The Down Home All Country Civil War

Country Music Civil War Continues To Build; Self Appointed Generals Lash Out

Nashville (AP) It has been raging for three years now, unnoticed by much of the country and much of the world, what with other distractions taking place. But in the countryside of Davidson County, Tennessee, a bitter war plays itself out between acolytes of two different singers. The vendetta between country singer Miranda Lambert and pop star Gwen Stefani has seethed and festered ever since the latter stole away the former’s husband, Blake Shelton.

In a war waged both on the field of battle and in the pages of the tabloids, the two musicians have been at each other’s throats. Lambert still maintains her home in Davidson County. Despite being more of a West Coast personality, the former No Doubt lead singer Stefani has been living with Shelton at the residence they own elsewhere in the county. Both women have declared each other mortal enemies. Their fans have taken up sides, organizing themselves into regimental formations and taking their orders from their idols. Some were already living in Davidson County. Others have moved in since the war broke out.

Local sheriff Joe Garrett wishes he had never heard of any of the players. “It’s weird, I’ll admit,” he agreed. “There are a lot of country musicians in this part of the state, after all. I shouldn’t be wishing things like that about an industry that’s big here. But I can’t help it. You know, back in the day, it wasn’t like this. Oh, sure, Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings could be tough guys and rebels with attitude, but they also understood when to leave it at the door. And yes, Kenny Rogers was known to drive through the country roads at twice the speed limit, but that was about it. Incidentally, you don’t want to know how many traffic infractions this department issued to Kenny.”

Garrett paused before going on. “Now we’ve got these two singers. Fine, one stole the other’s husband. That happens. I get it, you’re mad. Well, you can move out of the area. Or if you insist on staying, you can have a restraining order filed to insist that they leave the state. That wouldn’t be unreasonable. A lot of people would probably feel sympathetic. But instead, what do we have?Roving militias of Gwen and Miranda fans getting into mass brawls with each other three times a week and taking shots at each other. Fortunately, they’re really bad shots- I mean, there have been no bullet wounds. But I’m filling my holding cells regularly during the week with jackasses who keep getting into fights.”

And then there is the fact that both singers have amassed their own arsenals. Lambert and Stefani have built up a stock of tanks, field artillery, missile launchers, and a multitude of guns. They’ve taken to walking about in military camo clothing and referring to themselves as generals. “Gwen’s also calling herself the Fabulous Supremacy,” Garrett noted. “I’m just calling both of them the Splitting Headache, and one that I can’t get rid of.”

When asked why the authorities are permitting the build-up of private arsenals and the movements of private armies, Garrett shrugged. “Are you kidding? This is America, and the NRA won’t allow us to do anything in terms of regulating arms. If you’ve got enough money, you can buy pretty much whatever you want. Even nukes. Oh, God, please don’t let them start thinking of nuking each other…”

“It is ridiculous,” a studio executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted in the country music capital. “In country music, our musicians turn situations like this into a big hit of a song, say about the one that got away and took their house and their pick-up truck and their dog, and all they’ve got now is their friends to drink away their sorrows with, by way of good old fashioned Tennessee whiskey. That’s the way to do this, not to have your fans taking shots at each other and engaged in massive fist fights while drunk, and not while naming yourself a general of your own private army and walking around in camo gear. You do, for instance, what Taylor Swift always does when a relationship falls apart. Write a song dissing the guy and move on with your life.”

He paused before continuing. “We’ve tried to mediate between Miranda and Gwen, but every single time we do, they just dig in their heels and get all the more stubborn about it. And for what? I mean, Blake Shelton? Why the hell People once named him the sexiest man alive is beyond me. Have you looked at the guy? He’s the sort who got hit in the face by the ugly stick a few too many times. And there’s not much going on around his ears either, for that part.”

Shelton himself has tried to stay out of the whole affair. Despite all of this starting with an affair. Once half of the country music industry power couple, his marriage to Lambert ended after he started judging on The Voice and taking up with Stefani in 2015. “I get it, really I do. She’s mad. Okay, fine, set my pickup truck on fire. But there’s no need to gather a collection of tanks and organize your own militia just because I’ve moved on with my life.” When it was pointed out to him that Stefani was doing the same thing, he shrugged. “Well, Miranda started it.”

Miranda Lambert spoke to a rally of her forces two days ago, in full Lambert Nation military garb. “Who are we going to fight?” she yelled.

