under threat from night-time creatures at Ostara, to a selkie caught by the light of the Lughnasadh moon, to a writer caught in the flames of a fiery goddess at Imbolc.
Eight authors have come together to give their own twist on these festivals, weaving each story with a blend of myth, magic, and contemporary telling…to create A Celtic Tapestry

                                                               Authors:
                                                             Livia Ellis
                                                         Hunter S Jones
                                                         Laura De Luca
                                                         Elodie Parkes
                                                          Elle J Rossi
                                                        Miranda Stork
                                                        Carolyn Wolfe
                                                   Tara Stogner Wood

 

Second order of business. Back In January I mentioned Lorelei Bell's book Vampire Nocturne here. This weekend, Lorelei is doing a special giveaway she's calling Victorian Ball on Beyond the Black Veil. From March 9-11 at her blog Lorelei's Muse, she's giving away four copies of Vampire Nocturne.  Here's the teaser for the book:

Sabrina is becoming a magical creature—not just a clairvoyant with

ring that thwarts a vampire's thrall. In this exciting third installment, Sabrina learns how to travel the ley lines, and travels to another world called Beyond the Black Veil ~ a world where vampires outnumber humans ten to one, and humans are merely blood donors and objects of their sexual desires.

The Dagger of Delphi becomes her weapon of choice. And what becomes of Dante Badheart, whose spirit essences is contained in the stone he gave her when last he spoke to her from the dead, is another mystery that intrigues her.

Sabrina Strong's cousin, Lindee, has disappeared, and when she goes to the last place Lindee was seen, she finds herself transported to another world and century, where vampires rule. While trying to solve the mystery of where Lindee could be in this world, Sabrina encounters Drakulya—the real-life Dracula—a.k.a. The Impaler—who has somehow managed to become a vampire living in this strange world, and rules as King.

Next, some of you might remember the joint venture blog we did for awhile, a small group of writers, which we called Writers of Mass Distraction. We let it go dormant for awhile, but our Facebook page has taken off, with a crowd of thorough miscreants, ne'er do wells, and fellow writers. So we've decided to reopen the Wordpress Writers of Mass Distraction Page. Members of the group will get to post things like cover reveals, book releases, or whatever they wish to. Have a look over at it; we're getting things restarted at the moment, and follow us!

And my partner in crime and dear friend Norma Beishir marked the birthday of her son Collin at her blog Windchaser's Journey yesterday. Head on over and take a look, and wish Collin well. Norma is the one who got me to write, instead of just leaving the ideas I had in the back of my head to some future time. She's the reason the book is at hand. She's been a true friend.

I round things out today with a little game. I Write Like is a website I've seen before, and yesterday I saw it again, reading blogs that are nearly two weeks old (I'm running behind on reading). The idea is copying and pasting some paragraphs for analysis, and the program will tell you who you write like.

I copied in a passage from Chapter 29 of Heaven & Hell, and the program informed me that I write like Arthur Conan Doyle.

Well, that I'll take as a high compliment. Though none of my characters are a socially maladjusted opium addict.

If the program had told me I wrote like E.L. James, that would be the most grievous of insults. I would have no choice but to declare war on I Write Like.

A Shot Across The Bow

"Must swear off from swearing. Bad habit." ~ Rutherford B. Hayes

"Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it's not allowed." ~ Mark Twain

"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear." ~ Mark Twain

"County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when... Hello?" ~ Calvin

I usually think that cursing is best done in moderation. As a writer, I've put the occasional curse word into my work, where warranted. Often in the street, I'll pass two people in conversation who are spouting off three or four curse words a sentence, and I just find myself shaking my head at their inability to move beyond that.

Every once in awhile, however... it's called for.

A few days ago I got a notice through one of the social networking sites that I post links to when I write a blog. I post these off to several different places, and some of them are useful and have given me links that I wouldn't have otherwise found. Others, not so useful.

Mostly if I get notifications from that site, it's just a note to say that someone liked my discussion. On this occasion, it was something rather different. It was a remark from a group member who called the blog "drivel" and "not funny." That's odd. Hey, I know not everyone will appreciate my humor, but a lot of people do. The amount of page views I get and the comments I get here speak for myself. Still, that's not the issue. What I found bothersome was that he suggested I could run my next blog past him for his approval, swearing he would give me an honest opinion.

Okay, Mr. Jackass... let me see if I get this right. First you insult me, and then you think I should check in with you for your blessing on a blog?

Mr. Jackass, by the way, is, of all things, according to his professional credentials, a salesman in the oil industry (otherwise known as a "What climate problem?" Spin Doctor). All of his other group listings on that site are generally geared in that direction. Aside from the bizarre idea of belonging to a humor writing group.

And I'm supposed to take writing advice from an oil salesman?

Well, Mr. Jackass (Jerry to his friends)... you, sir, are an asshole. Otherwise known as homo sapiens jackassius. I've had enough of assholes in my life (you can talk to my idiot ex-brother in law; I'm sure you two would get along famously), so I'll have to decline your suggestion that I run my work past you for your approval. If I want advice, I'll get it from writers, you prat.

It's entirely possible that Jerry might see this, of course. In which case, I'll just say this: bother me again, and you'll end up in my next book, Jerry. As an oil executive with a handlebar moustache who turns out to be a gutless coward.

