Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, June 22, 2013

What Does A Retired Lunatic Do With His Free Time?

Before getting to the business at hand, have a look over at our joint blog, where yesterday we said hello to summer as only we can.

Every once in awhile I'll check my blog stats. Sometimes the search terms people use to find my blog are, well, slightly beyond bizarre... which would be an understatement. That would explain how, among the top ten search terms for the week is the term Porn Captain America. Okay then...

Of course, the international audience for my readership varies from week to week. The top place each week is consistently the United States, where many of my readers are (big hugs to all of you!). Below that, things can get rather odd. There are some of the usual nationalities: Canada, Britain, Australia, Germany, and France. Then there's the strange places like Malaysia or India, which, I suspect, is where many of the spambots that turn up in my Anonymous filters come from. Note to spammers: I'm not publishing your posts, and if one sneaks in past the filters, it's getting sent back to spam land post haste! Go away! Note to other bloggers: check your published comments each day, because spam comments do tend to get through your filters.

Anyway, this week, the second most readers of my blog came from an unexpected country... Iran.

This I find a bit puzzling. I have from time to time featured Iran in blogs (usually grouchy diplomats), and I do have a character loosely based on the outgoing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (also known as Mr. Cranky) in my writings (for the record: my fictional one is a rather nasty chap). Still, how is it that within a week, six hundred views originated from Iran? What is it about this nonsense that I write that appealed to that part of the world? I don't really think of Iranians as the ideal audience for my usual brand of mischief, after all. Sorry, Iran, but you do have a rather dour, frowning reputation, you know...

An election was held there in the last few days, and it seems the new president, Hassan Rowhani (much harder to make fun of that name), is seen by some as a moderate or centrist. Not by our Foreign Minister, who dismisses the whole thing as "meaningless", but between us, our Foreign Minister is a sneering self absorbed blowhard jackass. Here in the West, when we hear moderate in terms of a new Iranian President, the subtext of that is Please, let this one not be a crazy loon like the last guy.

Well, so... the new guy is coming in, and the old one is stepping out. Mr. Cranky has certainly not been dull during his tenure, sniping and snapping at every opportunity, grabbing the tiger by the tail, and viewing the world through a warped and rather demented lens. At least that's the view from here. Still, Mahmoud (I can call you that, right?), your annual speeches at the UN consisting of endless I hate all of you rantings gave a lot of fodder to many a comedian here. What will you be doing now that you're stepping away from the spotlight? Writing your memoirs? Puttering around the garden in retirement? Yelling at kids to get off your lawn? Plotting how to get yourself into the post of Ayatollah, by chance? Come on, now,  you can share.  

To the people of Iran, just in case it's actual people from the country reading these dispatches (as opposed to Mr. Cranky and his minions... hi, minions!), you'll have to get used to the new fellow. At the very least, you're lucky enough not to have this guy as a mayor of your largest city...

And while I can't say I live under the auspices of a theocracy (something I'm quite grateful for, thank you very much), I do know something of what it's like to have a leader who's a hyper-partisan, paranoid, vengeful control freak seeking to reshape the country in his image, and would love to get away with being called Supreme Leader, Majestic Excellence, or Glorious High Muckety-Muck.

We call him Stephen Harper.


  1. Mahmoud ought to take up spamming in his retirement. He'd be a natural.

  2. Oh that's funny. Hello to the minions!

  3. Maybe they just need to find humor somewhere, anywhere,or you are a danger to their concept of a well-run society. It's hard to find humor in news about stoning women and babies or cutting off hands.

  4. Hi, Minions!

    Y'know...Harper does kinda look like Gollum....

  5. @Lynn: yes he would!

    @Eve: they'll say hello while muttering "death to America!"

    @Mari: that could quite well be.

    @Norma: Gollum is less treacherous.

  6. They've seen your "Day in the life of a cat" posts,and believe that we are letting cats take control of the world. Hang on...cats ARE in control of the world.
    Jane x

  7. You better be careful, Sir wills. He might take your post personally. But I thought it funny.

    Hugs and chocolate,

  8. Really great post today... the first photo is terrific.
    Mr. Cranky Pants what will you do. I wonder if he and his minions with plot an overthrow ? Once in the spotlight life on the farm with his 75 virgins will get boring really fast.

    cheers, parsnip

  9. I had no idea Canada was getting so autocratic. Stay strong through the dark times.

  10. I'm quite happy to see Mr. Cranky go!! I'm sure he'll spend his free time giving hate speeches to himself in the mirror.

  11. LOL, William. Well, I guess your search results could be worse, right? ;) At least it makes you sound like a superhero.

  12. @Jane and Chris: yes they are!

    @Shelly: He seems just the sort to take things personally.

    @Parsnip: A bored Mahmoud I'manutjob is not a good thing.

    @J.E.: I keep telling myself, two years to the next election....

    @Krisztina: he got quite good at that!

    @Kelly: I think I once mentioned something in a blog about Cap and his girlfriend getting it on in a fighter jet. That must be the reason that one latched on.

  13. lol! Totally cracking up at this :) Personally, I think Mahmoud will be investigating stray jump-drives he finds in his driveway. Hopefully on his private computer.

  14. LOL!

    I'm getting most of my visitors today from India and the Philipines. Weird search term finding my blog in the past two years is: my mother tried to cut off my penis. I know why my blog is hit for these keywords, too.

    The funny part: My entry in Google is number one. :/

  15. My husband says they should all be brain washed by watching kittens play, and then, just maybe, they wouldn't want to murder everyone--us, themselves, destroy the world etc.
    Tweeted and shared.

  16. I hardly ever look at my stats William but when I do I usually do the same as you..'what the ....!' sort of thing. and yes, spammers are a constant pain in the arse, daily checking is essential as some of them can be very rude and totally bizarre!

  17. Lol! William,

    Now I need to go and look at the search terms of my site.

    Fun post!

  18. @Meradeth: another option for him!

    @Diane: aggghh! Not something a guy wants to think of!

    @Lorelei: kittens playing can calm anyone down.

    @Grace: yesterday one of them wanted me to take them on as an apprentice....

    @RedPat: thank you!

    @Nas: it'll leave you wondering!


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.