“The Stefanites!” they all yelled back in response.

“And why?” Lambert called back.

“Because you said so!” each of them said in unison.

“That’s right!” Lambert said, beaming with pride. “Because nobody crosses a country gal and gets away with it! And nobody steals her man and gets away with it! And nobody gets to live happily ever after and get away with it!”

Across the county, at the Shelton-Stefani ranch, Gwen Stefani was with a gathering of her own fans and militia. All of them in camo gear, many of them toting signs reading ‘Gwen is a Fabulous Supremacy’ and ‘Down With Lambert’ or ‘Hella Stefani’. Like her bitter rival, she has taken to wearing a customized military uniform while around her troops. “We did not choose to start this fight!” she called from a microphone set up on the back porch, looking out at hundreds of her troops. “They did! But we will be the last standing, brothers and sisters, in this, the new American Civil War!” She received rapturous applause, and then began an acoustic performance of a new song she’s titled, ‘Nyah nyah nyah nyah, Miranda’s a loser’.

Is this a new American Civil War? Not according to re-enactors of the original Civil War, who take their history seriously and turn up at battlegrounds and various events in Union or Confederate garb. Sam Wainwright, a member of the 1^st Maryland Cavalry re-enactors, sighed with an expression of dismay when this reporter spoke with him. “The real Civil War was complex, with serious issues. It’s an insult to those who fought in that war, on both sides, to call what goes on between those three idiots a civil war, despite what the tabloid covers call it, and despite the fact that their fans are armed and fighting with each other.”

He paused for a moment. “Besides, I’m on Team Swift.”

Headlines, Three Years Hence

The following came to mind after Agent Orange toyed around with the idea of that elephant hunt trophy ban reversal. Let's just say it irritated me- to be fair, everything about that man irritates me. So I thought of the idea of what a newscast might be like after the Age of Darkness comes to an end. Here we have it. You might want to skip this if you're a fan of the man.

“It is February 8^th, 2021, and welcome to the evening news. I’m your CBS anchor, Drucilla Scott, and this is what’s making news at this hour. The stunning fall of the former first family of the United States continued today. Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump, long sought after being convicted in absentia of fraud, met a bad end today in Zimbabwe. The two brothers were avoiding legal authorities and engaged in one of their favourite pastimes, hunting big game, when they and their party of bodyguards and associates were attacked by a herd of angry elephants. Witnesses reported that the animals singled out the Trumps and particularly went to work on both, trampling them beneath their full weight. Authorities in Zimbabwe will take no action against the elephants, and have called for, and I quote, extra sized spatulas, end quote, to clean up the mess. We are still awaiting word on whether or not the bodies will be repatriated or simply dumped in a trash heap.

Other family members are in no position to claim them at this time. Ivanka Trump and her ex-husband Jared Kushner are both in prison after their convictions for fraud in the so called Covfefe Gambit affair that was the final nail in the coffin of former President Trump’s tenure. The former chief executive himself is doing time for the next forty years in prison for that same fraud, as well as treason in giving state secrets to his good friend Vladimir Putin. Trump, who has spent the last two years in a six by ten-foot cell, deprived of the ability to tweet, has been described by some as unhinged and deeply unhappy at the state of his hairline, demanding to be released and vowing revenge on a list of enemies.

Melania Trump has retreated to Europe with her son and has had little to say to anyone since the dying days of her husband’s presidency. Her infamous ‘let them eat waffles’ remark about angry Vietnam veterans has never been forgiven, and getting away from America while she could may have been the right course of action. Often forgotten younger daughter Tiffany Trump, who managed to stay out of criminal convictions by not being part of her father’s administration, shrugged when told of the deaths of her brothers, saying that ‘this is what happens when you need to compensate for your physical shortcomings by trophy hunting. And as a complete aside, I never really liked either of them.’

Former president Pence, who notably recently skipped the inauguration of his successor, and who reportedly had a meltdown on election night, went into a profanity laden rant when reporters caught up to him in Indianapolis this morning. Pence, who lost the 2020 election by the biggest margin in American history, looked five minutes away from a stroke as he screamed at reporters, cursing like a sailor and blowing a proverbial gasket before being whisked away by his Secret Service detail.

