Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 22, 2013

Vampire Sex, Harperland, And Sleazy Weasels

"You can prove anything with statistics. For example, I could tell you that the next election will be rigged in our favour by a margin of two to one in seats in the House. I say that, because I already know we're rigging the election." ~Stephen Harper

A few days ago, I started looking at the statistics of my blog. Where my readers are viewing this nonsense (yes, it's nonsense) from, what sort of search terms they use, the whole nine yards (ten yards on Canadian playing fields). Mostly it's limited to the top few in a given week, month, or all time (I wish I could get my hands on the complete list of search terms).

As is expected, Americans outnumber the second placer in any given time period, usually by two to one. Such as the case when I had a peek at the listings, both in the last few days and over the long term; here are some of the biggest readerships of my blog by country:

United States, Germany, Russia, Poland, Canada (hey! Where are my fellow Canucks?), France, United Kingdom, Ukraine, Turkey, Australia,  Netherlands, and Thailand.

I imagine Thailand might be the reason I get a lot of spam in my spam folders. And who in Turkey or the Ukraine is looking in on this? Germany got a big spike last week; it must be the Nutella blog I did a few days ago. Where typically my blogs might get a hundred views a piece, the Nutella blog spiked up to 900 in the last few days, and Germany was holding second place in the country listings for last week. Maybe it was my remark in that blog about Germans getting angry. Maybe it was taking a shot at David Hasselhoff, who for some bizarre reason is as close as you get to sainthood in Germany.

Maybe Angela Merkel is mad at me. Angela, can I call you Angela? No? Okay, Chancellor, can we talk, just you and I, and my blog readers? I get why you might be a bit annoyed. I'd be annoyed too if I had to put up with the prospect of that Italian sleazeball Berlusconi ever attaining any position of political power again too. Anyway, no hard feelings about the Germans getting angry remark, right? Right?

Though tell me... just why is it Germans are so fascinated by that Hasselhoff dimwit? Come on, Chancellor. We all know he's a dimwit. It's not as if it's a secret.

That leads us to the other matter. The search terms which actually lead to my blog. If you're familiar with GK Adams' blog, she occasionally lists those search terms (and trust me, they can get really weird). The first two from my results aren't surprising. The blog title and A Day In The Life Of A Cat are consistent in being at the top of the heap. My disdain for the uberpartisan zealot currently occupying the Prime Minister's Office (hi, Stevie!) here is well known, so it's not particularly a surprise that his name would turn up in such a list. Some of the others, however... are a bit eyebrow raising. Here are some of the current listings:

William Kendall speak of the devil, A Day In The Life Of A Cat, Harperland, Devon Actress, Sleazy Weasel, Crazy Squirrel, Death, Vampire Sex, Amelia Earhart Diary, Funny Godzilla Pictures, Where's Waldo, Justin Bieber Parody, Spoiled Brat, Miss Piggy, Evil Fluffy, and Maple Leafs.

Hmmm... my calling Seth McFarlane a sleazy weasel really drew out that much of a response? I still stand by my statement, for the record. And did one Where's Waldo blog really draw that much attention? I'm surprised that Grumpy Mountie, Lars Ulrich, or Entertainment Reporters didn't lead more people here.

As to Vampire Sex.... I would think my firing shots across the bow at Twilight (Mr. Sparkles, Sullen Idiot, and Dog Boy more than have it coming, and you know they do) is pretty far removed from Vampire Sex. So how does that turn up among search results that lead to this blog?


  1. My blog stats continually confuse me - so I ignore them completely.
    Love the Van Helsing photo.
    And the entire Hasslehoff thing is mind boggling.
    (But I am too fond of nutella. Which I'm *still* trying to convince my kids is a *dessert*...)

  2. Way back, I wrote a post and didn't think twice about the title, and now it just boggles my mind at how many people use the off color keywords. I never expected I'd see these in a keyword search which found my blog every time!

    "I tried to cut off my cousin's penis"

    Really? *boggle*

  3. I'm not surprised by the posts on my blog that got the most attention...most of them, anyway. The top spot went to s post about sexy men....

