Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, August 5, 2017

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

Now it is time for the cat to have her say in all things...

6:42 AM. Waking up at home. Slept well. Dreamed of a vast field of catnip.

6:43 AM. Checking the clock. Is it too early to wake the staff? I mean, it’s the weekend and all, which means she’s home, so I’ll have her all to myself all day to be pampered and spoiled by...what to do, what to do...

6:50 AM. Looking outside. The sky looks threatening, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to rain. We’ve seen that sort of thing before, after all, and nothing came of it. 

7:04 AM. Watching the flying lunches peck away at the grass outside. If I were outside right now, I’d be stalking you, just like we see in those nature documentaries with the lions stalking the oblivious antelope. I am feline... hear me roar.

7:09 AM. Glancing at the ceiling. Come on, staff. Wake up!

7:12 AM. Sounds of movement upstairs. Well it’s about time. I’ve waited long enough.

7:24 AM. The staff comes downstairs. There you are! Finally! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting on breakfast?

7:25 AM. Meowing at the feet of the staff as she gets breakfast ready. Now then, I want milk in a slightly chilled bowl, with my meat in another bowl at the side, only slightly less chilled. Would it kill you to get up an hour earlier to put bowls into the fridge, staff? Because let me assure you, cats can tell a difference between a slightly chilled bowl and one that’s been sitting around at room temperature since the last time it was washed. And I assure you, the optimum dining experience for a cat involves slightly chilled tableware. Or floorware, because let’s face it, I’m still eating on the floor either way...

7:27 AM. The staff has finally set my breakfast down. The bowls of milk and tuna are acceptable, even if the bowls themselves are at room temperature. For whatever reason, she persists in putting down a bowl of field rations too. I don’t know why, I mean, I’ve expressed my disdain for it many times in the past...

7:28 AM. Contenting myself with eating breakfast. Very good, staff, very good indeed.

7:32 AM. Demanding to be let outside. The staff obliges me.

7:34 AM. Basking in the sun out on the deck. Quite content.

7:36 AM. I know I haven’t even been up an hour, but it wouldn’t take much for me to.... suddenly start falling asleep in all this warm sunlight....

7: 54 AM. Suddenly woken up out of my idyllic slumber by a bark. I bolt upright on the deck and catch a glimpse of that annoying mutt already sprinting for the tree line, laughing his head off. Hey! Get back here! How dare you wake me up out of a nap!

7:55 AM. Fuming mad, pacing my lawn, glaring at the woods. He’s back there somewhere, and I’m cursing and howling. Probably laughing away. Yeah, well... sooner or later when you least expect it, dog, I’ll be evening this score. Just you wait and see.

8:02 AM. Back into the house. Fuming and irritable. Staff, I could have you call the human that irritating mutt hangs out with and complain, but this is going to require a more direct lesson. When he’s least expecting it. A good claw swipe to the snout right about now would seem to be a good thing. But patience. Patience. All good things come to cats who wait.

I hate waiting.

10:49 AM. Waking up from another nap. Still feeling irritated.

11:01 AM. Meowing insistently at the staff to interrupt her reading. Staff? Why do humans put up with dogs?

12:11 PM. The staff has given me a slice of turkey as a lunch time treat. Very good, staff, very good. 

1:46 PM. Sitting on the back of the couch, brooding. Plotting revenge. World domination. Evening snack. All the essentials that a cat must consider over the course of a given day. That, and how to sucker their staff into giving them a tummy rub.

3:51 PM. Waking up from a nap. The staff is having a cup of tea. Without me, staff? I mean, I could care less about the tea, but you know full well what I like when you have yourself some tea. Aside from getting right in your face and giving you a head bonk for no reason.

3:53 PM. The staff has so obligingly given me a saucer of milk. Very good, staff.

6:05 PM. Supervising the staff while she makes dinner. Bacon is part of the process. I approve.

6:38 PM. Dinner with the human. Bacon pancakes. Is there anything in the world better than that?

8:50 PM. Lying on the living room floor, musing on the eternal question. Are tummy rubs more important than catnip?

11:42 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, good night. Sleep well, but keep the door open. In case I come up with some idea at four in the morning about getting even with that dog, I might want to come up and run the idea by you.


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