President Biden continues to get settled into his presidency, which has an informal theme of Restoring Sanity. After a stunning electoral night win which had him take every state but Mississippi, the new president has been busy restoring the dignity of the office after the turbulent Trump-Pence administration. Biden has a Democratic Congress to work with, while the former Republican party has fractured into six pieces and is caught up in infighting. He has steadfastly refused to consider pardoning the Trumps, stating that the Supreme Court has already ruled on the matter when President Pence attempted it. Instead he told reporters today he must respect the rule of law, which applies to all citizens, ‘especially the president.’ Biden finished his remarks in the press room at the White House, excusing himself to head off to the White House kitchen in search of a rocky road ice cream cone.

In other news, the ongoing conflict in the American heartland continues. The self-appointed General Miranda Lambert continues her feud with her ex-husband’s wife, the self-described Fabulous Supremacy, Gwen Stefani. Both sides in the years long conflict have their fans and followers, who continue to wage a low level state of warfare on each other. Authorities continue to try to intervene in the feud, arresting those on either side after fist fights and shoot outs. Members of Congress and state governors have asked the two singers to knock it off. Lambert has refused, and so has Stefani. Stefani’s husband Blake Shelton, the one-time sexiest man alive, spends his time avoiding the issue entirely.

Steve Bannon remains at large. The former Trump confidante and head of Breitbart was wanted for inciting violence after his part in trying to start a race war in the dying days of the Trump presidency. Last month he was confronted by a British secret agent with a Walther PPK and a dry sense of humor at his hollowed out volcano base of operations, and in the ensuing conflagration, Bannon was believed to be dead in an explosion. However, a video featuring Bannon’s head grafted onto a robot’s body was issued to the press. Bannon vowed revenge and swore that he’d finish building his death ray, if every Breitbart subscriber would just send him their bank code information.

The Oscars are coming up later this month, and people are still puzzled as to how explosion-prone director Michael Bay could have possibly garnered an Oscar nomination for his film Casablanca III: Rick Gets Lucky, which was panned by critics and despised by audiences. The vacant eyed director is remaining tight lipped, while Academy staffers are busy trying to determine if their nomination process somehow got hacked.

A long missing masterpiece work of art, The Storm On The Sea Of Galilee, done by Rembrandt and stolen in 1990 from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston, was recovered by authorities today, with the thieves taken into custody in France after an intensive investigation. While Interpol authorities have not publicly identified the suspects, the Facebook page of the high wire acrobats the Wallendas has been taken down after the painting was reportedly displayed in the background of a family gathering on one of their numerous photos. None of the family are available for comment, fueling suspicions on the matter.

Disgraced former evangelist and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson died today at home, surrounded by family and minions. One of those minions, speaking anonymously, reported that Robertson looked horrified in his last minutes, as if, and I quote, ‘staring right into the face of hell’, end quote. Reached for comment via webcam, the Prince of Darkness stated that ‘I should have really taken him five years ago, but I was busy whispering into Kellyanne Conway’s ear about the Bowling Green Massacre.’

In science news, physicists at Cal Tech claim it is now possible to broadcast news into the past. This has delighted gambling addicts, who hope their past selves will be able to place sure fire bets knowing who will win a game. Experts hope it will give solace to those still living through the Trump presidency, otherwise known as the Age Of Darkness, that the time of suffering will eventually end. Other experts warn of the perils of interfering in the space-time continuum.

And in sporting news, the Toronto Maple Leafs have been officially eliminated from the NHL playoffs after losing the first fifty-eight games of the season. Fans in Toronto are taking it all in stride, claiming that next year will be the year their team finally brings the Stanley Cup home. Fans of every other team in the league are laughing at them.” 

Tabloid Wars And Destroying Pick Ups

Music Divas And Romantic Rivals Step Up Antagonism Into Full Blown Conflict

Nashville (AP) It is a rare occasion when tabloid magazines are accurate in their sensationalist headlines. One of those occasions is now unfolding. A few days ago Life & Style carried a cover story with the headline ‘Gwen And Miranda At War Over Blake’. The story concerns itself with country singer Miranda Lambert, her ex-husband Blake Shelton, and his new paramour, pop singer Gwen Stefani. Billing their inside story as about revenge, jealousy, and anger, the magazine could be found at pretty much any checkout in a grocery store. Rational people look at such magazines, of course, either rolling their eyes or wondering who these people are.

