Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Shot Across The Bow

"Must swear off from swearing. Bad habit." ~ Rutherford B. Hayes

"Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it's not allowed." ~ Mark Twain

"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear." ~ Mark Twain

"County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when... Hello?" ~ Calvin

I usually think that cursing is best done in moderation. As a writer, I've put the occasional curse word into my work, where warranted. Often in the street, I'll pass two people in conversation who are spouting off three or four curse words a sentence, and I just find myself shaking my head at their inability to move beyond that.

Every once in awhile, however... it's called for.

A few days ago I got a notice through one of the social networking sites that I post links to when I write a blog. I post these off to several different places, and some of them are useful and have given me links that I wouldn't have otherwise found. Others, not so useful.

Mostly if I get notifications from that site, it's just a note to say that someone liked my discussion. On this occasion, it was something rather different. It was a remark from a group member who called the blog "drivel" and "not funny." That's odd. Hey, I know not everyone will appreciate my humor, but a lot of people do. The amount of page views I get and the comments I get here speak for myself. Still, that's not the issue. What I found bothersome was that he suggested I could run my next blog past him for his approval, swearing he would give me an honest opinion.

Okay, Mr. Jackass... let me see if I get this right. First you insult me, and then you think I should check in with you for your blessing on a blog?

Mr. Jackass, by the way, is, of all things, according to his professional credentials, a salesman in the oil industry (otherwise known as a "What climate problem?" Spin Doctor). All of his other group listings on that site are generally geared in that direction. Aside from the bizarre idea of belonging to a humor writing group.

And I'm supposed to take writing advice from an oil salesman?

Well, Mr. Jackass (Jerry to his friends)... you, sir, are an asshole. Otherwise known as homo sapiens jackassius. I've had enough of assholes in my life (you can talk to my idiot ex-brother in law; I'm sure you two would get along famously), so I'll have to decline your suggestion that I run my work past you for your approval. If I want advice, I'll get it from writers, you prat.

It's entirely possible that Jerry might see this, of course. In which case, I'll just say this: bother me again, and you'll end up in my next book, Jerry. As an oil executive with a handlebar moustache who turns out to be a gutless coward.

In closing, Jerry, this is for you, from the bottom of my heart.



  1. Okay, I think you've made your point.

    Let me get this're an author and an academic, and you're supposed to get approval from a salesman? That's beyond absurd. The guy has a right to not like your blog, but he doesn't have the right to presume he cane tell you how to write.

    Love the pics, by the way!

  2. Who does he think he's dealing with--has he SEEN your posts? I mean really. You go after politicians and stuff!

    William, not that you need my permission or anything, but Yeah! Put him a book any way. Take him out in a--a-hem--inventive way. The power of the pen is MIGHTY!

  3. The pen is mightier than the sword...if you know where to stick it!

  4. bawahahahahahahahahaahah
    I want hahahahahahahaha to say wahahahahahahahahah he has wahahahahaha
    the wahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
    oh hell with it...

    From a very old Adult Swim "Sea Lab 2021" the " hero" says to the person he is talking to on the phone ...I am thinking of a number... the number 1.
    It was the only episode I ever saw of this show but very funny and it is a running joke with my family.

    cheers, parsnip

  5. Apparently the oil companies are branching out. They're used to saying "bend over and take it in the rear" at the pumps. I think that Jerry should star in your next blog post.

  6. This one made my sides and cheeks hurt real bad. TFF!

    Hugs and chocolate,

  7. Jerry sounds like a real douche... appropriate use of profanity.

  8. Love the post. As always thanks for stopping by my blog.

  9. This is a great post! I love it when people think they are the ultimate go-to person. Very arrogant and I hope he reads this post. Great pictures! Worth a thousand words!

  10. Oh wow, the nerve! Definitely warranted swear words.

  11. Hmmm. Touched a nerve there, eh? I suspect it was the 'not funny' part. People often say things like this for attention, you know.

    Be comforted. We ordinary people think you're really funny. And those pictures you dredge up? Like the praying raccoons in the beginning here? Love 'em.

    Sometimes I have to laugh out loud.

    And I'd make him a cowardly villain who dies a horrible death. Like in an oil well explosion or something.

  12. Sometimes when certain Jerrys get a little bit of power they become complete *^**#*~*!

  13. Wow that Jerry better stay away from my blog or I'll kick his oily butt!

  14. @Norma: beyond absurd is an understatement.

    @Lorelei: an inventive way it is!

    @Parsnip: I think I might have seen that...

    @Karla: he'd have it coming. Of course, I've got stuff in drafts for the next three months as it is...

    @Eve: something toxic, I think...

    @Shelly: thanks!

  15. @M.R.: that fits!

    @Debra: thank you!

    @GK: if he has read it, it's while grinding his teeth...

    @Carla: a lot of nerve out of him indeed...

    @Cheryl: an oil well explosion would be nice. I was kind of thinking of him as the sort who'd use a baby as a human shield while being kidnapped...

    @Lynn: it doesn't help that his name is so close to Jeremy, a complete prat I personally know, and a moron of the first order...

    @Deb: he had best keep his head down...

  16. Ha! Now that is beyond rich, an *oil salesman*? To paraphrase something I read a while ago, when you've nothing else, there's always self-delusion!

  17. Never, never, never upset a writer unless you want to end up in his (or her) next book! ROFL

    You are hilarious, William. Keep on writin'.

    Um, also, how did they get the cat to do that...? ;-)

  18. Love the cards and pics you posted with this one. Was the guy joking?

  19. Hahahahahaha! Such a funny post William. There are certain occasions when only a swear word ( or two ) will suffice!! Best thing to do with smart arses like that is to totally ignore them, unless they give you the fodder for a really funny post like this.

  20. @LondonLulu: and this guy has plenty of self delusion!

    @Under Cover: I have no idea!

    @RedPat: apparently not!

    @Grace: well, he was asking for it!


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