  4. That is pretty hilarious, actually! Makes one wonder about the logic in google search terms... (I'm also betting a lot of spam also comes from Russia, sadly.)

  5. On behalf on my human a fellow Canuck from Vancouver, now sorting out the English, we are here.

    I know some of the Googled stuff that led to my site, just goes beyond surreal.

    Strangely enough, on our hit counter, we evidently live thirty miles away from where we are, eh.

    Take care, eh. Have a Tim Hortons doughnut or donut, if you want to spell like an American :) My human much prefers the CFL over the NFL.

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! :)

  6. Vampire sex? Your blog has posts about vampire sex? I have been missing all the good stuff!

  7. Jack 's comment made me laugh! I've given up wondering why people click onto my blog William, just happy that they do :) except those bloody spammers haha!

  8. Hi, William,

    Thanks for dropping by my blog the other day. Interesting post. Google certainly has "interesting" search patterns....

    For the most part I never have huge spikes in my numbers. My range is pretty consistent. I was expecting my numbers to spike with the A-Z challenge, but they honestly haven't which shows me my readership is pretty stable and that pleases me.

  9. Sir poops and Hair Ball seem to attract the pedophiles.

  10. This was one of the first things I learned in grad school from a genius math prof that was actually hired to manipulate stat's for large corp's. Now I use this to shut down loud-mouthed idiots who think they're Masters of the Universe- eeeGads- that's a lot of people.

  11. I actually found your blog because I was looking for pictures of sleazy weasels having vampire sex!

  12. I'm always amazed at the stats for my blog too. Who searches for some of these weird things?

  13. Maybe you and Hasslehoff will have something in common: Germans will love you!

  14. I was searching for the vampire sex too, Jack. Hmmm, disappointing isn't it?
    As for my all time record in audience US comes in first at 18,074; Russia for some reason is in second place--they LOVE ME at 5,816, UK is third place and I'm kinda disappointed that Germany came in at 4th... I mean with a very German name like Lorelei, you'd think... a well. Canada is 5th, France, Denmark Ukraine and then Netherlands and Austrailia are last.
    Keep up the good work. Speaking of which I need to put up a post soon. My pageviews are really lagging lately!
    Chocolate hugs, William!

  15. @Lisa: Nutella goes good with everything!

    @Diane: how does that lead to yours? Astonishing!

    @Norma: that would do it!

    @LondonLulu: Russia as a source doesn't surprise me.

    @Penny, by way of Klahanie: is it un-Canadian to never go into Tim Hortons? Beacause I never do...

    @Jack: it confuses me as to how that leads here!

  16. @Grace: the spammers are a curse!

    @Michael: thanks for stopping in!

    @Shelly: oh, that's weird...

    @Cheryl: there's no shortage of those.

    @Deb: that's a weird combination!

    @RedPat: it's a mystery!

    @Eve: I'm still puzzled as to why they love that brainless oaf.

    @Lorelei: it's not as if I'm writing fanfic of Twilight menage a trois situations, right? So where's the vampire sex coming in?

  17. Not sure, William! They should be looking at my blog, right? Speaking of that... the fourth book I've got that threesome thing going on. (^;

  18. Looking at our search results section, we find:

    has anyone had sex in the st louis arch

    nation doggy style day

    sex inside elevator in st louis arch

    women fencers nude

  19. My first class in Econ 101 was on How To Lie With Statistics. Are you sure you can trust them? Also, I never knew Germans couldn't laugh. It certainly doesn't hold true for their descendants in this country. I'll admit we've been known to pound the table in the heat of an argument.

  20. I don't even pay attention to what people search to find my blog. I did at first but it was too weird.

  21. Hey, so long as they find you, does it really matter how????

  22. You have all the fun! I don't have any fun search terms like yours. -_-

  23. @Lorelei: well that's just what the doctor ordered.

    @Scarlett and James: women fencers nude?

    @Mari: Yes, when the Germans pound the table, it's time to back away slowly.

    @Kelly: it can get really weird.

    @Cheryl: perhaps not.

    @Auden: I'm still astonished that they find me this way.


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.