In closing, Jerry, this is for you, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Boxers, Briefs, Speedoes, And Going Commando

In the last few days, several of my blogging friends have been answering a certain challenge called the Under Where Challenge. This started over at Eves' blog The Desert Rocks, where she was answering the same kind of challenge from Laila Knight. The idea's simple: answer a series of questions about underwear, and see where it takes us. Already we've seen some blogs to answer this one, and others who are promising to do the same.

Mike Saxton
Christina Lucas
Donna Yates
Beth Muscat

These four bloggers, in addition to Eve, have already played along with the challenge. Among the rest of the gang of rogues and scoundrels I'm acquainted with who've been challenged are Norma, April, Mark, and Shelly. We're expecting answers, people!

Now, before the questions, I'll issue this challenge to a few extra bloggers to see what they can come up with, if they're willing to play along....

Scarlett and James  (rumor has it our alter egos will have lots of fun with this one)
Karla Telega
Erin Lausten
Don't Hate Hubby
Angry Parsnip
Talli Roland
PK Hrezo
The Happy Whisk

And without further ado... the questions.

1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

Boxers, of course, since that's what they are. I wouldn't give them nicknames, mind you. Sort of odd calling that pair over there "Nigel", or that pair "Lord Brutus Victorious" or that other pair "Dear God it's cold today, break out the flannels, you idiot!"

Ahem.

By the way, why do we call it a pair? It's one piece of fabric, damn it!

2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

No, but I have had the occasional dream of being up on a rock face with only my climbing boots, the rope and harness, and my underwear on. Does that count?

3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Glass, of course... Poison Ivy would probably be worse. Yes, the poison ivy would be worse.

4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?

Psychedelic purple. The real question is... who would I be on?

5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Easy: Sarah McLachlan, who, of course, is a goddess. Though to be honest, I don't think she'd appreciate it. I could throw them at Courtney Love, who'd probably use it to distill some heroin.

6. You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

In such circumstances, I must, naturally, go commando. I... probably shouldn't have said that, should I? Now everytime you hear me say I have laundry to do, you'll be wondering if the jeans or the shorts are the only stitch of clothing I've got on below the waist line. Answer: there's also the socks. Keep wondering.

7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?

What the bloody hell is an Underroo?

8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

"If You're Reading These Words, We're Getting Lucky Tonight."

9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Fifteen.

The real question is: how pissed off will that goat be if you're trying to slide panties onto it? And by extension, what fraternity are you a part of if they make you do that?

Passing Along The Torch

Mount Athabaska

Nice spot, but no, that has nothing to do with this blog. I just like adding pictures to my blog.

While I continue to play catch up on my blog reading, I thought I'd take time today to point out three blogs you might not know about. Give them a look, because they're well worth your time.

The St Louis Daily Photo Blog is one I've been subscribing to for awhile now, introduced to it by Norma. Robert Crowe is a photographer and attorney who lives in St. Louis, regularly photographing the city and beyond, and placing a photo or two most days in his blog. He's got a great eye for his subject.

Kilimanjaro and Beyond is a blog by Barry and Chris Finlay. In 2009 they climbed to the top of Kilimanjaro, and have been working on a book about the experience. Recently, they returned to Africa to do charitable work around the mountain, which will serve as the epilogue for their work in progress.

Pets And Other Critters is a blog I've recently found. Lynn Benoit blogs about life in general, and about animals in particular. If you go "awwwwww", at pictures of cute critters, you'll like this one.

101 Ways To Be A Versatile Blogger

Well, as they say, pay it forward (horrible movie, by the way). And so here we go.

This week Christina Lucas awarded me the Versatile Blogger Award! As such, there are certain terms and conditions attached (no, not the soul of your first born).

There are four rules to this, and they are as follows....

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.

Thank you, Christina, at LIFE & STYLE, for giving me the award. Much appreciated!

2. Share seven things about yourself.

-One of my favourite places to be is on a cliff overlooking Whitefish Lake, on the Centennial Ridges Trail, in Algonquin Park. The view is beyond outstanding.

-Give me a good rock wall to climb, and I'm happy.

-I call my sisters harpies. Believe me, they deserve it.

-My sister-in-law counts General James Longstreet among her family. It's good company. The man was, after all, a genius. I suspect some Southerners are going to be sore with me about giving the General his due credit....

-I can't cook worth a damn. I suspect I'd burn water. 

-It took me awhile growing up for my fine motor skills to properly develop. My handwriting to this day remains hieroglyphic. You need the Rosetta Stone to read it.   

-I have a bit of an allergy to Chinese food. Let's just leave it at egg rolls, chicken balls, and the sweet and sour sauce, trust me.

3. Pass the award on to twelve bloggers you have recently discovered and think are fantastic:

Windchaser's Journey

7 Scorpions

Rebel Rogue

In Their Own Words

Kilimanjaro And Beyond
Adventures of an Amateur Writer
The Quest For A Literary Agent
Reading, Writing, Romance
Writing Horses
Nathalie Schiltz
Talli Roland
PK Hrezo

4. Contact the bloggers you picked and let them know about the award.

I shall do so anon!