As it turns out, the story is more valid than the usual Don’t Use My Real Name sources that such tabloid stories have suggested. While Shelton is off on tour, Lambert and Stefani are actively engaging in armed conflict, amassing personal arms and their own armies of mercenaries to wage war against each other.

“I know, it seems strange,” Sheriff Joe Garrett of Davidson County, Tennessee acknowledged to reporters. Lambert has been living in the countryside outside Nashville since her marriage to Shelton collapsed earlier this year, and her home falls in his jurisdiction. “I know that she’s been stockpiling weapons and tanks and a couple of missile launchers and a brigade of former soldiers, but what can I do? This is America. If you’ve got enough money you can buy pretty much anything. She has assured this department that she means absolutely no harm to anyone except, and I quote, that vile man stealing ***** Stefani. If you ask me, I think she needs some serious therapy. Maybe yoga, or a big bag of weed. Wait, don’t quote me on that, weed’s still illegal in this state.”

Stefani, for her part, recently bought a house in Davidson County, an odd thing for a pop singer whose only connection to Nashville is dating one of its stars. She and Shelton started their romance, which has been a subject of much tabloid fodder, shortly after the collapse of his marriage. “It’s odd,” a source who prefers to remain anonymous told this reporter. “She has really nothing in common with that part of the country, she’s more of a west coast person. And yet here she is setting her life on hold to marry a guy who looks like he got hit in the face with an ugly stick. Did I mention I don’t like Blake Shelton?”

Stefani has been giving a pop style makeover to her new digs, a former ranch in the countryside. She’s also been amassing a brigade of former soldiers of her own and building up a personal arsenal. “Guns, ammo, missile launchers, personnel carriers, a few tanks... you name it, she’s got it,” Garrett confirmed. “We’ve tried to get both of them to keep their heads and not lose their tempers, but hey, these are both musicians, and as such, they’re both egotistical. I probably shouldn’t say that publicly... I mean, there are a lot of musicians in my county, and I’ve got an election for sheriff to win next year.”

There have been shots fired on both sides. Stefani and Lambert’s mercenaries have fired on each other, but strangely enough, blood is yet to be shed. Garrett shrugged. “These guys must have all washed out of the military for incompetence. I mean, they fire like they’re Imperial Stormtroopers. Nobody hits a thing.”

Stefani has taken to wearing a military uniform of sorts and issuing terse statements. “If Lambert does not stand down her forces, I will be hereby obliged to unleash the forces of the No Doubt Brigade fully upon her.”

Lambert, for her part, sneered in her own response. Like her rival, she’s taken to wearing a pseudo-military uniform. “I will not be denied my revenge,” she declared in a brief statement to the press. “My cheating bastard of an ex-husband takes up with that.... that.... that... I know I’m not supposed to say it, I mean, I’m a country singer and I’m not supposed to swear, but hey, what the hell? That *****! I won’t let that go!” With that, she walked away.

Aside from running her own personal army, Lambert is in the studios recording a new album, one that insiders have hinted will be venting her fury at her ex. “She’s picked up some hints from Taylor Swift,” a producer told reporters. “When someone breaks your heart, rake them over the coals through your next album. Which, incidentally, is why no one wants to date Taylor Swift anymore.”

The governor of Tennessee, meanwhile, is at a loss to defuse the situation. Bill Haslam sighed when reporters asked about the two private armies now operating in his state. “Look, if I say anything remotely critical of all this amassing of private arsenals, I’m going to have the NRA and every survivalist group in the state come down on me hard,” he admitted. “And frankly, I don’t know which of those is crazier. Wait, I shouldn’t have said that, I get plenty of political support from the NRA. Sorry guys!”

And what of the subject of all this? Shelton is out on tour at present, trying to duck questions about his unconventional love life. Reporters caught up to him at a concert in Atlanta, where the singer (who does, in fact, look like our anonymous source suggested, like he was hit in the face by an ugly stick) looked sheepish. “I don’t know what to say,” Shelton told reporters. “I could have handled all of this better, sure. It’s a bit humiliating to have your personal life get played out in the tabloids. I mean, if we’re going to take them seriously, Miranda’s got a voodoo doll of me being made.”

He shrugged. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on stage in ten minutes. Gonna sing a new song tonight. About how my ex burned down my house and took my dog and blew up my pickup truck. That last part actually happened last weekend.”